Post # 1
Hi Bees. I need some more advice.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about 2 different venues. My FI’s family owns a really nice restaurant and they always have their big family parties there. He naturally wanted us to have our wedding reception there, as it’s “tradition”, and also because it would save us a huge chunk of money because it would be his mom’s gift to us. I had wanted to have our reception at my “dream” venue, but realized the cost savings and agreed to have the reception at the restaurant.
FI’s sister – one of my best friends (we met as roomates in college) got engaged on Dec. 23. I am thrilled for her as she has been waiting for a proposal for a while.
Today, she called me and asked if I would be upset if she got married the month before us and had her reception at the same venue – her family’s restaurant.
All their family is local, so there’s no travel cost for having the weddings so close, but I can’t help but feel a little sad.
I am firmly of the belief that the couple gets one day – not a week or a month, so it’s not the fact that she’s getting married before us that has me kind of bothered. I have no right to feel this way, but the fact that it’s the same venue has me a little down.
She’s already talked about how she’s going to decorate the place with uplighting and things I was going to do — because naturally I told her all these things when we decided to have the reception at the restaurant!
My FI is NOT happy at all about this because he thinks she’s upstaging us. I told him we have no right to tell her when or where she can have her wedding; he thinks I am being a lot more understanding than he is.
So that brings me to my question – would you change your venue if you were in my situation? I’m OK not getting married at my “dream” venue; it’s super expensive and all the dates I would want for 2014 are already booked up. (I really want an October wedding but would be willing to change that). FI is willing to give up that “gift” from his mom and have us pay for the reception. I am a little surprised he feels the way he does. I think he feels like since he’s the middle child he gets slighted a bit; his sister is the youngest.
I don’t want this to cause tension between us. FSIL sees no problem with us getting married a month apart at the same venue.
What do you think?
Post # 3
@ButterflyButterfly: I’d be hurt and disappointed. It would be different if the dates were further apart or you were going to decorate very different. I would explain to her how you feel and let her know that while you love her and are very happy for her, you’ve chosen to move your reception somewhere else. The receptions will be compared, regardless of what anyone says, it will be a competition. I would definitely move mine or push the dates further apart. While you may have no right telling her what do, I think it was selfish of her to plan it one month before yours. She may not realize that it hurt you.
We changed the church we are using because of my SIL. We live in an extremely small town and you have ONE venue choice for the reception and the churches are limited. Well my SIL got married over 9 years ago in the church we were going to use and used the ONE venue we could for the reception and she has since gotten divorced and made the comment, oh well, you’re going to have my wedding? I think she was joking, but it still hurt my feelings. We are still using the same reception venue, but that cannot be helped.
Post # 4
I’d be pissed /upset honestly. If you guys spending the money to change your venue won’t put a big burden on you I probably would. As someone with 2 other siblings I think your fiancé is probably so pissed because his parents aren’t stoping this. He feels like his parents should’ve said we are so happy for you (his sister)and of course we will do it at our place, BUT your brother got engaged first and has a date and we should plan yours after. In my opinion that would’ve been the fair thing of them to do. *hugs* hope you get it worked out
Post # 5
Well – since this family venue is “tradition” and even you were talked into doing it – it’s not really the same thing as the FSIL picking out the same venue as you. It’s tradition so she was probably going to get married there anyway.
After you’re married and all is said and done you will not care one bit. Your wedding will still be your special day and even if she copied everything you planned on doing…..it’s still your special day. I think the cost savings make it worth the annoyance.
Post # 6
@ButterflyButterfly: I think you have to go into this with the mindset that it’s a family establishment, and a nice “tradition” to celebrate life events there. Have a heart to heart with her and say that you guys should work together to make sure each of your events are special and UNIQUE to yourselves! See if she would agree that she doesn’t want things to look exactly like yours. Don’t worry about “upstaging.” This really doesn’t exist. Every couple is so different that every wedding is so different (and yet they are all really the same too, aren’t they?). Who’s to say which wedding is better, and furthermore, who cares!
Post # 7
My parents had somewhat of the same issue. It wasnt family owned but my grandfather knew the owners and both my parents fell in love with it. There were only 2 dates left when they wanted. One Friday night, and one Saturday night a month later. My dad and mom took the first night which was the Friday, and my dads younger sister took the Saturday night a month later. My parents never had any issues, apparently both weddings were great. With that being said my mom was a TOTALLY different bride than I can ever hope to be. She cracked her head open and had to have stitches on the day of her wedding when she should have been getting her hair done (and no she wasnt upset!). So I can’t say I would handle it as well as my mom did, I would absolutely be upset. However, I like how you rationalize that you have no right to be upset I think that shows a lot about you – there is nothing wrong with actually being upset though its a big day in your life and you want it to be perfect.
I feel iike since you werent 100% in love with the resturant as a venue to begin with maybe you should explore another venue. However, if you do end up having it at the same venue keep in mind you get to see all the mistakes and room for improvement at her wedding and then you can just make your wedding that much better 🙂
Post # 8
This is a hard one.
#1 its so nice of your future parents to foot the bill on the reception. I mean of course its easy for them (still costs $$) but what an great expense saver for them.
#2 your sister in laws weddong will be compaired to yours if its held any time within a year or so. Why? Because its half the guest list and at the same venue.
I personally would hate to give up a free venue, which points to, what can you do thats different. Can you light the whole place a color and have great centerpieces
Can you have exotice belly dancers during dinner? Can you have a different main course that your SIL cant have. Tell your mother in law that you want your events to be different and see what she has to offer.
If all else fails move the venue, but realize it may be a little insulting to them.
I guess my question is does your mother in law understand how stressful it is to have weddings so close together (for the brides) ?
Post # 9
@Andthepupmakes3: +1. I think that since you are close, you can work together to make sure that the space is decorated uniquely if you decide to stick with the same venue. If she is a good friend, she should respond positively to you asking her to reconsider some of the ideas that you already shared with her, since those were your plans and you want to make sure the weddings are distinct. Since she asked you in the first place, she is obviously considerate of your feelings and hopefully will be reasonable! But at the same time, changing the venue is another good option. I would be pretty bummed out too, especially attending the wedding at your venue a month beforehand! You may have some time after the wedding to make changes to your plans to differentiate the weddings further, but I think it is important for you to really communicate about your decor plans to make it work at the same venue.
Post # 10
@skippydarling: Yes, I knew she would eventually have her wedding at the family restaurant, but since her FI held onto her ring for over a year, no one was expecting him to propose when he did, so I didn’t think at all she’d be getting married next year. Maybe if the weddings were farther apart I wouldn’t be upset, and yes, I do feel like I was talked into having the reception there.
It wouldn’t kill us financially to have the reception somewhere else, but since my FI bought a house that we are completely renovating (my name will be put on it once we’re married), money is now discussed in terms of what we could do in the house. Basically, we could put a bathroom in the basement for what a reception would cost at the “dream” venue.
Post # 11
I think you may be overthinking this. Each and every wedding is personalized because of the specific couple involved. Even if your FSIL and her FI marry at the same venue a month before your wedding, your wedding will be no less special. I think this is especially true because your FI’s family owns this restaurant and all major events for his family have been and will continue to be hosted there.
Also, trends in weddings continue to evolve, and details such as uplighting (which I’ve never personally seen at a wedding that I have attended but which apparently is all the rage based on wedding pictures I’ve seen on FB and WB in recent years), would not be unique to your wedding for most of your guests anyway.
Your wedding will still be unique and special to you and your FI in the eyes of your guests. 🙂
Post # 12
@juliana192: My FSIL has been very nice about this. I appreciate the fact that she asked if I would mind, but honestly, I couldn’t say no, as this is HER family’s restaurant. If I did say it bothered me, it makes me look like the bad guy.
She thinks it’s great that we’re having the weddings so close because we could compare ideas and have so much fun with it since no one else wants to talk weddings with us!
Post # 13
@ButterflyButterfly: I agree with your FI and if it were me I’d change the venue, maybe even the date just to further the separation between the two events. FSIL sure is insensitive.
Post # 14
@ButterflyButterfly: As a middle child I get how your FI is feeling completely. It may not be rational but I totally get it. I would look at other venues and who knows maybe one will really sell you guys. I think I remember your last post about the venue and it sounded like you picked it for your Fi anyway who no lomger wants it so I would see what else is out there. You are handling this awesomely though. Also if you do move it, I would just say in the interest of variety and because the new venue is so great you decided to move it and not say its purely because of your FSIL so that it doesnt cause any bad blood.
Post # 15
ButterflyButterfly: Of course FSIL doesn’t see a problem with using same venue – she’s going first! FI should have a talk with his parents that he doesn’t want the tension it’s starting to cause, and how he feels a little slighted by her using the place before you. He should ask them to cover some additional decore for the evening so it will look different than sisters (worst they could say is no) Maybe an ice scuplture, tall champange fountain, or crystal back-drop curtain.
My advice, keep your planning ideas private from his family for now and remember… FSIL’s wedding is a reflection on his mother and she will more than likely want daughter’s wedding to stand out & shine. Good luck to you and keep up posted – we B’s are here for you!
Post # 16
I am so sorry. I would go with what fiance wants. He is likely more in tune with family dynmaics.