(Closed) UGH! Why won’t he propose???

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m confused, he used to bring up the topic of marriage but hasn’t brought it up since he asked you about a ring and you bought a diamond? I think a man talking about and actually doing it are two different mindsets and maybe he panicked a bit or started to slow down. Just by the quick info you gave, I got the impression that you might be moving a little fast and he might need some time to really digest the idea, even though you have talked about it many times. Maybe you should back down a little and let him do it on his own time or maybe give him the opportunity to investigate some ring options in case he might want to try to pick out something to surprise you? If I were you, I would have a conversation with him explaining how you feel, then back off a bit on the marriage topic just for a bit (only because you don’t want to be bringing it up on the day he had in mind to propose). I know waiting sucks but its worth it in the end. 

Post # 5
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you’re moving too fast for him. Maybe cool down a bit on the wedding/engagement talk and let him do things at his own pace.

Post # 6
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe you should just have  a straight up conversation with him about marriage. Find out what page he’s on, because I think it’s pretty clear that you are in different places right now. Just find out if he thinks marriage is in the cards for the two of you, somewhere down the road. I think that if he wanted to marry you ASAP, he would be the one doing all the legwork, he would be the one buying the diamond and all that stuff. 

My Fiance had NO IDEA about diamonds, the 4 C’s or ring sizes or anything, I picked out my own ring simply because I was more knowledgable than he was in that area (and I’m really picky), and he knows what a crazy control freak I am. Sometimes I wish I would have gave him the opportunity to pick out a ring on his own, without me nudging him in that direction.

Post # 8
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

you paid for the diamond, designed the ring and even set up the etsy account so all he has to do is a few clicks to produce “the ring” and he hasnt done it – this screams way too much pressure to me

i think you are running the risk of him thinking you care more about a sparkly thing on your finger than him, you and your relationship and i think you should slow it down and start focusing on things other than the ring

Post # 9
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Gingersnap: I also agree! It seems like maybe you’ve jumped the gun a little on buying a diamond and planning your ring with someone on Etsy, even setting up an account FOR him. If he was ready to do all those things, frankly, he would.

Post # 10
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

He probably feels like you don’t even need him! You’ve found, bought and paid for the diamond, designed the whole ring and set it all up for him. What’s left for him to do? I’m guessing here but he probably feels like you took away his role in this.

The proposal and ring is very important to a lot of men see this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/remember-that-the-proposal-is-very-important-to-him-too

Post # 11
98 posts
Worker bee

I would say he probably feels pressured by you at this point.  You say he brought up marriage at the  beginning of the relationship but hasn’t mentioned it much since.  What did you say in response to him at the beginning?  Did you tell him you weren’t ready, or that you were waiting for a particular timeframe/event/feeling?  You two have only been together for 1 year — not an extremely long time in my books.  It’d be fine to get engaged, but nothing wrong with needing more time, either, at this point.  So why don’t you talked to him — as some of the other posters have mentioned — and just make sure the two of you are on the same page.  Tell him that you felt you had caught up to where he was at the beginning (wanting marriage), but that now you are not sure if you’re on the same page or timing, and that you’re worried that your actions with the diamond might have made him feel that you were moving forward without him– that you may have gotten a bit too excited and carried away, but that you’re starting to realize you prob need to find out what he’s thinking and make sure that things are developing naturally for him, too.  you may even need to be willing to tell him, “I’m not going to worry about that diamond in the safe any more– I’ll just make it into a nice necklace for myself (or sell it or whatever), and we can worry about rings when we’re both ready for that.”  At the very least, I think you should give the issue some space for a while after talking & making sure you’re on the same page about what you both want for the relationship.

Post # 12
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada โ™ฅ EDD- April 2016

@eloping: I agree (: He probably wants to have a role in this, if you do almost everything for him then it’s kind of like your proposing to yourself haha. My SO said that he really liked when I mentioned the types of rings I liked and stuff, but then when it got to the point when I was planning the ct size and Etsy seller he felt like his role was taken away and some of the things he was looking forward to had kind of diminished. Now that I’ve relaxed a little and given him more room to choose the ring he seems a lot more willing (:

Post # 13
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Not to beat the horse any more, but yeah, you’ve done a lot and he’s feeling pressure. Also, it seems you very much know what you want and how and will go do it if he’s not done it by when you want… He’s had nothing left to do himself, almost.

Even if he was 100% ready (and it sounds like he wasn’t quite there), he may have wanted to do some on his own, in his own time, (and guys can be sloooow) but you beat him to the punch. He might be thinking if you take charge this much in a planning the proposal (ring purchase), what is it going to be like getting a wedding planned, buying a house, living a house with you and raising kids?  Doing too much like that can be seen as a little emasculinating – just like women, guys like to feel that they have a say in things – I know you feel you’ve talked about it, but have you “listened” about it?  If he’s silent, that’s speaking volumes itself.  He’s trying to ask you to slow down, to let him fulfill any manly obligations of this in his time, and hes quietly protesting by not doing anyhting you ask – not locking up the stone, not buying the Etsy ring, not really having much to say when it’s brought up. 

If he’d told you you guys were getting married next Friday, but he made all the arrangements, picked your dress and the cake and the location and just told you to show up and say your vows because you’d said you’d like to be married someday, so it must be okay for him to take charge and make it happen regardles of your wishes, wouldn’t you feel a little cheated of the joy of planning, of having a say in how things were done?  If he bought a house on a day you were busy and couldn’t come look with him, or you worried you weren’t ready to buy and maintain a house, wouldn’t you be a little frustrated he didn’t wait for YOU to be ready, too? 

Look up Mr. Bee’s plan, try to let got a bit, and let HIM make the decisions about when and how to propose.  He’s like a deer in the ehadlights right now, and I know you don’t want that.

Post # 14
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Move out on your own even if it is saving you a few bucks to be staying together. I think that the more you stay with him in the same house, the more you will drive yourself crazy if he doesn’t make a move soon. Plus you can always tell him that you are moving out because you’ve started feeling uncomfortable living with him without being engaged at the very least.

I really am not sure why people even bother moving in together before even being engaged. Because as soon as they move in, the engagement is the next thing on the girl’s mind…. USUALLY. And that totally f**ks things up for the relationship since the guy is not ready. It’s like a fastball coming @ him that he was totally not expecting AT that very moment. Maybe later.

Post # 16
20 posts

Hi bizzybee

Like everyone else has mentioned slow down girl, back off and enjoy the relationship.The more you ignore the “e” word the more likely he is to want it.


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