(Closed) UGH – He wants a motorcycle!

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nkatsa:  ((HUGS))  Wow, I feel for you.  That said, there obviously isn’t anything you can do to change his mind since has gone to great lengths to do all this a) knowing how you feel about it and choosing to do it anyway, and b) without discussing it with you.  I hate to say this, but his attitude reminds me of my ex.  Your husband is asserting his independence which – while ok – is not really ok now that you’re married because he is now part of a couple.  He isn’t single but still wants the “freedom,” so to speak, of the single lifestyle as far as doing what he wants to do without having to answer or explain to anyone else.  That in itself is selfish and inconsiderate of you. 

I would ask if he would consider getting counseling but I already can figure out the answer to that is probably no.

The only thing I can think to do is everything you’ve done – tell him your feelings clearly.  And definitely get the accidental death insurance in place. 

Since he is asserting his independence so harshly it is time for you to try to let go of some control here.  Because trying to control him won’t do any good, it will only drive him further away.

Try to find a hobby you enjoy that you can do on your own as much as he enjoys motorcycles and get into that so you won’t have as much time to obsess over him.  Or, try to join him in this hobby (if you can bring yourself to) and let him know you’re open-minded.  Obviously many people ride motorcycles safely every day.  I would be scared, too, if I were you, but my best friend and her SO ride all the time.  She has her own Harley-Davidson and they really enjoy riding together.

I wish you all the best!  I’m sure some of the lovely Bee’s will have some great words of wisdom for you. 

Post # 4
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Your husband is being an immature jackass. To spend money like that when he is unemployed? And to needlessly make you a worried mess? Someone (not you, because he clearly refuses to listen)…. but someone needs to tell him to grow up and start putting his marriage and your shared long-term financial goals first. So my question to you is, who do you know that can effectively deliver this message?

 

Post # 5
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@nkatsa:  I said if he’s really serious about this and refuses to change his mind, then he absolutely has to get life insurance and accidental death and dismemberment insurance, and he has to pay for it.  I read about what AD&D entails and it absolutely terrifies me, but he says he’ll look into it.  The thing is that it’s another added cost to our already strained bills, so he’ll be spending even more money and putting us in even more financial strain (not to mention the reccuring motorcycle insurance costs and possible increased health insurance premium).  

This is a very reasonable request.  No matter how safe a motorcyclist is, they can still be subject to an accident resulting from another driver not paying attention or a road hazard that he doesn’t even see.  After watching a biker hit a flattered coke can in the road and totally wiping out turning at a stop light, I decided that I did not need to take any chances and that even safe bikers are participating in an unsafe activity.

If he wants it and has the money to pay for it, there really isn’t anything you can do about it other than voice your concerns.  It sounds like you have voiced your concerns and he still wants to purchase a bike.  At this point continuing to talk about it will be considered nagging by him and only encourage him to hurry up and buy a bike.  I can’t really offer any better advice because my ex husband ended up buying two bikes and allowing co-worker to keep a third bike in our garage.  So I got nowhere with my arguments (and notice the “ex.”)

*He might also want to look into disability coverage as well.  Not all bikers die in an accident, many get debilitating injuries or end up parapalegic or quadrapalegic.

Post # 6
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@nkatsa:  oh. NO. I have had this same argument with my fiancé, and he absolutely knows my feelings on it. He had a bike a few years ago, and even though he’s a very careful and responsible driver, he still got into an accident and completely wrecked the bike. He tore up his shoulder and ended up in the hospital and still experiences pain from the injury. He also fights professionally as a mixed martial artist, and I’ve told him that there’s only so much risky behavior I will stand for. He’s brought up wanting to buy another bike and start riding again after our wedding, and I’ve told him no freaking way. I’m sorry, some bees may say if it’s your husband’s passion and something he really cares about, blah blah, you shouldn’t try to stop him. 

I say tough cookies. I told my fiancé that I want a home and kids and a family and for him to be with me for a very long time. And for me, the enjoyment he may get out of riding, will never ever be worth it if something happened to him or us as a family because of it. He was disappointed at first, but he understands how I feel and has agreed not to push the issue. he loves motorcycles, but he loves and values me and our relationship a hundred times more. 

For me, your husband’s behavior would be absolutely unacceptable. You have a very real, valid fear and feelings against him riding, and he should understand that certain things, especially risky behavior like this, should not come before the two of you as a family. and news flash, if he’s unemployed, he no longer has any money that isn’t your business, and certainly not any that can be spent on a hobby like this right now. 

you could consider counseling for the both of you, but honestly, for me this would never come down to figuring out how to just accept this behavior that you find so dangerous. I would never accept it, it’s something I feel very strongly about, and my fiancé knows if he really pushed it, he’d end up choosing between me and our future and his motorcycle. Maybe this attitude is too extreme for other bees, but I just feel that it isn’t something my fiancé has to have to be happy, and there are plenty of other hobbies to be interested in that aren’t half as life threatening. 

Post # 7
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Eh, we have a bike. I have no problem with it, BUT FI is VERY responsible on it. Full helmet, pads, pants, boots, gloves, must be daylight, dry roads, clear head. He’s not easily distracted or anything like that, though.

My problem with your husband is, like you said, he’s thinking “single guy,” not “you and me.” And he’s trying to spend thousands of dollars (PLUS the money for insurance) while he’s unemployed? That’s ridiculous. That, plus not talking to you about it makes me cringe. This isn’t something small that he can decide for himself. :

Post # 8
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with all the posters who have made mention to having life and disability insurance- if you’re married, he should have these things anyway.  I also agree that he should not be spending his savings on a motorcycle when he is unemployed- that’s beyond irresponsible.

HOWEVER- if you’re making this a big issue, he’s probably pushing back so hard just out of principle.  I would say make a stink about it in reference to the financial implication, not the danger or impracticality of it.  FI has a motorcycle and, while I refused to ride on it with him for the first 6 months he had it, we love it now.  I’m actually hoping to get one of my own in the next year or so.  If he is a good driver in a car, he will probably be a good driver on the bike as well.  And having a bike in a major city is awesome- we live in NYC and we use it almost every weekend when its nice out (no trouble finding parking!)  Maybe you can spin it like it’ll be a treat for both of you when you’re more financially stable? It can really be a fun thing and is substantially less dangerous than a lot of other “thrill-seeking” hobbies (like, for example, bull-riding, base jumping or recreational drug use.)

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OK, I used to ride, and it is insanely dangerous. Even if you’re the best rider ever, the real danger is from other people, who are mostly idiots lost in their own little world. And if you’re an easily distracted person, you are a danger to yourself and others on a bike. Riding safely requires total concentration and awareness. So basically I completely agree with you on thinking he shouldn’t be riding.

But, can you convince him not to ride? Probably not. People – especially men, because they think riding is masculine and cool – who get romantically obsessed with the idea of riding are extremely difficult to dissuade. So, if you’re not going to leave him over this, how can you maximize his safety? I have some suggestions:

1. He must take lessons. Real lessons, not just the “enough to get his license” lessons.

2. He must always wear a helmet, leathers, gloves and boots. The leathers and boots should be armored. I can quote you stats on what happens when riders fall and slide in jeans, but you don’t need to be any more upset than you already are.

3. His first bike should be both used and relatively underpowered. New riders are far less likely to get out of control if their bike isn’t too much power for them to safely manage. And since EVERYONE drops their bike at some point – most more than once – it’s a stupid waste of money to buy a new bike.

If he won’t follow these suggestions… ask yourself if you’re prepared to be married to someone who disrespects your legitimate concerns for his health and safety, and ask yourself if you’re prepared to spend the next 50 years waiting for him to be killed or maimed. They don’t call them donorcycles for no reason.

Good luck. FWIW, I no longer ride because I was injured too often in crashes that were not my fault.

Post # 10
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Blech. He needs a reality check. The financial irresponsibility (he doesn’t have a job, is living off savings, has already spent money toward this, and doesn’t think his money pre-marriage is ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?!?!?) is a big problem and it sounds like you need to have a come-to-Jesus, probably with a neutral third party.

That said, for the record, I am not anti-motorcycle in the right circumstances. My husband is extremely safe and responsible and level-headed. He loves performance auto and I’ve known from the beginning that having a “toy” for him would always be part of our life. At the end of last summer he sold his custom Subaru and bought a Harley with part of the proceeds from the car and he has LOVED it. Like, I feel bad that I was initially so against it when I see how much joy he gets from it. So all I’m saying is, maybe to soften the blow, never say never? Leave the door open to the possibility in the future? If he wants to be smart and safe about it . . . it may not be the worst thing.

Post # 11
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FI refuses to get a bike because he knows he’d be too crazy on one. At least he can admit that lol…

 

In your case, all that $$$ and no job? Um…

Post # 12
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I ride my own sportbike. So does my fiance. We are both quite aware how dangerous it can be. I agree that he needs to get life insurance and use better judgement financially. However, you may want to back off the arguing about it a little. The harder you push, the harder he will push back and then you may end up with one in your garage when you get home. You can express your concerns and they are valid, in the end, you may have a motorcycle riding husband.

I am a believer that when its your time to go…Then that’s it. However the circumstances. I know people who have been riding all their lives- accident free.

Just saying……

 

Post # 13
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

How about hating on the drivers that don’t look out for motorcyclists instead of the motorcycles themselves?

Post # 14
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Ugh, I’m sorry 🙁 It’s so hard because you trust your DH to be safe on the thing, but you can’t control outside forces (like awful drivers). My brother used to own a bike and got vowed to never get another after going on so many calls (he is a firefighter for LA County) for motorcycle riders. The most recent one a guy went through (yes…through) his handlebars because a car didn’t see him and cut him off and he hit the back and impaled the handlebars. Hopefully your DH will realize your concerns, but if not then you are being reasonable and taking good measures with what you’re asking of him.

Post # 15
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sure, motorcycles are expensive and dangerous but I really take issue with the fact that your DH did all this behind your back without actually have money to spend.  You’re married now; what is his is now also yours.  From what you’re telling us, it seems like your the breadwinner so it is only fair that he discusses these big purchases with you and he didn’t.  I agree with other PPs about counseling.  Hopefully, it’ll help.  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@nkatsa:  

Ya know what they say about opinions….they’re like assholes – everyone has one and they all stink. But here is my two cents:

If he is using his own money (not your joint savings or your paycheck), I would say that you have to accept what he is going to do because he’s a grown-up.  My fiancee recently got his motorcycle and I was less than thrilled at first but I knew how happy it made him.  In order to compromise, I asked that he buy full protective gear with the best helmet available.  Nowadays, we both love riding on the bike and it has become a source of bonding and fun dates for us! Anxiety sucks but you can’t let your anxiety make you try to control other people (which is so much easier said than done).  However, if you are stuck footing all his bills? That isn’t okay and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.  But, just because you have anxiety he shouldn’t have a bike? That doesn’t seem very fair.  And just because he wants a bike, you have to pay the bills? Seems even less fair 🙂 

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