Ugh so frustrating. FI and his mom got in a huge fight.

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think he needs to calm down and he might not mean it. My mom is a control freak as well but she would never take it to that level. Let him calm down a bit.It sounds like one of those fights that wasn’t about the actually thing they were arguing about.

Word of advice even if she changes her mind about the money, do not take money from a control freak as it will lead to nothing but trouble.You handled it correctly I think and given how you desribed I would continue to be supportive to Fi within talking to his mother about it.

Does she have an agreement with him about working a certain about of hours for her? Because she is her parent and made her choices and it’s unheathly to hold that over his head forever, I mean having him over every single weekend for 6 hours doing work is no fun.

The only other thing I would say is maybe after both of them have calm down, you guys can invite her to dinner or go do some fun activity where your Fi is actually enjoying himself rather then spending time working for her which isn’t really qaulity time, and make Mil feel like they are hanging out and having fun.

Post # 5
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah, it’s quite possible that she wants to spend time with him and using housework to make it happen.

It’s unreasonable for her to expect him to drop his life to spend six hours doing yard work. If they don’t have an agreement about that, then your Fi needs to speak to her about that, if she chose to pay things for him as his mother, she cannot hold it over his head forever. They need to come to agreement on that, because she definilty sounds like she is milking it to control him.

 

Post # 7
Member
3596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@NicoleLyn1218:   That’s a good idea. I think once they come to an understanding about that, they can move on and she can stop throwing in his face or lording it over him.

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@NicoleLyn1218:  Parents are supposed to help their children – what does she want, a medal? If she wanted to be “paid back” then she should have outlined that and he could have been giving her installments (I’d sooner that than work for her, that’s for sure). He is not expected to be her slave every weekend, be at her beck and call, be a mind reader, or take her abuse. Fuck that. I totally side with your partner on this one. She sounds like an unreasonable B.

ETA: I never accept help from people, especially money, for that very reason. I don’t want shit held over my head or to feel like I owe anyone anything. I’d rather struggle on my own than take a handout I will be paying back for the rest of my fucking life. I wish people would just help for the sake of it rather than expecting it back tenfold.

Post # 10
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@NicoleLyn1218:  Are you me?  Also, is your fiance Asian? 

My husband has screaming fights with his mom (well, the yelling is pretty one-sided: hers) about once a year.  Then in a few weeks everything is fine.  But when they happen… Cripes.  He’s ungrateful and doesn’t appreciate anything and makes them look bad and doesn’t want to help and is mean, and on and on and on.

Last time it was about the iPhone that he bought for her.  Yeah.  A $300 phone – that he pays for the service on – he got them each one, and she started a fight just because he said something like “hey, I did pay for it…”  He’s ungrateful.  Uh… I bought you a phone…

I lost my shit a few years ago when his parents “invited him over for his birthday” to spend all day doing yardwork.  I had something planned, but said no, go spend time with your family.  They took him out for dinner – that was his gift.  Eff that!  We made some boundaries.  You marry me, you spend your birthday with me and you don’t have to work.  You also don’t feel obligated to clean up leaves at your parents house 2 hours away on the weekends.  If they need help – we will send them money to hire someone.  Or kick your brother’s ass (who lives there) and he can do it.

Anyway… You did the right thing.  Let him vent to you and calm him down.  But stay out of it, and don’t take their money if she’s going to try to conrol you. 

Post # 11
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@NicoleLyn1218: I think you should stay out of it. This is between him and his mom.  They’ll work it out on their own.  They clearly have a very complex relationship, but it’s up to him and her to deal with it and set their own boundaries.

Post # 13
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@NicoleLyn1218:  I would let him decide what he wants to do. He already has one overbearing and controling mother, he sure doesn’t need two. He needs a partner who supports him and what he wants for once rather than someone who just bosses him around. If he wants some space from her, let him take it. Don’t get involved and try to fix things. It is his relationship, separate from you, and only he knows what is best for him at this time.

I see your role as supporting him rather than trying to convince him how important the relationship is to you when that really doesn’t matter – it’s up to him! If you were in the same boat, you wouldn’t want him meddling or telling you what is best. His mom doesn’t sound like she treats him like an adult capable of making his own decisions. At the very least, his future wife should.

Post # 14
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsPanda99:  +1000

OP this…exactly this

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