Post # 1
Yep so it’s like this:
FSIL (who recently got married) texted me and ask if my other FSIL and myself wanted to go in on a gift for my FIL’s. Mr VB and his brothers always get a gift together for their parents. So, FSIL who just got married had this idea that we should get a gift from just us-the women marrying into the family.
Here’s my problem with this situation:
1) I’m not even engaged to Mr VB yet. Last year, when FSIL was engaged and planning her wedding, she didn’t care to give gifts to the FIL’s. This year, I’m guessing because they helped pay for the venue, she wants to give a gift.
2) It makes sense that the soon to be engaged (As in, ring has been purchased) other FSIL goes in on a gift. The FIL’s have helped her and her FI get a house, bought them all new appliances, and gave her 2000.00 towards a down payment on a car.
I hate to be bitter about this-I just feel like I haven’t had the benefit of these girls. I was invited and disinvited on a cross country trip (they thought that it would be better this way because I was too ‘new’ of a GF and yes the other women got to go), and I know a main part of the reason that Mr VB won’t propose is because he won’t have his parents approval until he finishes school.
Basically, these women have had LOTS of help in life from their FIL’s and in my mind, SHOULD be giving gifts. I have not, and I am not engaged, and probably won’t be for a long time.
I need help curbing my bitterness about the situation. Was it nice to be included? Yes. But something about this is bothering me. Would you contribute anyway?
Post # 3
@veryberry13: I would look at it this way…
I think they are trying to include you in the “women marrying into the family” which pretty much says they support your relationship and see you and your SO as *practically-married-anyway* which is a good thing 🙂
I’d be hurt if they left me out of it just BECAUSE I wasn’t engaged yet…
Post # 4
@veryberry13: I would give a gift if I could afford to and it wouldn’t put me out. Otherwise, I wouldn’t. I would be more concerned with the fact that your man won’t propose until his parents say so. C’mon now. Marriage is starting a new adult life with a partner…it has nothing to do with mommy and daddy. That would drive me NUTS.
Post # 5
@veryberry13: “That’s so sweet of you guys to include me, but Mr. VB and I already have a gift in mind for them.”
I wouldn’t do it – like you said – you aren’t one of them which they’ve made clear. I think a gift from you and your guy would be more meaningful, anyway.
Post # 6
I don’t think you should I’d say something along the lines of what @almostmrsj said “nice of you to include me but I don’t think it’s appropriate” or something similar that puts you out of the firing zone.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
What is the harm in participating in this group gift? What is the harm in NOT participating in this group gift? That is what I would ask myself in this situation. IMO, there would be more harm to the relationships you are trying to nurture by NOT participating.
Post # 8
@MrsPanda99: This times this times this.
This isn’t the 1950’s.
Post # 9
@veryberry13: You bet it was nice to be included, you need to get over the bitterness. They are including you and thinking of you as family already. If you need to be bitter you should be bitter at the SO not them.
Post # 10
@ValerieBee03: +1 to this! 🙂
I say do it…as long as you can afford it and it doesn’t make things financially stressful for you. They do seem to be trying to include you as part of the family and maybe it makes sense to embrace that?
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
I don’t think that gift-giving should be based on what the person has done for you. So what if you got excluded from the trip. Sounds like you’re marrying into a fairly cohesive family. IMO, you need to do your best to strengthen your relationship with them, not ostracize yourself further. Honestly, I can kind of see why you havn’t been included in every big family activity. I’m not saying I don’t get why you’re frustrated, but it’s true, girlfriends come and go. I get that you and your BF know that you will be getting married, but I’m just saying that I can see his parent’s point of view.
Bottom line, I’m not saying you need to participate in this gift, but you do need to take the high road and remember that the way you treat them is going to draw them clsoer to you or push them away.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
@lovekiss: this exactly. it doesn’t sound like you FSILs were the ones to not include you in the past, it was the FILs, so I wouldn’t write them off or their offer to join in the gift. i think it would be worse if you don’t participate in the gift and the FILs found out you were asked about it. Just giving them more ammo.
Post # 13
I know you feel bitter, but if I were you, I would consider contributing towards the Xmas gift with the other FSILs — ONLY IF it wasn’t anything super expensive and I could easily afford it without breaking my bank. I’m saying this because it’s a huge pain in the butt trying to come-up with an appropriate gift for the FILs, and if someone already did the leg work of coming up with a gift idea and all I had to do was pitch in some money, I’d do that in a heart beat. Otherwise, you and your SO will be left to come up with a gift idea yourselves and sometimes if you get a gift they don’t like/appreciate, they might take it the wrong way.
I totally get how frustrated you feel, but look at it this way, when it’s YOUR turn I’m sure the FILs will contribute to you guys as well.
Post # 14
I think you would be more upset if they hadn’t asked you to go in on the group gift. If you can afford it, I would put some money towards this gift.
Post # 15
@MrsPanda99: I don’t know but perhaps mommy and daddy are actually paying for tuition and want to make sure their investment in their son’s education is worth the sacrifice and he finishes school. And maybe if that’s the case that’s why he feels the need to wait until he finishes so they approve.
Personally I’d be worried about him putting his family’s desire as to when get married over ours. I would worry it’s just a tell tale sign of things to come down the road and how he’ll manage decision making. *shudder*
But that’s me. I adore my family. And we are very very close. But good or bad I just make my own decisions and just inform them. Then, again, good or bad I deal with the outcome. It is up to them to choose if they support me or not.
Post # 16
I’d be giving a gift even if we weren’t married or engaged, so I’d probably be fine with it. Otherwise I’d just say that myself and SO had already planned on buying them something together.