Post # 1
I have kind of a strange situation and need some advice. My 2 aunts (one from each side of the family) are planning to throw me a bridal shower. My FMIL also wants to throw a shower. At first, I thought it was perfectly fine and she could have their friends and family at hers and I’d have my family and girlfriends at the one my aunts are throwing.
FMIL never had a wedding herself and so she’s been very excited to be involved in planning for ours. The problem is, there really isn’t THAT much for her to be involved in right now because we’re so far out (FI and I aren’t doing anything except nailing down the big things like DJ and Photographer). That’s why I know that getting to throw a shower is a huge deal for her. There are 2 problems however:
1. The shower that is being thrown by my aunt’s will be almost double the number of people as FMIL’s shower. Now for most people, no big deal right? But she’s going to see this as unfair and ask me to have some of the girl friends attend her’s instead. I really don’t want to do that though because I’d like all the girls at the same shower and some of my girlfriends are long-time family friends and their moms so they will be attending the one thrown by my aunts (where they know the most people). Also FMIL really REALLY dislikes one of the groomsmen’s GFs so she insisted that that girl not be allowed at HER shower. So the way I see it – girlfriends go to my aunts’ shower.
2. FMIL seems to think it’s completely appropriate to invite women she knows to her shower that aren’t on the wedding guest list. I found out she has texted people letting them know that our budget doesn’t allow for them to attend the wedding but they should come to her shower (these are people like neighbors and coworkers of hers that I don’t know). At first I figured no big deal – if she wants to do the dirty work and let them know they aren’t coming to the wedding and these women are fine with that, then I’m not going to cause a scene. My only problem is now that I know how uneven the guest list is, I’m worried these women will think that FMIL’s shower was just an excuse to get gifts out of people that aren’t attending the wedding.
I guess I don’t have a specific request or question for qriting this. I just needed to get it out there and see if anyone had any thoughts.
– One Stressed Out Bride-to-be
Post # 3
I literally was in the exact same situation. I eventually told my FMIL i appreciate the gesture, but only wanted 1 shower. I can tell she is kind of bitter – but I didn’t want presents or 2 shwers or to feel like a greedy person for inviting peple to a shower that weren’t going to be invited to the wedding. My opinion is just have one shower and call it a day. Let FMIL plan the rehearsal dinner or something else.
Post # 4
if having so much less people at your FMIL is bothering her, why don’t you invite your girlfriends to that one as well and tell them they are doing you a favor and should not bring another gift. everyone likes free food and a party.
i’m not sure what to say about the FMIL inviting people who aren’t invited to the wedding, except that it’s on her and if that’s what she wants to do, who can stop her.
Post # 5
@ajillity81: That’s not a bad idea. A few of them are out of town so I’m not sure they can make it but the ones that live close by may be able to!
@sarg88: I wish telling her not to have one was an option but it really isn’t. She gets insulted really easily and she’s already running wild with the planning even though it’s still 5 months away!
Post # 6
@ajillity81: I agree. Ask your girls to make both showers if they can but no gifts at the 2nd. I’d support my bride like that if it was feasible.
Post # 7
It is not unusual for someone from the groom’s family to host a shower for their family and friends.
It is not that unusual for older generations to invite friends, neighbours etc who are not invited to the wedding, to a shower, no matter what you read on the Etiquette Board or any other website. These women have usually watched each other’s children grow up and get great joy in celebrating their marriages. They also love to meet the bride.
If FMIL is worried about numbers, tell her that you absolutely love the idea of a more intimate shower, that you will have more time to get to know the guests.
Post # 8
@sparklerunner: there’s 2 types of showers – one run for women who will be attending the wedding, and one run by social groups (ex. Coworkers, church group, book club) who may not all be invited. The one your FMIL is throwing sounds like it is her family and friends, so her social network. If she has made it clear that these women are not invited to the wedding, I see no problem with it.