(Closed) Ugh! Don’t know what to do about my parents (Long vent)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you have a good year before you need to start looking for venues and be food tasting 🙂

ETA- I would put a house before a party and my pride. Just talk to them, they probably want in on the action. I know I would with my kids, and my Future Mother-In-Law LOVES to talk about wedding stuff, I consult her on everything.

Post # 4
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It sounds to me like they are feeling left out and want to be included. Perhaps in their mind, by vetoing what you have already chosen, it may make you want to ask them to do some of the planning activities with you i.e. go to a tasting with you, look at venue options together. I think you will regret asking your parents not to help out down the road. This may be your day, but lots of parents also feel like this is thier moment to shine as well, their opportunity to show-off their daughter.

Post # 5
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

People are divided on the “you pay=you have say” issue.

If I were you, and especially since you know how your parents are, I wouldn’t accept any money from them and do what you want.  The closer we got to the wedding, the more negative my Mother-In-Law was so my Darling Husband stopped telling her anything because he was so tired of the negativity.  So, only tell on a “need to know basis”.

I’m sorry your mom isn’t as excited as you would like- a lot of bride and grooms experience this.  Try not to let it get you down.

Post # 6
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My parents’ money came with huge strings–it was wedding in Jamaica or bust. I turned it down.

Post # 7
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think not having your oarent contribute financially is a good choice. There is no free lunch, so if they are paying, they get to have a say in how their money is spent. Once you know you have the freedom to make your decisions, you can politely say “Thank you for your advice” and then go do what you want. It will prevent alot of hurt feelings andfights later on.

Post # 8
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with eupenmalmody. I think your parents may just want to be a little more involved in the wedding. This is how it was with my parents–they may feel like they are losing their little girl a little bit. Especially since they want to see you more than they have in the past. So I think instead of getting angry with them, try to be the bigger person and see things from their side. You might be surprised how getting them involved instead of yay/nay votes will change the vibe.

Post # 9
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

Personally, this is why I’m a huge fan of eloping.

1) Less planning

2) No nit picky relatives doing the “he did/she did and so should you”

I love my family dearly, but  I also see/hear a lot of brides and couples who get so lost in the planning and the BS that they forget to do what makes them happy. It’s YOUR day, and what you may like, others may not. You don’t see me running around telling people what they want for their birthdays, or what they’re going to spend their money on, because it’s none of my business – relatives or not.

You don’t have to elope, but at least try and remember what makes you happy. I would have a talk with your parents and tell them that although you appreciate their abilities to be honest with you, you’d appreciate their help in staying sane, and not on design ideas. I would tell them that you and FH will be making all of the planning decisions based on what you two like, and if they would still like to contribute monetarily to the wedding they are welcome, but it is not necessary. And gosh darnit they need to get in their car and come to you TOO!

K, that is all. I’m done ranting. 🙂

Post # 10
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand your frustration, Pleasing family has been the most frustrating part of planning for me too. If you talk about ideas, they don’t like them and try to get you to do something else if you just decide and tell them you get negative reaction.   I’d suggest sitting down with your parents to understand their expectation and their ideas.  My dad made sure that before we did anything we sat down so we could be on the same page.  I’m so glad he did that because now I have him in my corner.  He knows what I want and I know his wants (which weren’t much but still).   It sounds like you just have different ideas about a wedding then your parents and getting on the same page could be a big help, especially on the budget. 

Also I agree with the others on involvment.  I didn’t involve my Future Mother-In-Law in the venue shopping and lost my dream venue because of it. So when I found another venue I was ok with she initially hated the idea but once I involved her and let her see if and meet the people she got on board quickly.  I wish I had done that with my dream venue.

Post # 11
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, having to hear their hurtful remarks must be troubling!  How did your mom react the first time you told her how she was hurting your feelings?  Did she acknowledge it at all?

I think before you get into specifics of this and that, it sounds like you just need to wipe the slate clean and  sit down with your parents and agree on some sort of ‘code of conduct’ or something.  Just like you should agree upon priorities with your Fiance, the same should be done with your parents.  What’s the most important aspect about your wedding with them?  And what is it for you?  Hopefully that will cut down the nitpicking. 

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