Post # 1
When we first started dating he had a problem with drinking and smoking pot. I would never be a girlfriend to a man like that. I never told him. Then he quit on his own. Stopped smoking and drinking. Told me he thought he was an alcoholic. So he stopped. So eventually we became bf and gf. Then i caught him in a lie. He was trying to quit chewing tabacco and couldnt so went back to it…and hid it from me…i found a reciept when i was doing laundry and talked to him…I thought our communication was better than that…but he tried to play it off like it was his bosses…he eventually owned up…
Then just two weeks b4 our wedding…I catch him in a huge lie. I go on vaca to see my family 1000 miles away. and i maybe talk to him for 5 minutes the whole time im gone (5 days). he wouldnt return my calls or call me. i figured something was wrong. well, i get back. and he claims he is working late. the first night then come home around ten. Then the next night i actually see him. then the third night he pulled the same thing. He gets off work at 430 said hell be home at 600 and its now 9, he isnt answering my calls or calling me…he has a bad apple friend. i assume he is thier. I think im going crazy cause im trying to call him like 6 times…so i get in my car and go there…sure enough he has a dip in his mouth, which he claims he quit over a yr ago and a beer in his hand…after trying to deny it he owned up to drinking for the past two weeks…once he starts its daily…and he started to smoke weed again…TWO weeks b4 our wedding.
I asked to postpone and he says either we get married or we break up…but im still having doubts. Im in love with the sober man…I want a sober man…I dont want to deal with this…and his lies…
he says he wants to be sober but how do i know its the truth? how do i know he will go back to being sober…he says if he touches the alcohol again hell go to aa meetings, but till then how do i take his word for it and how do i know what he is doing behind my back? he has been real sneaky about it cause i trust him…
im beginning to think im crazy to go through with this wedding. I love him…but does he love me enough? is it really worth this?
Is it he way of saying he doesnt want to get married?
Post # 3
I’m not sure if it’s a way of saying he doesn’t want to marry you, but you have right to be concerned. How do you know he’ll stop? The only thing that gives us assurance is time. And he refuses to give you that. What if he really is a lousy drunk and hits you? What if he gambles all of your money while drunk, and you’re broke? What kind of dad (and role model) will he be for your children? How will you know in general, when he’s telling the truth?
I ‘ve known some husbands who were alcoholics. They were all lousy husbands.
Good luck. Be strong, do what is best for you and your future.
Post # 4
The major thing wrong with all of that, is that he’s lying and hiding things from you. With your wedding being in two weeks, he should be on his best behavior, I mean if it’s his bachelor party that’s a different story. If he’s acting like this now, I think after your married things might get worse. You two need to sit down and try to find the reasons why he does those things, especially if he is a recovering alcoholic. If you are willing to help him get through this, and be there for him then get married. But you have to love him and help him. At the same time he needs to help himself, and maybe seek some proffesional help for his addictions.
This might be his way of dealing with the stress of the wedding also. I think you need to talk with him more about this, and find out what the two of you really want to do.
Post # 5
I am so sorry, missy, that you are dealing with this right before your wedding. I feel so bad for you. Really, it just plain sucks. Yes, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and doesn’t lie to you. But more importantly, you deserve a husband who is committed to you enough that he listens when you tell him he has a problem.
The terrible truth is that your Fi has an addiction problem. This is obviously a deal-breaker for you, and that means it HAS to be addressed before you get married. I agree that you should call off the wedding right now, even though I know that would be such a hard decision to make. Unfortunately, though, your Fi has shown you that he needs help to permanently kick his addictions; he’s tried on his own, and it didn’t work.
Addictions are a life-long battle. He can’t be "cured" so to speak, and will probably struggle with this for the rest of his life. Are you willing to struggle with him? If you love him enough to help him confront his addictions and support him even when he messes up and fails, tell him. But I also think it’s completely acceptable to say that no, you can’t give that kind of support and walk away. I think it’s really telling, too, that he said you should either have the wedding or just break up. He might not be really willing to face his addictions yet. For a lot of people, they have to hit the literal bottom of the barrel before they are ready to turn their life around. I feel so terrible for you because if he hasn’t hit that bottom yet, who knows when he will.
My advice is to tell him that his addictions are a problem that have to be addressed before you can marry him. Let him know that you’re in for the long haul, but you’re not going to marry a man who isn’t willing to seek the help he needs to get better. Going to AA meetings is an awesome start, but I also think couples counseling is an excellent way to go. And possibly individual counseling with an addiction specialist. Know that it’s possible he will decide it’s easier to walk away from you than to get the help he needs. If that happens, you have all of us for support. But he has shown that is not capable of stopping his addictions on his own, and that means that marriage isn’t going to stop it either.
I just want you to know that I am definitely thinking about you, and I really hope you are able to come to a decision that is best for your future.