Weddingbee boards

I am trying to not freak out about this, but I am so disappointed. Here's how this happened:

We are having an "after party" in the evening after our brunch reception because my family is very conservative and religious and they don't believe in dancing or drinking. FI and I like both, and the dancing part is especially important to him and his family. This seemed like a good compromise and I was excited to be able to celebrate twice!

My mom broke the news to her family and they just couldn't get over the idea of her buying alcohol for the party, so she asked me if we would have FI's parents pay for the bar (just beer and wine for about 50 people) so she could tell them it was their thing and smooth things over.

I asked FI to ask his parents about this MONTHS ago, but he has been busy and put it off. However, at the same time, we have been working on getting a musician for our ceremony that FI and his family really want - its a family friend, but he still wants us to pay out the kazoo because he's becoming pretty successful. 

My mom didn't have $1000+ in the budget for a violinist, so FI asked his parents if they would pay for it, and they said they would. BEFORE he asked them about the bar. This really bothered me so I told him, please ask them about the bar soon.

So he did, and his mom responded, "Wow, we sure are paying for a lot..." which upsets me because I really don't want them to feel that way. They said we don't need to have alcohol at the after party, that none of their family will miss it.

Of course, my mom was more than happy about this because it makes things easier on her with her family, who is anti-drinking. She said that if people want to drink, they can go to the bar outside our reserved room and buy themselves a drink. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's a cash bar. 

I know a lot of you will say it is okay to have a cash bar at an after-party but we aren't providing a drop of alcohol at our reception, so I feel like its different. I also feel like many of our guests will come to a hosted party in the evening at a restaurant/bar rightfully expected for their glass of wine to be on us. I feel like they will think its cheap or tacky that I am clearly wearing an expensive dress but they have to shell out for a beer.

The thing is, my mom could pay for it, but she can't because of the family situation. His parents certainly could as well, but they already put all their eggs in one basket with the musician. They are also paying for our honeymoon and the rehearsal dinner.

When FI and I talked about it, I told him how tacky I thought this was and how disappointed I am, and he thought I was overreacting and putting too much emphasis on the wrong things. He said he would try to save up the money to pay for it but he sounded none too pleased about that. I told him not to because it was clear he didn't want to, and we are both broke.

So yeah. Cash bar it is. Yay.

I would try to find out if you can bring in your own alcohol - it would be dirt cheap for 50 people!  You could just get a keg & a few big bottles of wine.

*sigh* I seriously already feel better, seeing all of your support and advice. Thank you!

Okay, so options: Yes, FI and I could save it up. The bar is per consumption, and with only beer and wine and quite a few guests not drinking at all, I don't think it would be much more than $300. Also, since it is per consumption, we don't have to pay until after the fact, so we do have 6 months to save it up.

Having said that, FI really sounded displeased about that. He didn't get that I thought a cash bar is poor etiquette and thinks I am putting too much emphasis on the drinking. He said he would pay for it but he doesn't really want to, so I would feel like I should pay for it all my own, and it would be honestly hard to save $300 right now. I know that sounds like not a lot, but I'm a college student with a part-time waitressing job and I'm just scraping by. It wouldn't be impossible but it would be tough, especially in light of my recent speeding ticket (another thread) that is going to cost some money to take care of.

My mom would not be okay with giving us the money with us using it in that way. She'd think its deceitful. So that's not an option.

I'm almost positive we can't bring our own alcohol in - its a restaurant. They are also giving us a really good deal so I don't want to push it with them.

I would definitely not feel comfortable using our wedding money for that reason. FI and I have already decided to save all our wedding money so I know he would not be on board with that, and I wouldn't feel right about it either. It's like our guests are paying for it, which is pretty much the same as having a cash bar.

Drink tickets... I personally feel like those are kind of tacky too, though we are obviously in the tacky zone already. Sorry to be throwing the T-word around so much but at least its at myself!

I do think that if we spread the word among our friends, they will be understanding given the circumstances, but I still think they will think its in poor taste and sort of weird. Especially since this is our after party... and aside from the dancing, it won't be much of a party in some of our friends' eyes. That's a little embarrassing.

There's another option that I don't even want to mention, but I thought of it - my dad, who I have a somewhat strained relationship with and who will not be walking me down the aisle, is not planning on contributing to the wedding as of yet. I was thinking of asking for this as our wedding gift, but FI thinks that could seriously bother my mom, and I understand what he saying. I have also been saying all along that I don't want him to contribute financially because I don't want him to have any say, and so this is me being hypocritical. But it is an option...

moderndaisy: Thanks for your reassurance. You have a good point about the bar, but honestly I'm upset enough about that, I would really prefer to not have a cash bar inside the room glaring at me.

Amani: That's a good idea but the FILs are writing their check directly to the musician.

sulaii211: As I said before, we don't feel comfortable taking it out of our wedding money. As for our reception, we are having a dry brunch reception earlier in the day. This is a separate party with finger foods and dancing.

$1,000 is very steep for a violinist. Not to mention that we are also paying for his transportation, lodging and rental car. It's like he's Jay Z or something - don't get me started. But he is very talented and borderline famous, and he is who FI and his folks really wanted, and to be fair, its one of the only things FI really wanted, and they are paying for it.

*sigh* I gotta get going on my day and stop dwelling on this. Keep your suggestions coming though, and thanks for all your help.

KMSull: It's not a matter of "letting" my mom pay for it. She won't because of family pressures, and I'm not going to try to talk her into something that would make problems for her.

Puggy: We are thinking of having a champagne toast, but I feel like that will actually be more uncomfortable for the non-drinkers there since the champagne will be passed around and there will be attention brought to it, you know? With a regular bar, its up to each person if they'd like to drink. 

Right now, I am really thinking that I am going to figure out a way for us to have some wine and beer, whether it be bringing in our own (unlikely), saving up my own money to pay the restaurant (hard but possible), or asking my Dad (possibly problematic but maybe not... I will run it by my mom). Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

Jacqi: It is included in the invitation, so it is somewhere between an after party and a second reception. In terms of the formality, its sort of along the same lines of a rehearsal dinner or day after brunch... but on the same day. Does that make sense? 

None of my ultra-conservative family members will attend, though some more moderate ones may come. Regardless of whether they come or not, my mom cares what they think.

Twinstar: We were planning on cutting the drinks off after 2 1/2 hours anyway so no one gets out of control. The original plan was to have beer and wine in our room, with the bar right outside for anyone that would like to get a mixed drink on their own dime. After we end the beer and wine in our room, people could continue to drink on their own at the other bar. This is at a restaurant so people will be moving around. So its similar to what you are planning but I don't think we can even have that now!

I did a little research about what it would cost. At the restaurant's prices, and with the amount of beverages I think we will need, it will be right at $300 it looks like. If we were able to bring our own, we could do it for well under half - $136 - and that's without a liquor store giving us a discount for buying in bulk. The only thing is, because its a restaurant, I don't think they will let us bring our own, and if they do, they might charge a corkage fee. From what I've found, corkage fees can cost from $10-$20 a bottle, putting us right back at the restaurant's prices.

Have any of you brought your own alcohol to a restaurant reception? 

I feel like $300 should be managable and I agree with the comments that people will end up hanging out at the bar if they want to drink, which is totally not the point. Someone mentioned it before, but I think it would be great if your mom paid for part of the entertainment and then you can shift the alcohol cost to his parents. Also, what if you just asked your mom to help you with your speeding ticket so you could save the money. Really, $300 over 6 months accounts for about $15 per week, so you should be able to save that (with or without FI's help) by simply changing habits, eliminate dinner/drinks/shoping/smoking/Starbucks/etc. and you'll easily have the cash. If you need more time, I would suggest putting it on a credit card and paying off the balance in full as soon as it is due which should buy you about 20 days. Seeing as it is not such a large sum in the scheme of things, I think you should cover bar costs. I think I would feel a bit slighted if I were at such an intimate wedding with a cash bar even though I find cash bars fine for larger weddings. Just cover beer and wine or the first 2 hours and your costs will decrease.

Wow. This turned into my FI's and my First Big Wedding Fight, but we got through it, solved some problems and are back on the same page.

I don't have the energy to detail how this whole thing unraveled and then got worked out but - there was some miscommunication. We figured some other things out. We are going to have the bar. (Yay!)

*sigh* Weddings are tough sometimes! Thanks everyone for your support and advice.