Ugh – Starting from square one? Thanks, Family…

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

All I can say is you are a 1000 times better than me. If my family pulled any of that crap all hell would break loose. Don’t fret over the engagement party, I haven’t had one either and nor will I. 

I know you guys will find a better venue and will have the wedding of your dreams. I’d keep wedding talk at a minimum with the families though. 

Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

All I can say is that I’m sorry this is happening. This is why I don’t like to rely on family for anything. I’ve learned my lesson that in the end people are only concerned with themselves.

Post # 4
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

missmonsterjeep:  I feel your pain! My family, well what is left of them (brother and uncle) is so self-absorbed they would not even attempt to be part of anything if there is no personal gain in it for them and my soon to be FI’s parents can’t even remember his birthday! My soon to be in-laws are divorced too and this causes a lot of issues they tend to want to drag us in the middle. Anyway we are having a planned elopement, so we do not have all the issues you have luckily. You are NOT unreasonable in the way you feel at all! I would have been absolutely furious; not having your wedding at the family home is going to set you back a pretty penny.

I do have a father too, however do not consider him family at all, he has a wife and 3 other children and is loaded. Those three have always gotten whatever their little heart’s desire, whereas I left home at 19 because I had to. My mom had passed less than a year before that and I left and went abroad for 3 years, have been on my own ever since except for a few really bad relationships until now. Almost 8 years ago I met my BF; we have been dating for 5 years and are getting engaged soon. Finally life is complete for us! Hold on to the love you have for one another and toughen up, exclude them if they do not want to be involved and do not allow them to ruin your big day. It is not about them or the past family history, it is only about you and your new husband and your future. You get to start new, be the author of your happiness! Let them go they are just human, and humans make mistakes, even though they are parents.

Lots of blessings!

Post # 5
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Sometimes people offer things (especially if they’ve never done said thing before) and then when they really figure out all that is involved decide that it is not such a great idea.  

It may have not crossed their minds until recently that they would like to have more insurance for the day and I don’t blame them at all for that.  As they’ve started to think about logistics they may be thinking … where is everyone going to park, the field will need mowing shortly before, and the house will need painting, and the gopher holes will be a liability for someone to break their ankle especially if they’ve been drinking, and do we really want people we don’t know poking around the property/house (bathrooms).  Ideally they would have considered this first, but sometimes the logistics and issues only become clearer as time passes. 

Maybe they’re ‘avoiding you’ because they’re upset the conversation the other day was about you and the wedding rather than acknowledging FI’s dad’s birthday – until reminded.  I can see why she would under those circumstances be dismissive.   

Unfortunately all siblings are not treated equally. It sounds like that has been the case and both of you have been independent of your families for quite a while.  While I’m sure it’s a disappointment that your families seem distant with the wedding planning, does it really come a surprise?     

Hopefully you’ll find a venue that will be even better and you won’t have to concede to any conditions they may want to impose if their barn was the venue.  It sounds like you and FI will a closer and even more independent unit after having faced this challenge. 

Post # 6
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

missmonsterjeep:  I would be really upset about his stepmom suddenly backtracking on the use of their land. I’d encourage your FI to speak to them about it but I think you’re better off finding another venue anyway as you don’t want your guests to have to tiptoe around their place.

As far as the money stuff, it’s difficult to see other people getting help from family when you aren’t, and I get that. I know what it’s like to not have much support. That being said, just remember neither of you are entitled to anything and being a parent does not mean dolling out money, especially once your children are grown. Both of you appear to be bright, independent adults, one could argue your parents have done quite well!

Post # 8
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Wedding/event insurance is cheap! My venue requires we buy it… It’s like 75$! and takes care of all liability/damage issues. But no point in an uphill battle- it won’t be worth it. Just be glad they bailed with a year to go! And carry on creating your dream!

Post # 9
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

missmonsterjeep:  We both have real love in our lives, we are truly blessed! That is all that matters! Thank you for your kind words!

Post # 11
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

missmonsterjeep:  and you know what itll end up being cheaper most likely. A venue has a lot of things you take for granted till you’re renting them. (Bathrooms, genetator, industrial kitchen etc)

Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

In the end you’re probably better off.  I’m guessing that someone probably scared your future MIL with some terrible story and you caught her at a bad time, emphasizing whatever she has in her head against your hubs already.

People can be sincere, get caught up, and regret it later.  While it was never anything as big as a wedding, I’ve had to pull back on parties at my house because they just became much bigger than I’d really expected even though I should of known (in that case) that the young adult group was very large.  I had sky castles and I thought everything would be great.  But in reality, it wouldn’t of worked.  Someone else stepped in and offered their parents much bigger place with permission of course.

Yes, there is history, yes there is disappointment but I’d ask you not to keep the mindset that they went in this to hurt you.  I would, however, be very careful of future promises to ensure that they really could meet them.  One of my friends STILL gets caught up in the moment and offers to have events at her place.  It’s small, crowded and just totally wrong for the group.  Yet, it took years for us to learn.

Being realistic about how people our is not just their jobs, but our “job” too.

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