Post # 1
** I’m a regular bee but I created a dummy account because someone could easily ID me from my posts and the LAST thing I need is to be identified and add tension to this situation. **
My FH is first generation Asian-American. His brother and he got engaged to Anglo-American women within a few months of one another.
In the last year I’ve worked my butt off to integrate into his family, learning Mandarin, going out of my way to show my respect for them, planning my wedding always considering their priorities and traditions. In return, the family has welcomed me with open arms and truly treat me as ‘one of the family’.
Things have not gone similarly for FH’s brother’s Fiancee. The family feels as though she doesn’t show them proper respect and that she is separating her FI from the family. Especially in regards to wedding planning. She is refusing to have some traditions that are very important to her FI’s family without offering any valid explanation. It feels like everytime I see the extended family there is a new instance of her doing something wrong. Their negativevopinion is so set that she’s in ‘can’t do anything right’ territory.
I get upset with her and believe she’s got a serious case of the special snowflakes but I only say positive things about her or offer some other explanation to situations because I know this is causing my FMIL and FFIL a lot of stress and want everything to be peaceful.
The problem is that my FI’s family keeps asking me to interceed on their behalf with her. In their mind if I, as a white woman, am able to do so well as a part of their family, she should be able to do the same. I’m often told that I just need to ‘explain things’ to her and she’ll come around. I promise to do just that and I have been for over a year now but there has been no progress and will be no progress.
The family is getting frustrated because they really do think it’s just a matter of me explaining things to her and don’t know why there hasn’t been any changes. If I disclose the content of the talks I have with her I will be off the hook but it will only put her in a worse light. I’ve gotten excellent at putting off serious conversations about it but I’d rather not be in this situation.
Thank you for letting me rant 🙂
Post # 3
1) Your future SIL is not you. She dosn’t need to learn Mandrian, just be polite. Maybe things are not important to your husband’s brother and HE is the driving force. I’m getting crud from my Fiancee’s family for wanting a small wedding but WE agreed becuase HE wants it. He has gone back and made it clear, yet they still don’t believe him. Not everyone has the capacity to learn a language or the emotinal ability to become absorbed in another culture. She is not “bad” she’s different.
2) You need to tell your future in laws that you have chosen to learn about their family, but that’s you. You don’t rep “white people”
3) She dosn’t NEED a “valid reason”. Why the heck should she justify herself??? If her FI is upset, then yeah, there’s a problem but 99% of the time in these situations it’s really the child who’s already separated from his/her roots, not the evil signfigant other
4) Your FI needs to man up and ask his brother what’s going on, and make sure his parents aren’t putting too much on you.
Post # 4
I’m curious, does she know the family has issues with her? I guess I don’t get why they don’t go directly to her and leave you our of it or are they trying to get you to do their dirty work for them?
Post # 5
@annonabee9876: The only thing that alarms me is that your in laws are trying to make her do things she doesn’t want to do. The only person with some weight in the traditions in the wedding are her and your BIL. They can foresake all tradition and elope and she can wear a rainbow dress and they can live like hermits….it’s really their day life.
Also I feel for you for the pressure they put on you. You need to tell your in laws you can’t do anything about it…
Post # 6
@annonabee9876: I suggest you back off and tell your FMIL’s that you are not comfortable being a go- between between them and the other FDIL.
Post # 7
@annonabee9876: LOL @ special snowflakes! I don’t blame you – peace and harmony are good things, but…
Why aren’t the parents putting pressure on their son? Why are you promising things to your FILs that you can’t deliver on? You might be able to explain things until you’re blue in the face, but she’s not going to change unless she wants to.
I would tread carefully if I were you.
Post # 8
@annonabee9876: It was incredibly unfair of your FILs to put this on you. Some people just can’t or aren’t interested in learning another language or culture. And some people aren’t interested in incorporating traditions into their wedding. It doesn’t make them a bad person, it just makes them different.
I wouldn’t disclose the full conversations – from the way you worded things it sounds as if telling them everything would just stir up more problems. If you need to tell them anything, simply tell them that you have spoken with her and it’s out of your hands now. And don’t let them drag you back into it either.
You should also consider having your FI speak with his brother about what is going on. He can explain how their parents are feeling and that you have been put in the uncomfortable position of being peace keeper. He can also make it clear that his brother needs to talk with his parents and explain why they are making the choices they are making – because even if he isn’t really thrilled at the idea of cutting out the traditions, he is still giving his consent for it to happen by not speaking up to his FI.
And your FI should tell his parents that not all white people are the same and you don’t represent white people.