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I don't see why you have to see him every single time he's in town, knowing full well he is going to want to stay. You can tell him you are sorry, but you have other obligations and won't be able to see him until he is in town the next time
I would say
Sorry Bill. We are completely booked this weekend and we won't be around and then work is hectic next week. It would have helped if you had given us more notice. We are going to have to catch up with you next time you are in town
@moderndaisy:Have u and your DH thought of saying no? I know you dont like it, but if you and your DH can get on the same page, you might be able to say no, yes but only for a short time, or just tell him u guys dont have the time, etc. So many choices.
Has your DH ever consider saying no sometimes??
If thats his signature style to always expect to stay then I wouldnt meet up with him. I would send a him a msg similar to what Lefeymw posted above and let that be the end of it. I think as long as you allow him to stay over he will continue to overstay his welcome.
You all make very good points!!! I know this is partially my fault because I just feel so bad not meeting up with him. It's not just about him to me, it means so much to DH's entire extended family to know we all met up when he is in town. It would be disappointing to a lot of people to know that Bill was nearby and we didn't get together. For some reason his family cares a LOT about this while my family wouldn't even blink knowing one of my cousins was in town and we didn't meet up. It's just how they are, they are a very close family.
I guess this time it really is pretty inconvenient for us. But no matter what DH will make plans for Sunday if Bill is available (we still don't know) and I will most likely join them as long as it isn't at night (I go to bed pretty early on worknights).
Ugh I just feel so worn down like there is no good solution..
Ugh, how annoying. But until you say NO Bill will continue to use your apartment as his bed and breakfast!
I wouldn't rearrange plans, which it sounds like you aren't going to this time, and maybe make plans to see him on Sunday - away from the apartment. Maybe go out to dinner or something so the temptation isn't there for him to crash when you and DH go to sleep.
I agree with you, it is annoying that he does this and expects to stay with you. I always try to stay in a hotel when I visit friends, unless they offer to let me stay over - even then it's only for a night or two.
We used to have a 1 bed/1 bath apt which was a nightmare with guests so I understand why you are annoyed. Has your husband already told him it's ok? If not, I would have him say this is really short notice and that this is bad weekend for him to stay. A night or 2 you could suck it up but I'd definitely say no to someone who doesn't tell you when they are going to be leaving.
I honestly never understood why people wanted to come and stay with us in our teeny place either. My BIL and SIL would come up for a weekend away from their kids and spend 2 nights on the floor of our living room on an Aerobed- not how I would want to spend an "adults-only" weekend with my husband. I've learned people will do pretty much anything to save themselves a few bucks sometimes.
Im sorry youre in this situation...
I would advise that you sacrifice your need to please FI's relatives for your own sanity!
There isn't one decision that will make everything easy...so I think you have to choose which is worse- for the family to be peeved or for you to be inconvenienced to such an extreme degree everytime your cousin decided to pop into town...
Good luck!
@lefeymw: That's perfect. Just say something along those lines.
Our place is a tad bigger, just a small den but not even big enough for an air matress. FI has a cousin who was visiting here from overseas. I was really excited to see him at first but then it turned out that he was here for 4 months!! Thankfully he didn't stay with us the entire time but he did end up staying here for a whole month altogether. I was going crazy at the end so I don't fault you at all!
umm what a mooch. I love having guests, but someone like that? no thanks!
Tell him that while you've enjoyed having him 5x before, you're booked solid that weekend with prior commitments and it's too short of notice. You coudl even mention that you have a different guest already staying.
I feel like people in big cities get hit up a LOT. I sorta understand because NYC is $$$. Last time I visited NYC I spent $250 a night on a crappy hotel that I wouldn't have paid $50 for in any other city.
@dookie32: EXACTLY!!!!! Yes this is exactly what happens to us. It isn't only Bill either, we've had a few other people come to crash on our floor and I'm always amazed by it. I know hotels are expensive, but we are adults now so wouldn't you prefer to pay a little to have some comfort and privacy? And isn't it just the polite thing to do when someone clearly doesn't have enough space for guests?
I'm also fine with a night or two, especially if I know when the visit will end. But what bothers me is that this particular guest never asks until we are physically together hanging out. So we have no time to think about what we're comfortable with and come up with a plan, we're totally put on the spot then and there. And he always finds a way of asking where he gives NO details of when he will be departing. And if we ask he has no answer other than "I'mnot sure". It's like, if you have no plans and don't know when you'll be going back home then WHY do you want to stay with US knowing you're just making us uncomfortable and stressed?
@PinkMagnolia: I totally get that it's expensive here. And that's why I'm not as bothered when people ask ahead of time if they can stay with us for a night or two at the most and give us all the details of when they are coming and going. I feel like that is what normal/adult people do if they aren't actually booking a hotel.
Maybe we should start charging, lol!!
That's just unbelievable rude of him. I can't believe the family would be disappointed to know that you didn't want someone crashing on your couch for an undetermined amount of time. How old is Bill? I would probably make plans with him on Sunday, but tell him that you have a busy week ahead and you're sorry, but you won't be able to accomodate a guest when he asks to stay. Who just springs that on someone anyways??
Ugh. So rude! Boundaries are tricky- so much easier when you are telling someone else what to do, and so much easier when it's just you and no FH to figure things out with. That being said, how about coffee Sunday morning, and then at the end, "So great to see you, but we have a bunch of errands to run."
Can he stay with any other family or friends besides you? You say that your husband's family would be upset if you didn't meet up with him, but if they are so set on having the family together, why can't everyone take turns giving him a place to stay?
I guess you and I are different because I would tell him no and not blink an eye! FI knows how I am about outsiders being in our home. I'm fine with just a few people being at my house, for a short period of time. Other than that, nobody is couch surfing. If I were you I'd just leave it up to your DH to tell HIS cousin that you guys can hang out when/if you're free, but that he can't stay the night.
@guitargirl: I know, if I were reading this thread about someone ELSE I would just be like "Well, don't let him stay then!!" But it isn't that easy. We do enjoy hanging out with him and it really is SUPER rude to turn him down. Even though it is rude to spring a visit on us like that, we end up looking worse if we turn him away.
@moderndaisy: So this is where I think you are wrong. HE is rude to expect a place to stay every time he comes to visit without notice. I do not think you are being rude. You have been over accomodating. If he did it once or only once every 5 years, then yes I would say you should provide a place to stay.
But in reality, that is not the case and instead he is the rude one and you two allow him to be rude by providing what he demands/expects. A place to stay.
As long as you are nice to him telling him he cant stay with you this time, you are not rude. You are realistic and you are letting him know that he needs to follow social ettiquete and give you notice when he is coming to visit (and by notice I think at least 1 month is appropriate)
@lefeymw: I appreciate your opinion and like I said above, I would totally say the same thing to someone else going through this. And it feels good to read everyone's comments saying I'm not rude at all for turning him away. But the reality is I do feel guilty asking him to leave or telling him he can't stay in the first place (both of which we've done before). So I do realize that this is partially my fault, but I just came here to vent.
Give him the link to AirBnB and absolve yourself of the guilt. He can find a place near you for about $60.00. You get to visit without having him in your tiny apartment. Problem solved without an expensive hotel or you being inconvenienced:)
A while ago, my FI and I had a family member living with us and he would bring a guest over without telling us. One weekend, I wanted the house to ourselves because FI and I had not spent much time together that week. My mom had once told me that if someone tries to make plans with you and you cant do it, her old best friend used to say "That will not suit us this weekend", and then the conversation was over.
So that weekend I wanted to spend with FI? Well in comes the family member with a guest (that we had no idea would be staying for the weekend) and announces they will be staying over that weekend. I very calmly said, "That will not suit us this weekend, thank you" and the conversation was over. They did not stay, and ever since then, he would ask me before hand if it was ok to just waltz in with guests.
Moral of the story...try the "that won't suit" line on Bill and see if he pushes the conversation further. If you cant' do it, you cant do it, and he doesnt need to expect people to drop their lives for his short-notice-sportaic visits.
i totally feel you on this. it's exhausting to have houseguests, especially in an apartment! we had a friend of dh's last year who crashed with us on and off for about a month, and it was just too, too much (i posted about it when it was happening since it was driving me so crazy!), and it completely changed the way i view this friend now--i see him as pretty self-centered since he doesn't make nearly as much effort to be there for us as we did for him. definitely don't change your plans around since he is dropping this on you so last minute, and don't feel guilty for taking care of yourself and preserving some downtime if you need it. and don't let the family pressure get to you--there's only so much people-pleasing a person can do
There is good solution, say no. But the issue isnt him it the two of you and your inabiilty to stand up for your home. Since you end up sabatoging yourself with this misplaced guilt thing, he's gonna keep Charlie Sheening at your expense.
Tell the extended family members -who are apparently going to be so offended at you not dropping everything to accomodate a moocher - that he can stay at their place. It is RUDE and unrealistic to expect that you will always be able to let him stay at your place. If you don't say no at some point, it will continue to happen.
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DH and I live in a 1 bedroom apartment and it's REALLY tough to have overnight guests. Our apartment doesn't have a den or office, you're either in the bedroom, living room or bathroom so there is no privacy.
DH has a cousin, let's call him Bill, who 'announces' he is in town a few times a year. We have to drop everything to make plans with him because otherwise we would just look rude (and feel bad), but every time Bill meets up with us he suddenly needs a place to stay. The visit goes on until DH kicks him out since Bill is sort of a drifter and has nowhere to be. It's super awkward and we end up looking like the bad guys ultimately for asking family to leave. But our other option is to grit our teeth and put up with it until Bill decides on his own to leave and who knows when that would happen?
I just can't understand why anyone would travel to a city where they had nowhere to stay ahead of time and no money for a hotel. I would just feel like I was severly imposing on my family or friends who ultimately I would try to crash with. And to do this to a married couple.. ugh..
And yes, sorry the whole point of this post is that Bill has just informed DH he is going to be in town this weekend. On top of that we are totally booked solid until Sunday and even then it would be annoying to make plans because that is our resting day and when we run our errands.
Thanks for letting me vent!