Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC
Soo I’m working out at the gym when Boyfriend or Best Friend texts me “So don’t be mad but (BF’s friend) and (BF’s friend’s gf) just got engaged :(” First of all…you know I’m not going to want to hear that so why are you telling me? Not that I’m not extremely happy for this couple…they’re so sweet!…but I’m obviously getting impatient and I don’t find it very nice to randomly throw those types of things at me. Second of all, if he’s so sad everyone else is getting engaged before us THEN ASK dummy! He’s been all “oh I reallyyy want to be engaged i’m really sorry I’m making you wait” yet he has all these reasons we HAVE to wait. Some of which…ok, I get it. Some of which are dumb and really actually make things worse for us.
For example, I’m currently working in another state. The people I’m working for have mentioned they will want to hire me full time (yay!). I really like working here, love the industry, and would love to come back. I really don’t want to say “no, I’m turning down a great contact/job opportunity in a very competitive field because my boyfriend wants me to move in with him but isn’t ready to propose until after this long distance period is over.” I really really don’t want to say that. That is highly frowned upon and would look very bad to employers. BUT he won’t do it while I’m still out of state so that a) I can either have a FIANCE that I am marrying and moving in with and therefore cannot stay here or b) his company can transfer him so he can be with his future spouse (which they will do).
So, he doesn’t want to be apart during any time we’re engaged. I get it, I feel the same, I really do. He thinks we should live together before we get engaged. Again, I agree. Not a bad idea. However, it’s becoming a little hurtful that he can clearly see how hard it’s going to be for us to ever live together (let alone be married) if I choose to take a full time, committed job and start a career in another state and he hasn’t proposed yet. It’s very hard for me to walk away from a great opportunity for “just a boyfriend.” I love him very much, I really do, but if I don’t have a committment from him and they want to hire me, I don’t see how I can possibly say no. I know he has something planned, but why does it have to be AFTER I potentially have to make a decision like this? I feel like I have to choose between having the career I’ve worked for and wanted so badly or marrying the person I love.
Ugh, y’all. I was doing soooo well with this whole waiting thing and now I’m starting to get REALLY impatient. It’s been 3.5 years. Either do it or not. I don’t even care about the ring! Sorry for the long vent…it’s been a longggg longgg few days.
Post # 3
I feel your pain! There is always something in the way of marriage and the like. I think some people want everything to be perfect, worked out and in place before they make these huge decisions, but you come to a point when you realize that nothing will ever be perfectly worked out. Is it possible for him to request a transfer after you accept a full time position citing that he is engaged to you? It’s not like they would ask for him to prove he is engaged or anything, right? That way he can at least get that whole process underway in case it takes some time. Good luck!
Post # 4
Poooo!!! Men. Some don’t always think about all the details that the future might need. It sounds like you two should have a serious chat about timelines. You shouldn’t have to rearrange your life or put it on hold. If he wants to plan the proposal that’s one thing, but you two should have equal involvement over big things like jobs and career paths. Especially in this economy where its harder to break into the market.
Good luck. Being a waiting bee certainly isn’t the easiest! Us fellow waiting bees are always here for a vent!
Post # 5
I agree with PP. Agreement on careers and life plans are WAY more important than the element of surprise in a proposal. If you two are seriously considering spending the rest of your lives together, you should be making decisions together. Figure out how it would work if you accepted or if you didn’t. Be firm on the fact that you can’t give up a great opportunity for a ‘maybe’.
If you discuss it but cannot arrive at an acceptable compromise, I would suggest that you accept the position. Best case scenario, he will figure out how to move there (which he should in that case, considering that HE is the one making you wait). Worst case, you’ll just continue long distance until he is ready or until you get fed up, but at least you’ll have a great job.
I am sending over lots of internet hugs 🙂
Post # 6
A few years ago I could have taken my ideal job in my ideal city, bit didn’t beause my long term boyfriend who I lived with didn’t want to move. We broke up a year later.
Have you really sat down an discussed the situation you are in? I mean he knows you like the job etc but does he know how much you would like to take the full time position if/when offered? If his job can move, then I agree with the others saying he should ask to be transferred.
Could you take a month or something off work between this contract and the start of the perm one to go stay with him and get the proposal?
Post # 7
I would jump on the career opportunity.
If a man loves you & wants to marry you, he’ll move heaven & earth to make that happen.
Imagine the resentment you will feel if you pass up this opportunity & he still dithers around?
Post # 8
I don’t know that I’d personally have the strength to do that if I were you, but I think it’s the best option. Have you two talked about what state would be ideal to settle down in as a future married couple? That could add some weight to one side or the other as well.
Post # 9
Could he get a job in that other state? Maybe he should check it out.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC
Oh my goodness y’all! I didn’t even see all these replies! Thank you all so much for your advice. I’ll try to get through them all 🙂 I think my frustrations have made it seem like he is less willing to move than he really is, so I’ll try to clear some of that up! I’m trying not to give away too much detail for privacy reasons, but I’ll do my best with what I can give away.
I’m not really sure the in’s and out’s of his company, but I know his hiring manager/work managers know he doesn’t want to stay where he is and they are willing to transfer him if something comes up. ATM, his only real option is to look for a job opening that he can apply for in my current state or one of the other states we’ve discussed wanting to possibly live in. Currently, there’s nothing available, although he has applied for several positions.
We do have a timeline, and it’s relatively soon, which is also part of my frustration. I feel really demanding and bad for saying it’s not good enough, but it’ll be about a month after this current job ends. By then, I’ll probably have a new position that I’ve had to accept or decline. He is willing to move it up, but I feel terrible knowing he has a big plan in place and I’m going to change it. It has to do with a certain date or event apparently, and he wouldn’t be able to carry out his plan earlier. I’m torn between “aww he spent all this time/money/etc. making sure he gives me a sweet and meaningful proposal” and “who freaking cares just do it already”. I don’t want to press for a sooner proposal and look back and wish I’d waited and been more surprised, or wait and have it cause stress on our relationship that we can’t fix.
We’ve discussed the job situation, and he would never ever want me to give up on my career just to move in with him. I’ve found some great connections through this job, and they’d like to send me to yet another state for a while and then bring me back to where I am now. I also struggle because I don’t really want to move again just to move back here. Ugh! Finally, yes we have discussed where we’d like to live. My current state is one of the possibilities, but there are fewer job opportunities for him. We fully agree on where we want to end up and that I want to eventually move to where he is, it’s just the next few years that are a problem!
Thank you all for listening to my long and rambly vent! I think it’s sort of a wait-and-see kind of period which is driving me crazy (I’m completely OCD and a control freak over things like this). Add that to the fact that I really want to be engaged to him, and all the other engagements happening recently, and my emotions are out of control! Thanks for empathizing with me 🙂