UGH MY Marriage – Part Three. Long.

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry. Do you have friends or family you could stay with for a few days to clear your head?

Post # 4
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time 🙁

Post # 6
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

 

Nikkimcq:  

 

Marriage is one of those things that you never know how it’s going to turn out. You can only control yourself and thats the hard part, if your husband completely checks out of your marriage there isn’t much you can do short of trying to get him to work it out.

You are not the first woman to get married and shortly after everything changes. I have a friend and her story is kinda along the same lines.

She got married to her BF of 5 years they were engaged for a year. They got married in Sept. everything seemed fine nothing major was going on. They won a cruise for Feb, Feb comes and he says ” He is sick and can’t go”

She probed further because he didn’t seem ill and he flipped out and said he didn’t want to go with her and that he wanted a divorce. Just like that he checked out and didn’t want anything to do with her. She begged him to go talk to someone , to work on their marriage he refused.

He moved out a few days later and filed for divorce 3 weeks later. He wanted to divorce as fast as he could he got the manditory 1 year period waived even. After he moved out she found out he was having an affair and the woman he was cheating with started writing stuff on his FB about how much she loved him.

They were in the middle of building their dream home and he tried to leave her with nothing after he had that affair. He ended up marrying the girl he cheated with almost a year to the date he married her.

The point of this story is she had zero control of her marriage or her husbands behavoir. Sometimes people are not who you thought they are.

You are not alone and you will come through this.

 

Post # 7
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m so sorry. It really does sound like he’s “got you” now so he doesn’t care. I’m hoping for the best, whatever that may be. Hugs!

Post # 8
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Ok, so I’ve read a few of your previous posts. I am really sorry you’re having such a hard time, and it seems like you’ve been going through this for awhile.

Have you thought about counseling? And has he ever told you what it is HE expects from you in the marriage? I think you should take some space, and really think about why it you’ve married him, and what the marriage means to you, and he should do the same. If you want to fix it, go to counseling. And really be open to hearing his point of view.

Post # 9
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

Nikkimcq:  I can imagine how difficult this is for you.  I dated someone and lived with him for a few years and he acted similarly to your husband.  It was really hard and I found myself always walking on eggshells and apologizing to keep the peace.

It was easier for me to leave because obviously we weren’t married, so I would never suggest “just leave”… although I think that his total disregard for your feelings is awful and unfair.  He is clearly waaay too comfortable.  

For now, you could give yourself time to do anything and everything to make yourself happy.  Instead of trying, by yourself, to fix the marriage… just do you.  You can’t fix it all by yourself and if he isn’t putting in any effort then take a break from worrying about it (easier said than done… but you can pretend to stop worrying about it).  Go out, dress up, do things you like, relax with some wine, plan a girls night, buy yourself something new, etc.

I am sure it has been a stressful time for you and you deserve to feel good.  In my experience with the ex, the more confident I felt the more he realized I was a strong woman who didn’t need his ass.  Unfortunately he realized it too late.

I wish you all the best.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Anna113619.
Post # 11
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee

Nikkimcq:  I should also mention that same friend got remarried 2 years later to a great guy they have 2 beautiful kids and are super happy.

Hopefully you can work things out but knowing you did your best and he wont change isn’t your fault. 

Post # 12
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m sorry you guys are having a tough time. I don’t doubt that you want to work on your marriage, but you’ve been talking about looking into counseling for months and haven’t made much progress. I would say really focus on counseling, as you and your husband really need the help with communicating. It sounds like you talk him to death and he often just shuts down and blocks you out. It must be exhausting for the both of you.

Post # 14
Member
2713 posts
Sugar bee

Oh Nikki, this is one of my biggest fears. So, so sorry.  And while I would not tell you what to do, I would have gone away for a while to give each other some space.  Maybe the marriage thing is hitting him really hard because he seems to be fighting for his ‘independence’ in a passive aggressive way.  In any event, I would take some time alone and I would stop mentioning (or nagging completely).  People will do what they want to do.

As hard as it is, I would start to ‘live my own life’. I would obviously still respect my vows but he will clearly see that whether with him or without, I am not going to be hung up on what he does and does not do (at least for now, until counseling). The hope and prayer is that counselng changes things and if it doesn’t, you will have your answer.

Post # 15
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So sorry you’re going through this. As PP said, this can happen to anyone. We have no control over others and it’s really kind of frightening. But in the end, you can’t allow yourself to be hijacked by what people will think of you or your marriage. They will gossip, it’s what people do. But your happiness is more important than that. 

So, I can’t tell you what’s right for you re staying or leaving, but one thing I know for sure is you can’t change other people and you deserve to be happy. Give it all you can, but acknowledge that no matter how hard you try, you can’t fix complacency on his part. Marriage takes two people. 

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