(Closed) Two years, one baby, and no ring; what do you think?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

This is a red flag–he HAS to be on the same page as you on the topic of marriage. If he thinks it’s not big deal and you take it seriously, what is going to happen a couple of years down the road? =/ I’d recommend counseling, if you care to salvage the relationship. But the fact that you would have left says TONS. You need to do what’s best for you and your daughter, which sounds like leaving, not waiting for him to “give up his pride.”

Post # 4
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds like he really just doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal for you. I agree with @Statutory Grape – this is a big red flag for me. DH and I found out, through many discussions and arguments about marriage that we had very different fears and ideas about what marriage is about, and talking about them made things suddenly become very clear. I’m not saying that you need to fight it out, but you definitely need to explain to him how you feel and what you think and why this is important to you.

Post # 5
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If it wasn’t for our daughter I’m sure I would have left awhile ago.

 

That line worries me. Is the only reason you are with this man because you have a kid together?

Do not marry someone just because you got knocked up by him.  That’s not a healthy situation for you, him, or your kid.

Post # 6
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

@abbyful:Completely agree. Do not settle for someone that you “think would have left awhile ago”!

I was 7/8 months pregnant and left my boyfriend and now im happier than ever with my FI! a baby is DEFINATELY NOT a reason to marry someone. My daughters father and i talked about it a few times bc at first we thought it was the “right” thing and im so glad we did not marry. PHEW.. divorce avoided! IMO, 2 years isnt that long to be together.. but if you feel you are ready and he is not then ya’ll need to get on the same page first.

Post # 9
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think that staying together for your child is noble but if you don’t think he’s truely invested in the relationship “he would have left awhile ago” then it’s time to reconsider.  Having a healthy relationship is being on the same page – including where you are, where you’re going, who’s involved (kids), your future etc.  I agree you’re still young but if marriage is important to you (it would be if I were in your case) then make sure he knows that and values that.

Post # 10
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Alkealru:I’m not trying to be rude but “pride” isn’t the problem here.  The problem is that you’re with a boy who has no intention of making any kind of commitment to you.  That’s not likely to change.  Move out and start building your own life and don’t move in or have any more children with men UNTIL you have a real commitment with them!

Post # 12
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I feel your pain, hun, and I hope you can get over these doubts (they can be normal) and truly feel secure in believing he’s the one.  Men can sometimes be so damn wishy-washy; one day y’all are on the exact same page, and the next day he’s gone way out of the margins.  But ultimately, you’re the only one who knows how he is.  We can only speculate.  After saying that though….

I am concerned about that RED FLAG sentence the other bees have already brought to your attention.  Please don’t feel that just because you two have a child together that you guys should get married and live happily ever after.  Take it from me, it’s a nice dream, but it doesn’t always work out as planned.  You two should explore counseling or just have a very serious, heartfelt conversation about the future.  Best wishes to all 3 of you!

Post # 13
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Please don’t take offense at this, but it doesn’t really seem like either of you are at the maturity level marriage requires.  What does having other guys telling you they want to marry you have to do with anything? Why is that even relevant?  And why do you want to marry some guy that, by your own admission, you wouldn’t even be with but for your child. Marriage is a life long commitment, it’s not a status symbol. You’re 21, you have a LOT of years ahead of you.  In my opinion it is WAY too early to be pressuring anyone into marrying you (much less having babies with someone you haven’t been with all that long and have no commitment from, but what’s done is done on that front.)

He’s made it clear he’s not ready to marry you.  You’ve said yourself that you would’ve left already but for your child.  I’m not seeing what the problem here is.

Post # 15
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Absolutely agree with PPs that a baby is not a reason to get married. If you two aren’t right for each other you will end up with a terrible marriage which will be awful for your daughter, way worse than if your relationship with him ended now when she never really knew you two as being together. She would be used to you not being together. Having guys tell you they want to marry you when you are as young as you were means nothing. I apologize for being harsh but i have had my share of guys say they wanted to marry me when i was that age. It’s something they think they want then but then people grow up and realize marriage is a much bigger deal and takes a lot more than just loving each other. You need to talk to him and see if you are on the same page. If he doesn’t want to get married anytime in the near future, you have 2 choices: 1. deal with it and accept him as he is and stop bringing up marriage because that will only push him further away 2. tell him that marriage is important to you and if you two don’t see eye to eye on something so big, then you can’t continue like this. Then you need to move on out (can you live with your parents?) and see if he comes to his senses. If not, then it needs to be over.

Post # 16
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

btw, you say you made the ultimate commitment by having a child but it was by accident. Thus, there was no commitment made there and it is definitely  not a commitment to you from his viewpoint. He may view it as more of an obligation. Is that what you want?

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