Ugh.. so upset! I need advice :[

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

May I ask how old you are and if you are still in college?

It is weird that he told you one thing and your parents another and I would definitely ask him about that.  He could be trying to throw you off the scent or he could have had a change of heart. 

I would ask him why he wants to wait until he has completed his masters.  Does he want to have a stable career?  Does he want to be financially stable?  Is he worried it would be hard to plan a wedding while studying?  Is he worried that he won’t finish his masters?  I wouldn’t say it’s unreasonable that he wants to wait (depending on how old you are) but it would be helpful to understand his exact reasons so you can work them out and maybe come up with a compromise. 

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh.

How old are you guys? Why is it going to take him 2-3 years to just START grad school?

Post # 6
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@LoveBlossom14:  OK, first off going to school and planning a wedding at the same time is grueling. It’ll cause more stress than it’s worth. So you have to ask yourself what’s more important – him finishing school or getting married earlier. Wanting to get engaged is fine at any time but placing a 1 year deadline on it isn’t going to work. You don’t want your SO to resent you over this. My advice? Wait it out. I’m going to assume you’re still young. There’s no rush to get married right away. I waited 11 years for a proposal so I know how frustrating it can be but pressuring someone into doing it devalues the whole experience.

Post # 7
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

Thats some bullshit. Itd be one thing if he was right in the middle of the program but he isnt even starting for 3ish years? This guy is putting you off. I would sit him down and tell him that after 5 years together if he’s still not sure youre not about to wait 5 years more for him to make up his mind. In that time you could find, meet, date, and marry a man who WANTED to marry you.

 

Say it firmly but with kindess “i love you but I really dont want to marry someone who requires I wait 10 years or that I twist their arm. Its okay if marriage is not what you want but you need to be upfront right now. Waiting another 5 years is simply not an option for me” 

ETA: how old are you? Might change my advice if youre a teen or in your early 20s. 

Post # 9
Member
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LoveBlossom14:  Ok, since you are older college students (as opposed to being 18 or 19) I would just ask what his reasonings are.  Hopefully you can ease any worries or fears he has.

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@LoveBlossom14:  In that case, I agree with @LovelyCoCoBee: It’s not fair of him to expect you to wait six MORE years for a proposal, seven years for a wedding, and into your 30s if you want to have kids!

Post # 11
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@LoveBlossom14:  You need to speak with him about all this. Explain, calmly, that you want to know why he told your parents what he did. Then listen to what he has to say. When he is done offer your side and then see if you can work together for a compromise.

For example:

His Side: Lets say that he wants to wait because of money. Graduate School can be really expensive depending on the school and program; weddings can be really expensive depending on what you want to do.

Your Side: You were under the impression that you would be engaged and married sooner based off of previous conversations. You appreciate that he has concerns and is sharing them with you and you want to offer some compromises to see if something can be worked out that benefits you both.

*Important: Only make offers for Compromises that you are actually willing to go along with.

Compromises:

1. You get engaged within a year, but agree to have a longer engagement.

2. You get engaged while he is in Grad School (about half-way done) and stick to the original timeline (this depends on the length of the program).

3. You both agree to do a more scaled back wedding so the cost doesn’t conflict with Graduate School costs.

Other Solutions:

– You can both research the current costs of Graduate Schools for the program he wants to see what he would need to spend on it.

– Look into whether or not his job would offer financial assistance for the program.

– Look into Scholarships and Grants.

This is just an example, so feel free to alter or change it to suit the actual conversation. He could have a very good reason for his change of heart, but you won’t know until you ask. Hope everything goes well for you!

Post # 13
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@LoveBlossom14:  Soo… he basically is expecting you to wait a total of 11 years before even proposing. I wonder what giant life step he’ll need to have pass before the marriage actually occurs??  Getting a 100K a year job that he plans to wait another five year to even start looking for?

I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. It sounds like he is going through all of the bells and whistles to keep you from leaving, but is stringing you along. If you want to be with a person, you don’t set things up so you wait 6 years to even propose to them when there is not really a significant reason to do so.

At 25, there is no reason to wait till the end of grad school to get married (if you were younger, there would be, because you have not yet totally entered the adult/professional world), especially when that isn’t even happening for a few years. People go to grad school while married all the time. He is just stalling.

Post # 15
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

Okay 25 is definitely old enough to be engaged and getting married even if he is planning on going to grad school. I don’t know about you, but I definitely want to be married before I’m in my thirties because I plan on having children in my late-twenties and early thirties. Maybe that’s different for you, but 11 years is a long time to be together and wait for a proposal. My SO and I will be together 10 years when I’m 25, so that’s a little bit different, but you will be in your thirties by that time and still waiting. Like PPs said, who knows what excuse he will come up with next for stalling the marriage, then kids if you want them, etc.

You definitely need to sit him down and have an honest conversation with him. If you definitely see yourself getting married then you have to see if that’s even something he wants. It could be a deal breaker if he decides that he never wants to be married, so he needs to tell you that sooner rather than later so you can figure out if you need to move on with your life. 

Post # 16
Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If you’re really not into waiting all that time, then you need to speak up. As hard as it may be, he needs to know that you just don’t want to wait another 5-6 years. I am against untimatums and putting pressure on our partners because as much as you want to marry him, you would not want him to marry you just because he felt pressured to do so.

Just communicate your feelings.

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