- 3 years ago
Vent here. I apologize in advance. Si here’s the situation. I’m 19 going on 20. Have been with S/O for almost 10 months now. I had been clear (since our 2nd date actually lol) that I am not one to wait more than 2 yrs for an engagement. (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just culturally and for religious reason (ie waiting til mariage)- I want to get married young.)
Now at almost 10 months in of our relationship, I was talking with S/O and told him “no pressure here, but what’s your realistic timeline as pertaining to our engagement”. My jaw dropped completely to the floor when he said “we’ll be engaged IN two years“. Which is a whopping 10 months off from our pre-established timeline. (he says for a total of 2 & 1/2 years together because the 1st 3 months of a relationship don’t count? Wtf lol)
anyway bees, here are factors to consider:
-says he wants to be more financially stable- wants to get engaged @ 2 yrs 9 months of our relationship & married 1-1.5 yrs later.(so married after 5 yrs 2 months instead of original timeline of max 4 yrs?)
-says it has nothing to do with feelings, treats me really well, we have few fights compared to other couples, make compromises with each other etc.
-I’m from a cultural & religious background in which I will not present my bf to my father before he comes to ask for my hand. so is my bf and therefore he knows how important this is for me.
-bf is older than me @ 27, if he was my age or only a little older, I would understand that it would take a little longer. he’s been in quite a few relationships, including one that lasted 6 yrs, therefore I find he should know if I’m the one or not by 2 yrs(says knowing im the one/commitment isnt the issue..)
-bf is not a virgin, and not used to waiting for mariage like I am. 10 months waiting for him has already been hard enough- I can’t understand why he’s adding to the timeline.
-bf is having immigration issues which won’t be solved before 14 months.
-my situation (law school student, live with parents, 0 debt) has nothing to do with the situation bcuz in our culture it’s the woman’s decision to work or not, and if she does, her money is simply her pocket money/doesn’t contribute to household basics.
-me proposing isn’t an option, since we are so traditional.
-I have made it clear that I want a relatively simple & intimate wedding (max 40 ppl) and therefore the cost is something that can logically be saved within my timeline time. he says things add up and he doesn’t want to rush things and be financially “tight” . I would be okay with a small engagement party with 10 closest ppl & my 2 000$(very cheap 4 my are) ring. he says we only get married & engaged once so he wants something a little more grandiose…
– I feel like 2 yrs into a relationship is more than long enough to be sure the person is the one & propose… especially since on numerous occasions he has told me if I onlye I had shown up in his life a little while later he would already be engaged now ( @10 months in).
you guys have no idea how depressed this has gotten me 🙁 I’ve internally sworn that I will no longer make any mentions of mariage, engagement, when we are maried situations, future children ( which we both currently bring up very often)….
so bees. in my shoes, what would you do?
A) issue an ultimatum just before the 2 yr mark telling him to quit the excuses, do something small for an engagement party and come ask for your hand or the relationship is over?
B) have a 2nd talk with him and if he’s not willing to budge even when he sees ink on paper that it will not cost as much as he has in his head, walk because there is no point in waiting til 2yrs if I’m not willing to wait that long to get married and engaged.
C)just wait. he treats you well, you are exaggerating and it will happen. be patient bee!
*** please note him asking for my hand and having an engagement party later (to save $) is not an option because his parents live oversees and they would have to fly in on 2 seperate occasions and then later for the wedding***