UGH! Am I being unreasonable or am I right? Help bees!

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What would YOU do, dear bee?
    A) issue an ultimatum just before the 2 yr mark telling him to quit the excuses. : (3 votes)
    1 %
    B) have a 2nd talk, is he does not budge, WALK, he will never change his mind & neither will you. : (14 votes)
    4 %
    C)just wait. he treats you well, you are exaggerating and it will happen. be patient bee! : (343 votes)
    91 %
    d) another option? please include details in a comment :) : (16 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    1887 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @futurebridetobee:  You have so much time ahead of you.  If he’s a good guy, why are you in such a rush?

    Post # 4
    752 posts
    Busy bee

    @futurebridetobee:  whoa, whoa, whoa.  You’re 19.  I know age can be a touchy subject on the Bee and I rarely comment on threads regarding that….but really, that is pretty young.  Why are you pushing this so much?  Being with someone for 10 months isn’t forever, especially when you’re talking about the rest of your life.  

    If he wants to be engaged within 2 years, that means you’ll be (at the OLDEST) engaged at 21.  That’s still pretty young!  I’m kind of stumped as to why it’s such a big deal.  It’s not like your 34 and have been with him for 10 years and you’re waiting to move on with your life..

    I voted for waiting, because you’re still getting to know each other and still, well, growing up.  He might already be 27, but 19 is a lot younger than 27…Are you in school?

    I really don’t mean to sound judgemental or critical; you asked for opinions so I’m giving you mine.  I was engaged at 22 and married at 23, and while we do love each other and have a great marriage, looking back we were very, very young and easily could have waited a year or so to make it official.

    Best of luck with whichever you decide.  🙂 

    Post # 5
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    [comment moderated for name calling]

    Post # 6
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    At 19, 10 months seems like a long time. 2 years seems even longer. But I promise you that, in the scheme of things, it’s the blink of an eye. So do yourself a huge favor and chill out.

    Post # 7
    4760 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    lots of people rush into marriage since they feel they have to, religion being a big part of that and later get divorced.  Why rush things? 

    2 years may be long enough but people change so much between 18-25 that what you want now is gonna be totally different then.

    Post # 8
    3635 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’m glad I waited 5 years for my husband to propose when it was his idea.  I was 31 when we got married.  I’d rather have him wish he did it sooner than resent me for pushing him into it. 

    You’ve presented all the reasons why YOU want to get engaged and married right away.  A marriage is a relationship between two people so you two are going to have to work out a lot of compromises.  Maybe he doesn’t want to get engaged for another 2 years but he’ll be alright with a shorter engagement if you commit to paying for a large part of the wedding. 

    Post # 9
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @JLR1982:  +1

    How… wha….I don’t even….

    OP. Calm DOWN. O_O You’re super young, you haven’t been in a relationship for very long by anyone’s standard, and your bf is already willing to marry you relatively early in your relationship. Quit micromanaging so much! Sheesh! You can’t plan out your life by the second- and you certainly can’t plan out his. For now, focus on yourself and your education. Speeding up a wedding/marriage just because of sex is a big mistake. You can’t rush your life just because of your hormones.

    Post # 10
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    You are moving way too fast here, in my opinion. I’m sure you’ll hear a lot of “You’re too young.” I know people who got married at 19 and who are still together today, but even they wish they had waited – not because they would have changed partners, but because it added a lot of stress to their relationship. My best friend, for example, still had a lot of partying she wanted to do and a lot of growing up to do, but married women really shouldn’t be going to bars without their husbands – that caused problems for her. She also developed an intense crush on another guy, but never went beyond making out, thank God. She agonized over these things at that time, and so did her husband.

    I don’t have a problem with waiting until marriage for sex. It’s really a special thing, and I sometimes wish I had stayed a virgin until I met my FH. I am concerned about this guy who is 27, sexually active, and ( sounds like from the immigration comment ) living away from you. I don’t want to scare you, and this should NOT impact your decision to remain a virgin, but it doesn’t seem realistic to me that he isn’t going to cheat. I’m also not a fan of the age gap. There’s a big difference between 19 and 27, though you do sound mature for your age.

    Maybe you need to date someone who is more like-minded and from your background, so they will understand where you are coming from. I know it’s common to get married younger-than-average in certain religions.

    I think you need to just let this all go, and get marriage out of your head for a few more years. I also think it takes 2 years to know someone well enough to marry them.

    Post # 11
    7153 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I see that you’re in a bit of a rush for cultural reasons and because you’re waiting till you get married to…

    if you are both so traditional, what’s the rule of thumb in your culture re engagement timelines? 

    Its hard to give advice since these values differ so much from my own, but I would say that no matter what, ultimatums are not a great idea for a happy marriage. 

    Post # 12
    1241 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I’d like to know what the rush is as well. I was 20 when I got married the first time, and I wish we would have waited. I’ve been with my SO for 3 YEARS now, and we are still at least a year off from engagement. 

    All of his reasons are pretty solid, no matter how much you might not like them. Not to mention, if his immigration status isn’t settled, marriage simply shouldn’t be an option until it is. Immigration is hard enough, adding marriage and the complications in, that’s asking for trouble.

    Just attempt to relax. Enjoy the relationship. Don’t freak out about engagement and marriage. It will come when it does.

    Just my opinion, your mileage may vary.

    Post # 13
    221 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

     @JLR1982: right? wtf. OP needs a reality check.

    Post # 14
    9037 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Be patient and wait.  It’s obvious he loves you and has a plan to give you a happy future together.  If you pressure him too harshly he might make the decision to walk away and then you would lose everything you’re dreaming of with him.  There is no need for an ultimatum of any sort in this situation.  You’re both young, you have plenty of time ahead to build a wonderful life together.  Don’t mess it up by being too pushy!  You want to marry him?  Then you need to trust his decisions about this, and be respectful of him, as he is being respectful of you.

    Post # 15
    1372 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I think your poll results speak for themselves. I’m no veteran Bee but I know I’ve never seen so many votes on one option and none on the others 😉 20 out of 20 people say wait and chill, I would take the advice!

    You’re young and in love. Your boyfriend is a little more seasoned and he probably has the insight to realize that the two of you will do a lot of changing and growing over the next few years, together and seperately, you WILL change. I think about the person I was at almost 20 ad now the person I am three and a half years later and I can guarantee yu, you will d s much growing and learning and your life will be different in three years.

    The time flies by, enjoy these first couple years of really getting to know and love each other! 

    Post # 16
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    Wow, you guys have been together a whole 9 months, I can’t believe you have stuck around for so long without a ring…lol


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