Post # 1
- Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club
So I am 7 months out from my wedding and trying to tackle as many wedding tasks early on as I can since we will be house hunting this summer. My mom and I are very close and she has been with me every step of the way. She has been with me to every vender visit, tasting, shopping trip, etc.
My problem is that mom is very opinionated and her feelings get hurt very easily. She has a lot of opions about every detail. Most things we agree on, but on other things we dont. And when we disagree I dont know how to deal with it. I am trying really hard not to lose my voice during wedding planning and its difficult. I seem to have two options: let her have her way, or put my foot down and make her cry.
This week we went to visit the florist and look at bridesmaid dresses. At the florist, she had a “vision” of how the flowers on the cake should look. And when I insisted on the bridesmaids having white bouquets and having a pink bouquet for myself, she told the florist to make them white with a touch of pink as a compromise. Why do I need a compromise?
When looking at bridesmaid dresses she kept suggesting that my sister/MOH add a belt or a brouch to her dress. My sister is insisting on ways to stand out and be special at the wedding, so she was happy to agree. I on the otherhand, dont feel its necessary that she stands out and flat out dont want the accesories.
So that brings me to today, when I finally tried to gently tell my mom that she needs to listen to my preferences. I told her I appreciate her opinions and I love having her here to help me, but there are a few things that I feel strongly about and I would appreciate it if she could let me have my way on those few things. Well she cried. She is very upset and feels like I dont care about her opinion and she says she wont give me her opinion any more.
We have agreed on many things, and most little details I am happy to give in on because I dont really care. For example, I knew I wanted grey linens and she wanted a particular style so I was happy to let her choose. But there are some things that are important to my like the bridesmaid dresses and the flowers that I want to have a say in. I feel like I cant win. I either go with the flow and lose out on things I want, or speak up and make her cry.
Any advice bees?
Post # 2
Tell her that crying is an immature and manipulative reaction to not getting her way. Harsh, but true! Seriously though, it sounds like there is nothing you can do about it, and if she chooses to cry over silly things like this, that is her choice. She is an adult. You aren’t MAKING her cry, she is making herself cry.
Post # 3
amoore2: You didn’t make your mother cry. She chooses this manipulative behavior because she knows you will feel bad and she will get her way. Does she do this to her husband too?
Post # 3
Honestly? Your mom needs to back off and realize that this is your day. You have the final say in all decisions and she can make suggestions, but its not her wedding. I would just keep doing what you’re doing. That’s just me though.
Post # 5
Your mother is being very immature and I can understand how frustrating that is. I would continue to stand my gound and express how you feel, as you are doing. This is your day afterall. The focus should be on you and your vision of your wedding, not hers. The crying is emotional manipulation and childish as others have already pointed out. Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 6
amoore2: I wouldnt worry too much.. she’s get over it soon… and from an opinionated person’s perspective, although we might say “fine I wont give you my opinion then” we really dont mean it… just tell her thats not what you want and you dont want her to feel that way and she’ll be right back to opining in no time!
Post # 7
i’d write a followup email explaining why it’s hard for you to voice your opinion when she cries and overreacts (‘fine! i’ll never tell you my opinion again!’) and use real examples of, ‘i’m glad we’ve been such a good planning team and I feel that i’ve let you have lots of say, for instance, x, y and z.’ emphasize that you love and respect her opinion, but there are certain things you would like and that you are going to go ahead with them and she needs to respect that.
your mom needs to get a grip – you didn’t make her cry – she’s a grown woman crying over the colour of her daughter’s bridesmaids bouquets – she needs a reality check and maybe a hobby of her own. you’re a conscientious daughter simply trying to choose your preferences.
Post # 8
amoore2: Is there a way to divide up the planning so that she can choose several things in a particular area, and leave you to make the rest of the decisions, seeking her guidance as needed?
My mom is VERY controlling. I gave her certain tasks and let her do as she wished in those areas only. So far it has worked out well. (knock on wood)
Post # 9
Your mum needs to grow up and stop acting like an immature five year old. Crying is her way of manipulating you, don’t let it work, or she will learn that this behaviour is acceptable to you and repeat it, like a child would.
At the end of the day, it’s your wedding, not her’s, not your sister’s, or anybody else’s that isn’t your SO. If she cries again because of a choice that YOU make about YOUR wedding, simply leave. If you’re our shopping, or visiting vendors, or at home, wherever, just walk out and leave her crying. She’ll soon get the message if talking doesn’t help.
Post # 10
I say let it go, she’ll get over the crying. She might make a snide comment about “oh wait i’m not giving my opinion” if she’s that kind of person, during which you can gently be like mom, I DO appreciate your opinion, but I have my own too, and I have gone with a lot of your preferences, so clearly I respect your opinion and ideas. Just beacuse I don’t choose your way doesn’t mean I don’t respect what you are saying “. Hopefully she’ll get over herself a bit.
Post # 11
amoore2: Do you know my mom? Are you living my life? Are you me????
This sounds exactly like what I’m going through. May I ask is she contributing to your wedding? Where it gets tricky is my mom has given us quite a bit of money towards all this, so it’s difficult for me to just tell her to shut it. What helps is I’ve given her some liberty in that she can come look for things and meet vendors but when it comes to making deposits and signing contracts, my FI and I do that alone. How does your FI feel about her decision making?
Oh, and my favorite thing is when I don’t agree with her, she says it’s because I’m doing what “HE wants” meaning my FI. Sometimes that’s true, and it’s not a bad thing. My FI is very financially responsible where I’m not and this process has made me realize how it really is ONE DAY.
If your mom is anything like mine which she eerily sounds like she is, she thinks she knows everything. *sigh* I’m not going to jump all over her or you and say “YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!” and “YOUR MOM IS A WHINY, MANIPULATIVE BRAT!” b/c I understand where you’re coming from. It sucks, right?
I’ve made a few decisions on my own/with FI that felt really great and just, “Oh yeah, so we picked a DJ/florist/rings” out of the blue. I could tell she was taken aback but at that point, what can she say?
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
She has already cried.. so stick to your guns and let her get over it.. dont give in coz then you will never win again.. next it will be your childrens upbringing..?
Post # 13
Go back over your list of things to do, and re-do all the decisions you can, and have them your way, not hers (like the linens). That’s just crazy-pants behaviour.
My husband and I have/are paying 100% of the costs, for our 2 daughter’s weddings. Granted, our family has adult only, black-tie weddings, with a large live band, so that’s a few decisions right there. But as long as I can have a vegetarian entree and a few choices for songs, on the band’s playlist, I’m happy. I had my day 36 years ago – it’s their turn to shine.
If your parents are paying for a large chunk of your wedding costs, figure out a way to do it without them. Your way is better than her way, every time. (Research histrionic BPD, too).
Post # 14
ladies me too!!! Sounds exactly to a t what I’m dealing with.
just curious how its going now as I see this thread is a few months old. I was searching the board for similar mom issues and bang here it is. This is my mom. if I have my own opinion on anything and it’s not the same as her idea her feelings are genuinely hurt. I cant win – I let her do what she likes and compromise my ideas/visions or I speak up and we have a fight/she gets hurt. why why why does it have to be like this?! I can’t wait for the wedding to be over at thus point, sadly. I’m incredibly excited to marry my love but I am so done with planning my mothers dream wedding lol, it’s my day!
Post # 15
Jessicachantal: So I was at the florist last night with my mom, which there was NO POINT to her being there. She had a chip on her shoulder and an attitude the entire time when I didn’t like what she liked. I’m reached the point where I’m 3 months out and my patience is wearing thin. I don’t really care if her feelings get hurt at this point, I’m just trying to keep myself sane!!!!!