Ugh…. Unexpected Pre-Nup Convo

posted 3 years ago in Military
Post # 3
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yeah, that’s baloney. If you’re married for a long time and get divorced, you SHOULD get some of his military pension because you gave up your career for the family! This would be a huge red flag for me.

Post # 4
2694 posts
Sugar bee

Doesn’t seem fair to me. DH will inherit millions one day (but we are poor now) and we didn’t have a prenup. He had intended to but then change his mind. If we ever divorced, I am the crazy person who would steal his dog and most of his money.

Post # 5
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@JLR1982:  agreed.

If you’re giving up your career, or settling within it, you are entitled to something if worse does come to worst. If HE was giving up HIS career, I would think the same thing.

The fact that he knows how much you’re giving up for HIM to pursue his career and doesn’t think you would be entitled to anything at all is definitely concerning.

Post # 6
45 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m curious why he just brought this idea up? If it were me I’d tell him I’d sign a prenup if I get to keep my career, and he quit his. But that’s me and I’d be pretty upset. Undecided

Post # 7
9092 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well… I think this is more of an argument for each person being represented by their own lawyer than for no pre-nup at all.  We entered into our marriage with pretty much no real assets, and not standing to inherit anything, but somewhat similar to you, my husband has a career that pretty much necessarily relegates my career to an after thought.  We don’t have a prenup because we’re satisified with how a standard split would work.  If you both present a prenup that you think rightly protects your interests and negotiate from there, you both may find that you’re pretty close to standard as well… it’s just written on a different legal document.

Post # 8
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m also curious as to why he brought this up.  Maybe it’s common in the military for some reason?  Did his superiors suggest it?

Also, I couldd be wrong, but I don’t think pre-nups are all or nothing type deals… I think they’re more along the lines of, if we split up, this is how we will split things up, including how the pension will be split up.  It’s not if we split up, I keep everything, you get nothing.  Unless that’s how it’s written.

Post # 9
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

DH always joked about wanting one, but never followed through (thank GOD!)

That’s a really tough situation. I think he should get a lawyer, you should get one, and you should get a pre-nup consult. Of course he won’t believe you about it not being worth it (unless he’s secretly a millionaire) but when your lawyers hammer it out, I think he’ll realize it’s just not worth it!

Also, make sure your lawyer is better than his. Just in case.

Post # 10
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am 100% against prenups, except in the case of 90-year-old millionaires marrying 25-year-olds. Of course, I don’t think 90-year-old millionaires should be marrying 25-year-olds anyway.

I don’t know what I would do in your situation other than talk about it and try to get him to back away from this. A prenup is the opposite of trust and commitment to me. I would be totally horrified.

Post # 12
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@smravec:  Well, I guess at least he brought it up now and didn’t rush you to a lawyer’s office two weeks before the wedding…. at least you have time to think it over and discuss things.  Good luck!!

Post # 13
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

What is the rate of divorce in the military? I recall hearing that it was higher, which would make sense considering the moving around, deployments, etc. That’s a lot of stress on a couple.

Maybe he knows this and fears the worst?

I hate the idea of pre-nups. I would never sign one.

Post # 15
8 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you agree it means a need for equal representation… a mediator works until the first real challenge comes. Then the arguements always intimidate the weaker party.

It is actually unusual with military couples I can’t say I ever knew of even one over my own 11 years service  excluding our dimissed one(BTW if he likes it or not prenup or no, uncle sam says you stay married 10 years? you get at least 10% of his retirement. Nuff said. And kids? change the whole game and will void most pre-nups )



Communicate to him how much you do not like the idea but if he insists then it must have separate attorneys for each person.




The first time I married ,  we had a prenup, but the atty was his mother’s, and had her interests first..LOL. (it was her money he was jockeying over in the stupid thing anyway and being an Orthodox Russian , she did NOT liek his intents. So when he decided to play on it..




Half of it was null and voided by conditions she had worded in a specific manner (he thought he was gonna get it all…lol but all the clauses she had set in put him  in a fault category that actually put higher diposition to me. My mistake was taking him back a month before finalization and getting pregnant. ..DOH! It was a terrible 13 years after that.








but moral to story..?




DO NOT say yes to a prenup  unless you have your OWN SEPARATE representation




















Personally I would refuse, because if it means he suddenly can go cold and not go through with a  marriage.. over possible future material divy up? he is NOT the man for ME.




Though it be funny on my end in the case of no children in split- I want a minmal 5 year wage of my reasonable potential earnings as my training at marriage. I would want the wages of professional housekeeper like a majordomo/chatelaine for the entirety of time together (wont count the intimate relations) >_< lol..alimony is cheaper.



edit: weird spacing.. and one wretched unreadable typo

Post # 16
3017 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Call me weird, but I think a pre-nup can be very positive. It’s a statement of where your lives are at right now, what you can expect the changes will be in your lives due to marriage, and an understanding of how your financial lives will be intertwined in the future. I’ve met too many older women who left working to raise families and were then SCREWED in a divorce by wealthier husbands who kept their divorces in the courts until their assets all belonged to lawyers, or managed to freeze savings so their non-working wives were forced by poverty into settling for far less than their fair share of joint holdings.


No one thinks it will happen to them, but nasty divorces can and do happen all the time. Wouldn’t you rather lay out what you want as best for you and your future spouse ahead of time, while you love each other and wouldn’t let anger and bitterness get in the way of their (and your) future happiness? 


At the very least, it allows you to put down the money conversations on paper so there are no surprises on who will pay for what, and what those consequences of marriage and moving for each others’ careers will be. Your future spouse needs to know and acknowledge that you are taking a financial hit to be with him.

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