Post # 1
My bf and I have been together over a year now. We live together, we pay bills together, eat, breathe and do everything together. When we first started dating, I thought HE was moving too fast because he started asking about what kind of ring I wanted. Since then, he’s never brought the topic up again.
We talk about marriage, we (me more so than him) have even started planning for our marriage. Because of my knowledge and interest with diamonds and jewelry I began looking at diamonds because I wanted a ring made. He really had no interest in the research or the process. I chose a diamond and we both agreed to purchase it, although I paid for it. My thought was because of the high costs, we would pay for it together. He’s made no attempt to help pay for it since the purchase.
Once the diamond came in, I told him he could take it and put it where he wanted it so I wouldn’t know where it was and so it would be a surprise when he proposed. He didn’t do that and I just placed it in the safe, where it’s been since it’s came in the mail. Also, I contacted a jewelry designer on ETSY and I have done all the leg work with that…set up an account for him, gave him the password, changed the email address to his, all so I don’t know when he gets the e-ring. Obviously, since I made the account, I know the password and I can look at the account to see that he hasn’t even coordinated with the designer. Basically all he has to do is send the darn thing in to the designer because the designer and I already discussed the ring and the specifics. The most obvious thing, he doesn’t know my ring size and has never asked. Basically, he has not taken any initiative and he has no desire to do anything.
A friend of mine got engaged a few weeks ago and I “mentioned” how she’s so lucky. His response was that he doesn’t have the money right now to get the ring made. HELLO! I paid for the freaking diamond. Money is not an issue, the ring itself to be made is only $600.00. He offered to buy me a new iphone a few days ago which is that much in itself. At first I thought, maybe I was moving too fast, but we’ve discussed this…marriage etc, and he’s never mentioned anything about wanting to wait or moving too fast.
I don’t know what the deal is. What do you think? I feel like I’m distancing myself because I am getting the vibe he just wants to be a bachelor forever. I don’t want my misunderstanding (if that’s what it is) to pull us apart.
Post # 3
I’m confused, he used to bring up the topic of marriage but hasn’t brought it up since he asked you about a ring and you bought a diamond? I think a man talking about and actually doing it are two different mindsets and maybe he panicked a bit or started to slow down. Just by the quick info you gave, I got the impression that you might be moving a little fast and he might need some time to really digest the idea, even though you have talked about it many times. Maybe you should back down a little and let him do it on his own time or maybe give him the opportunity to investigate some ring options in case he might want to try to pick out something to surprise you? If I were you, I would have a conversation with him explaining how you feel, then back off a bit on the marriage topic just for a bit (only because you don’t want to be bringing it up on the day he had in mind to propose). I know waiting sucks but its worth it in the end.
Post # 4
thank you for the advice. i was thinking the same thing but it’s nice to get an outside point of view 🙂
Post # 5
I think you’re moving too fast for him. Maybe cool down a bit on the wedding/engagement talk and let him do things at his own pace.
Post # 6
Maybe you should just have a straight up conversation with him about marriage. Find out what page he’s on, because I think it’s pretty clear that you are in different places right now. Just find out if he thinks marriage is in the cards for the two of you, somewhere down the road. I think that if he wanted to marry you ASAP, he would be the one doing all the legwork, he would be the one buying the diamond and all that stuff.
My Fiance had NO IDEA about diamonds, the 4 C’s or ring sizes or anything, I picked out my own ring simply because I was more knowledgable than he was in that area (and I’m really picky), and he knows what a crazy control freak I am. Sometimes I wish I would have gave him the opportunity to pick out a ring on his own, without me nudging him in that direction.
Post # 8
you paid for the diamond, designed the ring and even set up the etsy account so all he has to do is a few clicks to produce “the ring” and he hasnt done it – this screams way too much pressure to me
i think you are running the risk of him thinking you care more about a sparkly thing on your finger than him, you and your relationship and i think you should slow it down and start focusing on things other than the ring
Post # 9
@Gingersnap: I also agree! It seems like maybe you’ve jumped the gun a little on buying a diamond and planning your ring with someone on Etsy, even setting up an account FOR him. If he was ready to do all those things, frankly, he would.
Post # 10
He probably feels like you don’t even need him! You’ve found, bought and paid for the diamond, designed the whole ring and set it all up for him. What’s left for him to do? I’m guessing here but he probably feels like you took away his role in this.
The proposal and ring is very important to a lot of men see this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/remember-that-the-proposal-is-very-important-to-him-too
Post # 11
I would say he probably feels pressured by you at this point. You say he brought up marriage at the beginning of the relationship but hasn’t mentioned it much since. What did you say in response to him at the beginning? Did you tell him you weren’t ready, or that you were waiting for a particular timeframe/event/feeling? You two have only been together for 1 year — not an extremely long time in my books. It’d be fine to get engaged, but nothing wrong with needing more time, either, at this point. So why don’t you talked to him — as some of the other posters have mentioned — and just make sure the two of you are on the same page. Tell him that you felt you had caught up to where he was at the beginning (wanting marriage), but that now you are not sure if you’re on the same page or timing, and that you’re worried that your actions with the diamond might have made him feel that you were moving forward without him– that you may have gotten a bit too excited and carried away, but that you’re starting to realize you prob need to find out what he’s thinking and make sure that things are developing naturally for him, too. you may even need to be willing to tell him, “I’m not going to worry about that diamond in the safe any more– I’ll just make it into a nice necklace for myself (or sell it or whatever), and we can worry about rings when we’re both ready for that.” At the very least, I think you should give the issue some space for a while after talking & making sure you’re on the same page about what you both want for the relationship.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
@eloping: I agree (: He probably wants to have a role in this, if you do almost everything for him then it’s kind of like your proposing to yourself haha. My SO said that he really liked when I mentioned the types of rings I liked and stuff, but then when it got to the point when I was planning the ct size and Etsy seller he felt like his role was taken away and some of the things he was looking forward to had kind of diminished. Now that I’ve relaxed a little and given him more room to choose the ring he seems a lot more willing (:
Post # 13
Not to beat the horse any more, but yeah, you’ve done a lot and he’s feeling pressure. Also, it seems you very much know what you want and how and will go do it if he’s not done it by when you want… He’s had nothing left to do himself, almost.
Even if he was 100% ready (and it sounds like he wasn’t quite there), he may have wanted to do some on his own, in his own time, (and guys can be sloooow) but you beat him to the punch. He might be thinking if you take charge this much in a planning the proposal (ring purchase), what is it going to be like getting a wedding planned, buying a house, living a house with you and raising kids? Doing too much like that can be seen as a little emasculinating – just like women, guys like to feel that they have a say in things – I know you feel you’ve talked about it, but have you “listened” about it? If he’s silent, that’s speaking volumes itself. He’s trying to ask you to slow down, to let him fulfill any manly obligations of this in his time, and hes quietly protesting by not doing anyhting you ask – not locking up the stone, not buying the Etsy ring, not really having much to say when it’s brought up.
If he’d told you you guys were getting married next Friday, but he made all the arrangements, picked your dress and the cake and the location and just told you to show up and say your vows because you’d said you’d like to be married someday, so it must be okay for him to take charge and make it happen regardles of your wishes, wouldn’t you feel a little cheated of the joy of planning, of having a say in how things were done? If he bought a house on a day you were busy and couldn’t come look with him, or you worried you weren’t ready to buy and maintain a house, wouldn’t you be a little frustrated he didn’t wait for YOU to be ready, too?
Look up Mr. Bee’s plan, try to let got a bit, and let HIM make the decisions about when and how to propose. He’s like a deer in the ehadlights right now, and I know you don’t want that.
Post # 14
Move out on your own even if it is saving you a few bucks to be staying together. I think that the more you stay with him in the same house, the more you will drive yourself crazy if he doesn’t make a move soon. Plus you can always tell him that you are moving out because you’ve started feeling uncomfortable living with him without being engaged at the very least.
I really am not sure why people even bother moving in together before even being engaged. Because as soon as they move in, the engagement is the next thing on the girl’s mind…. USUALLY. And that totally f**ks things up for the relationship since the guy is not ready. It’s like a fastball coming @ him that he was totally not expecting AT that very moment. Maybe later.
Post # 15
THANKS LADIES!!! 🙂 Loving the advice. I guess I’ve gone overboard to say the least. I have taken the advice and I bought a Glamour magazine instead of a wedding magazine today 😉 Time to back off 🙂
Post # 16
Like everyone else has mentioned slow down girl, back off and enjoy the relationship.The more you ignore the “e” word the more likely he is to want it.