Post # 1
My FI just informed me that his Mom wants to throw me a shower for women just at their church. I feel really awkward because:
- These women won’t be invited to the wedding.
- I don’t and WONT attend their church… imo it’s cult-ish with their beliefs. FI has been trying to leave for awhile too.
- I’ve never met most of these women (There are a few I know, and are invited to the wedding, and will be invited to the shower my Mom’s throwing for me.)
- There are a few people who have spoken out againt FI and I marrying since I refuse to go to their church.
I told FI how uncomfortable all of that information makes me… he replied “Well, they will give us more free stuff… but, I could see how it would be awkward.”
I think it’s rude to ask them to attend a shower for me, when they know I don’t agree with them, and that FI and I are not inviting them to the wedding.
I have yet to tell his Mom.
My Mom is planning on throwing me one large shower. We suggested to FI and his family that this one could include his side of the family. His Mom has not said anything about that. She’s apparently more concerned about “celebrating with church family.”
There is no question about this I will refuse to go if she goes through with it. She knows that I hate her church. I get the heebie jeebies from most people there. They’re like the Duggars, but way creepier and more judgemental.
Sorry I had to rant.
Anyone else with a crazy FMIL? I know they’re are more out there!
Post # 3
How awkward indeed!
I suppose church showers fall under the eitquette of work showers – they don’t all have to be guests at the wedding? At least that is true for work showers.
How odd seriously! Why would these ladies want to buy you gifts/attend a shower if you don’t even know them? I don’t get it either.
I would decline the offer too. Keep us updated! You are not obligated!
Post # 4
@sienna76: Well yeah, I think church showers are okay – if it’s a church you regularly attend and you know almost every there, and just can’t invite them.
I’ve gone there maybe 4 times in the 5 years we’ve been dating, and I LOUDLY refuse to attend their church. I think FMIL may be doing this just to irritate me.
Thanks for the support!
Post # 5
um…. it’s clear that the motive is to get you to convert and go to their church. I find this extremely rude of his mom… this is about you and not an opportunity to push their religion.
I would tell her that your mom is already throwing one and that she is welcome to attend.
Post # 6
@teabiscuit: Yeah, I think I need to make the shower my Mom is throwing more clear to her.
The church friends/family friends I know and like will be invited as well as FI side of the family.
I have a feeing that this is the just beginning of a really rocky relationship. UGH. Good thing FI and I don’t have any problems, besides his parent’s and their crazy beliefs.
Post # 7
I don’t see how this is rude. It’s very common for churches to throw showers for family members of people who attend their church. For example, my mom’s church is throwing me a bridal shower and I don’t even attend there on a regular basis. My mom is really involved with the church though so they’re doing it as more of a favour towards her. Hey, if people want to throw me a shower and buy me gifts I don’t care!
Post # 8
I don’t think there’s a problem with a church shower where the people aren’t invited to the wedding – but in this scenario, because you are so uncomfortable with the church and are being judged by some of these women for it – I would politely decline. It does seem like she’s just continuing to try to force the church on you, knowing you don’t want to join. Declining will probably offend her and may make things uncomfortable between you – but from the sound of it, maybe you’re already at that point?
Post # 9
@As_You_Wish: I agree. The mantra of me and my SO is that marriage is bigger than two people–it’s community & family as well. We will be including on our guest list a few peple that we don’t know super-well but are dear friends of our respective parents. And what’s funny is that the love they have for our parents extended to us (because they’ve seen us grown up since we were little kids) even though we don’t know them well.
A church shower that includes people who won’t be at the wedding is the norm in my circles (good analogy with the work shower).
PP, it’s all about what you want and whether you think your choice is worth it. For example.. If you DO go it’ll probably be a little uncomfortable for you, but you could come out smelling like a rose if you are poised and polite and gracious inspite of whatever provocations she or her church friends give you. Refusing to attend would avoid that discomfort, but might increase tensions with the FMIL.
It’s a “weigh your options,” kind of thing, I think. I’d lean toward going in there and being “the perfect lady” so that I walk away with a pile of gifts and something I can point to with the FMIL to show her that I don’t hate her (even if I do on the inside, haha) and am not a horrible DIL. 😀
Post # 10
@As_You_Wish: If it were a church that I didn’t bear bad feelind for, I’d be slightly uncomfortable but go. I REALLY hate the church though. I think that’s different. I wish they weren’t so crazy!
@GreenGables: Yeah our relationship is awkward, that’s pretty much our relationship, all beause I won’t go to their church.
Here are some of their beliefs that I don’t agree with:
King James Version only, Street preaching (“You’re going to hell,” fire and brimstone type) Women all wear skirts, old clothes. Women stay home, shouldn’t work, raise kids. Oh also no birth control. Education, other than home school, is bad. Modern day music is the devil. They only listen to blue grass. Manual labor jobs are the prefered choice of work, and most people are supported by the government. They don’t meet in a church… they actually meet in an old warehouse. The windows are covered by table cloths.
I have my bachelor’s degree, and working on my masters. I LOVE new clothes. I don’t want kids for another 10 years or so. I want to work. I listen to hard rock…
I’m a Christian, I help out with a youth group and attend church every Sunday. I just won’t attend thier’s… I believe in loving people, not shunning them.
Post # 11
@mandigrl04: As a Christian yourself, I assume you know about “heaping coals” on an enemy’s head and the idea that how you conduct yourself is a light to the rest of the world. With that in mind, this really IS a good opportunity to “rise above it” and attend with an attitude of gracious tolerance, looking for the good in their hearts even though you find so much to dislike. Your attitude of acceptance and love might be a stark contrast to those who judge and condemn…
Post # 12
@mandigrl04: OoOoh…now that you explained the church a little more, I understand. I know that type .
What if you were to tell your FMIL that the people from the church that you actually WANT at the shower are already invited to the main shower and you don’t feel comfortable asking them to come to both?
Post # 13
@39bride: I just read yours after posting my last comment. I’d go if they weren’t so cultish. If it were ANY OTHER church.. or religion for that matter, I’d go and be semi-okay with it. The church stands for just stand for everything I’m against, and they know it. 🙁
Post # 14
@mandigrl04: I understand what you mean about cultish. I’d still say try to be the beacon of love and grace in this situation, but I tend to be the type that gets a bit idealistic about these things…
Post # 15
@mandigrl04: FWIW, I don’t have any good advice for you, but I totally would be in your same mindset and be incredibly uncomfortable at going. I don’t think I’d be able to “rise above” these people speaking out against my marriage and then go pretend to be happy and socialize with them. I wouldn’t go, I don’t think it’s worth the free gifts from people that are looking down on you for your choices.
Post # 16
Personally, I would never set foot in that place again if those were their beliefs. What a load of BS!!!!! If they want to live in the dark ages, so be it, but you don’t have to show any support or acknowledgement of it by going there or spending time with them.
Edit: free stuff wouldn’t even be a good enough incentive for me! I’m very stubborn 🙂