Post # 1
Sooo I have always wanted a smaller bridal party. I’ve been a bridesmaid in large bridal parties, and it (for me) has been somewhat difficult when 7 or 8 or more girls all try to agree on something or work together. Anyway, I have an older sister who will be my MOH. Easy. I have two close friends from high school who I still talk to almost daily. Done and done. My closest friend (“S”) went to college with me and is like another sister. That makes 4.
Now..another college friend (“R”) has been asking around if I’ve chosen bridesmaids yet. She has been a friend for years, but not always a very good one. She is very bossy and confrontational. She has also complained about every single wedding she’s been in or attended ever. Although she is in my immediate group of friends, I haven’t been as close to her in the past few years. (When I got engaged she said she had ideas for a shower, so I have seen this coming.)
I try to avoid confrontation and drama at all costs, but my BM “S” thinks I need to call this friend and somehow tell her she’s not in the bridal party. Awkward, right?? At the same time, I understand that this would be better than skirting around the issue and avoiding her. But why didn’t she just ask ME if she was wondering? This all seems like such unnecessary drama, which is exactly why I didn’t choose her in the first place.
I don’t want to put S in the position of fielding all of the questions and doing the dirty work for me, but the thought of confrontation that could possibly (probably) be uncomfortable makes me cringe. What would you say to someone who thought she was a BM but wasn’t? Any advice would be much appreciated!
Post # 3
It’s your responsibility to tell people they ARE in the bridal party-not that they aren’t unless they ask you directly about it. Don’t be bullied into things you don’t want to do. It’s her problem, not yours.
Post # 4
I would just announce who my bridal party was in some way. Like make a facebook post that says, “Only 12 months left before the wedding and I’ve alrady got my 4 corners–that is the girls responsible for carrying the stretcher down the aisle if I pass out before the wedding. Love you guys “MOH” “F1” “F2” “S”….”
You know something light but that still makes the point clear.
I think it’s way more insulting to be called and told you are NOT a BM.
Post # 5
If you want to include her in some way, ask her to read something during your ceremony, man the guest book, be an usher, etc. That should make it pretty clear that she’s not a bridesmaid. Do not say anything to her about not being a bridesmaid unless she specifically asks you, and only you. Doesn’t matter how dramatic she’s being about it, it’s not your responsibility to make sure her feelings aren’t hurt.
Post # 6
i think it would be awkward to phone someone to tell them that they were not invited to be part of the bridal party – kinda like phoning people that are not invited to attend
Post # 7
Thanks guys. You’re right. I really need to NOT stress about stuff like that.
@eloping That thought made me giggle. “Hi, it’s me. Just calling to tell you you’re not invited to our wedding. Have a great day!” haha
Post # 8
@LovesToPlan: I would not go directly to her and tell her she isn’t in the wedding party unless she comes to you. But if she wants to know if shes a BM she can ask your other friend or just wait until its close enough to your wedding to realize she isn’t one. If you want to give her another job, that would be a nice indirect way of telling her.
I had a situation where FBIL’s GF was asking around to see if she would be a BM (and never in a million years did I ever consider her) so FH just asked his brother one day if his GF was asking. He said she was asking and did want to be a BM, so FH just told him that we wanted a small wedding party and it was already set – left it at that.
I’m sure her feelings are hurt because she has basically avoided me at all costs since then (almost 3 months ago) but we were never close to begin with (hence why she wasn’t chosen to be a BM). We just don’t talk about the BMs (or even the wedding) at all around her.
Post # 9
I had an issue similar to this. However, please DO NOT do what I did (cave, and make her a bridesmaid). I regret asking her, and you will too if she or anyone else pressures you to do so.
Post # 10
Update: We got together for coffee. She asked and I told her, “We decided to have a smaller bridal party, so I unfortunately did not ask every one of my close friends. I’m so excited to celebrate with you and we’ll have so much fun at the wedding!” She got really mad and stormed out of the Starbucks. She then sent a pretty rude email telling me how selfish it was for me to not find time to tell her sooner. She expected me to call her after I called my bridesmaids just to tell her she wasn’t a bridesmaid, and she is “pissed” that she had to “figure it out by me not saying anything earlier”. Which obviously is bs…she didn’t figure out since she was asking around.
This sounds so petty when it’s all typed out…I should save my energy for something more worthy of it. Bees, to be honest this wedding planning has really shown me who my true friends are. It’s tough, but maybe in the end it’s better that I see how good of friends these people really are.
Post # 11
ugh I guess you’re glad she’s not a bridesmaid then! What a drama queen. Idk if I’d ever talk to someone again if they stormed out of Starbucks on me!
Post # 12
@PinkMagnolia: Seriously! Made me 10x more glad I didn’t choose her.
Post # 13
@LovesToPlan: I’m with PinkMagnolia! Can you imagine what kind of BM she would be if she did this just b/c you didn’t choose her as a BM?
Did you ever write back to the email? I would either ignore it or write back something simple like, “Sorry you feel this way. I didn’t think I had to call every one of my closest friends and explain to them why I didn’t choose them as a bridesmaid.” Even using eloping’s comment about how it would be like calling every person you aren’t able to invite and explaining the same thing.