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It is probably a lot of stuff to take in. Just give each other some space. I think fighting comes with wedding planning! Even if you don't realize it, it is really stressful for both of you. Maybe take a break from planning for a bit and focus just on you two. Do things that you used to do together before you moved in. I hope things start getting better!!!!
You stated that he won't "fight for you to stay" and "beg like he used to" and I'm assuming you are talking about when the two of you broke up in the past??
I'd go into couples counseling together and sort through some of these issues.
I'm thinking that when you say "fight for you to stay" and "beg like he used to" you mean when you guys fought before? Can I ask what it is you're fighting about? Usually, it's not good when you're fighting so much that he has to beg you to come back. After a lot of that, he might be beaten down and not feeling like you're listening to him, or that you're just fighting with him to fight.
Also, who are "they" and "them?" His parents? Your parents? I'm just a little confused by your post.
You should bring these concerns up with him, but realize that living with someone IS different and your relationship changes. Why do you want him to beg you to stay? You do have to talk to him about it--to an extent, wanting more attention is a valid concern, but it is also true that he could be feeling smothered by having you around all the time. Living with someone is an adjustment.
i agree with the suggestion on couples counseling..your wedding a a long way away and if you guys are having problems where he has to "beg you to stay", that's not good. things are going to get more stressful the closer you get. maybe a counselor can help you both learn to communicate with each other and not let disagreements get to that level.
How long have you been living together?
It takes time to get used to each other living in the same space. You also need to take some time away from each other, so you have other stuff to talk about and get excited about.
Guys, for the most part, don't really see the point or care much about the wedding planning. They are under the impression that all this "stuff" that we want is not necessary and they just go a long with it because they want us to be happy.
Wedding planning should not be about fighting. My FI and I don't fight about it at all, but when we moved in together we did have our fights. We were just getting used to each other and had to figure out how to live side by side. We were both used to doing things on our own and in out own time. Living together is about compromise. No one always gets what they want, but they do the best they can to make the other person happy. If the other person is happy, chances are you will be happy too.
As far as the planning goes, I pick my favorites, as far as the vendors; ie., venue, go and just show him those ones. When I picked our venue, I had my real favorite and one other as backup because my favorite was out of our budget. We went to the all time favorite first and he fell in love with it too. We talked to the venue and they gave us a trememdous discount for having our wedding off season and on a weeknight. We didn't even go to the other one. Just make your budget and stick to it. Give him only choices that you know in the end will make you both happy.
You still have time to find a venue and your other vendors. Maybe take a break from the wedding for a month and just get to know each other in your new home, then you can start planning.
you know how you use to fight about stupid things and hung up and he called right back over and over until text until you answered or called him back. thats what i meant. now that we live together its like we fight and he doesnt do anything or say anything just always assumes it better in the next five minutes. thats what i meant by beg and fight for me. its like he doesnt care anymore.
we havent ever broke up before. we have been together for 3 years and engaged for 9 months and lived together for 10 months.
I guess we are still getting use to each other ways or maybe i am just really emotional time of the month or something.
oops by they and them i mean boys, men, guys, the males.... lol
ok girls well i told him that we needed to talk tonight but then i couldnt hold it in and just exploded and emailed him how i felt. he just emailed me back so i need to read it ill keep yall updated and where it goes from here.
Hmm...I definitely would recommend counseling for the both of you. I've never hung up on my husband in the 6 years we've been together (dating and married). Yes, we do fight, and yes things do get heated, but there's a time where you need to be able to cool off so that you don't say things that you don't mean. I don't know that the way you're fighting is healthy for your relationship. It sounds as if you're fighting a lot and nothing is getting resolved, so you're starting to resent each other. Counseling will help you to realize what the cause of those fights are and how to constructively argue with each other.
Why does he have to “fight for you to stay” or “beg for you” – what leads up to him having to do/say something like that? Why does the fighting get to that level – could you both work on keeping calmer, and talking (vs. fighting/shouting/yelling/hanging up on each other) about the issues?
Honestly (and I don’t know if this is just my relationship, or age or whatever) but when I first started dating R, we argued about something and I hung up on him, expecting him to call right back, like you say you did. He flat out told me he wasn’t going to play games – he wasn’t nasty or mad about it, just serious. It's childish. And he’s right, that’s a game – hanging up on people to get the attention and reaction you want from him. You can’t do that long term, for attention, or to solve issues.
If the venue is your biggest stressor right now, what is/are the reasons you don’t have a venue picked out? Have you made a list of possible venues that fit within your budget and what you are looking for, and showed them to him (or, asked him to help look)? Have you visited venues? Have you told him how stressed you are about the venue? Sometimes guys can be clueless, and not really know how stressing a specific issue can be.
I agree with Noritake that wedding planning shouldn’t be about fighting. There are lots of uber-stressful events you will run into in your marriage, wedding planning is one of those, but definitely not the last. Can you make a written list of the issues you are having, and what you want done about the issues, and sit down and talk with him about each one?
Sorry you are feeling so stressed out, it isn’t healthy or fun to fight so much. I also like the idea of taking a break from planning to spend some quality time with just you and your man. You guys have been together a long time, maybe you just need to “reconnect” a little?
to be honest, no i don't know what it's like to fight like that and have him call and call until i pick up.
i work in the mental health field... and please don't take this as being mean, but i would really encourage couples counseling for you both in order to learn ways to communicate with each other better and cope with your anger BEFORE you get married..not all couples fight and argue like that.
I think counseling does sound like a good idea. It sounds like you both need to learn to fight fairly. FI and I do argue, yes, but leaving, or threatening to leave is never an option for us. We try not to say things that we don't mean. Counseling will help. Good luck!
Your wedding isn't for another 18 months... there is plenty of time for the planning.
That being said, some things will get on your nerves after living with someone for awhile. Your relationship has evolved; it's not the end of the world that he doesn't "fight" for you - he's probably frustrated too and would rather take some time to himself to let things simmer down before reapproaching the topic at hand. When you're arguing on the phone and someone hangs up, there is an element of unknown as to where or what that other person is doing and panic can set in (hence the immediate calling/texting). When you're arguing with someone in person, the only quick way to end it is when someone walks away, but they are still in the vicinity.
You say you haven't been feeling it - have you made an effort to "spoil" him lately? Have you talked about anything or done anything with him that isn't wedding related?
Not to be harsh, but it sounds like you miss the drama. You kinda liked the fact that he was "shaking in his boots" and in fear that he might loose you.
I just want to chime in and say I can see where you're coming from. There was a HUGE adjustment for us when we moved in together. Not only were we trying to reconcile our basic differences like he's a morning person and I am an evening person, who does what chores, etc. but also the relationship dymanic is different because you see each other at all times now! It's no longer about dressing up for that time you see him because you only get to see him once a week or missing him so much b/c you never get to see him. It's really important, for us, to maintain a weekly date night because even though we "see each other every day" sometimes it's more of a roommate situation with him on the computer and me doing homework or falling asleep from exhaustion after work. You have to work extra hard to keep that spark in there! I think if you express your concerns to him that you feel the relationship is a bit neglected and taken for granted now that you live together and maybe suggest you two do something special (and not wedding planning related!) and then make that a regular priority, you'll feel like you're getting the attention you (and he!) deserves. Good luck!
I kind of agree that not all couple fight like that. Since I've moved in, the FI and I are actually closer than ever and he seems more devoted (if that makes any sense). I love going home because I know he will be there smiling and loving me. We didn't fight much after moving in and it never escalated into yelling or screaming, just sometimes cold silences.
We went through pre-maritol counseling (non-religious) for six sessions since we both thought it would be a good idea. It was too! We learned a few tricks for identify conflict on how to keep it from becoming a "conflict cycle". Now those cold silences last a few minutes before we are like "Oh, right, this doesn't help. Time to compromise!"
She also recommended we read the "5 Love Languages" (which I have yet to do 
) and Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (which sounds SO like something I would hate to read, but it was great and I loved it! I've read it twice now).
Maybe pick up those books and get some counseling. The line of you wanting him to fight for you scares me...because in his mind when you do that you are basically telling him on a whim you will leave. That's a lot of stress and worry for a man to be burdened with. How would you feel if you thought no matter how hard you fought to keep him around he might still leave? It's a losing battle which is a negative feeling. Give him some positive reinforcement instead and I bet you guys go back to being loving!
you know how you use to fight about stupid things and hung up and he called right back over and over until text until you answered or called him back. thats what i meant. now that we live together its like we fight and he doesnt do anything or say anything just always assumes it better in the next five minutes. thats what i meant by beg and fight for me. its like he doesnt care anymore.
Honestly, maybe he just doesn't feel the need to fight like this anymore? Or maybe he knows you well enough to say that "yes, it WILL be better in 5 minutes" cuz if you guys are always fighting over stuff, maybe he is unconcerned and thinking, "oh she'll be fine in a few minutes"
But to answer your question, we've never fought like this. The drama would make me uncomfortable, personally. Just because he doesn't react in the manner you want him to does not mean he doesn't care.
Everybody wants to feel wanted, but I worry that you're taking that sentiment to sort of an extreme and unrealistic expectation.
When you move in together, your expectations and habits change. You can't expect him to grovel and beg for your forgiveness each and every time you have a blowout. After the first few times of doing that, it'll get old really quick. If I were in a similar situation, my FI would sure as heck not "fight for me" time and time again. He'd probably just tell me that he'll start talking to me when I decide to act like an adult (which is a line he's thrown at me before when I tried to pull something like that). Things are different now, face-to-face as opposed to being on the phone. It requires a whole different level of communication and compromise.
When myself and FI moved in together, it was not easy. Oh no! Every little habit of his that I detested but brushed off b/c we had our own living space was magnified. When we'd get upset at each other, we didn't have a place to cool off... we'd have to face our disagreements head on now which is a big challenge. I think this is what the crux of your situation is... finding a happy medium in your new living situation.
I'd highly suggest you both taking a relationship communication course or seeking counseling. My friend took a course like this w/her live-in boyfriend and it completely changed her relationship in a very positive way. It made them aware of their habits, their methods of communication and what kind of message it sent.
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Maybe its all the wedding talk and deciding what to do.
Maybe if it was really meant to be we would already have a venue picked out and a deposit on it.
Maybe its not meant to be?
we fight and fight and fight FI and I and its getting to a point where i just want a break from our relationship.
Things dont seem the same since we moved in together. its like they know we arent going anywhere once we buy a house with them so they just stop treating us like they use too. He always does a great job spoiling and loving me like crazy but lately i havent been feeling it. i know i am crazy but why doesnt he fight for me to stay like when we werent living together. Why doesnt he just beg for me like he use too. things seem so blah and now with wedding planning i just want to scream! i wish he would pay more attention to me and make definite wedding plans with me. hell i just wish he showed me more attention.
sorry so long i just had to vent!