Weddingbee boards

So, I'm starting to get fed up.

I lost my mother almost five months ago and I'm getting married in April. I've already faced the fact that she won't be there physically and other than my grandfather (who will be walking me down the aisle), I have no other family. And I've pretty much planned this wedding by myself, which I never thought I'd be doing. I always thought my mother would be my side. So everything is extremely emotional as it is.

My FMIL is a control freak..always has, always will be. When we first started planning the wedding, she was very hands-off. She would chime in every so often with an idea, or show me something she found on a website occasionally, which surprised the hell out of me.

But as clock continues to tick closer to April, she's been taking over. At first, I figured she was just trying to help me since my mother is not here to help, but it's getting really annoying. Not to mention, I'm paying for EVERYTHING (long story - see my other posts).

Everytime I see her (which is like 3-4 times a week), she's found another website, or a particular design she likes. (SHE likes being the keyword) Or a type of favor.

Last week, she picked out a way to word the invitations (after I dumbly mentioned my anxiety about a way to word the invitations since I have no other living family except my grandfather in casual conversations) as well as a design. I looked at it, and agreed to the wording, but politely said I would consider the design after looking around some more.

Then the last time I saw her, we were all having dinner, and she mentioned that she found a website with suggestions about music (something the fiance & I still haven't decided on). Ok, fair enough. I'll take a look at it sometime.

No. She thinks our first dance should be to Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me." Um..pretty song, but I have other ideas. I politely explained that I danced to that song when I was professional dancer for my grandmother (who is now deceased) many years ago, hoping that she would get the hint. When she didn't, I changed the subject.

Normally, I'd have no problem telling someone when it's time to back off, but since I've known this woman for five years, I know how that would go. She would completely blow up, and there'd be a huge meltdown that could possibly end in the wedding being called off, which of course is the last thing I want (not to mention all the non-refundable deposits have been already put down). She has an explosive temper and has already had a stroke two years ago when things didn't go her way.

So to avoid unnecessary drama, I've found a way to keep things calm and rational.  I listen to her suggestions and then in the end, I go with what I think is best. Sometimes I take her advice, but add on my own flavor to it and tweak it the way I want.

I've avoided the "This is my day & I'm doing what I want.." attitude, because his family already thinks I'm trying to go overboard. Overboard is the complete opposite of what I've done so far. We're getting married at a small chapel in the mountains that has a package deal that covers photographs, food, the cake, flowers, DJ, etc. The wedding coordinator at the venue takes the pictures (not the style I would choose, but we're on a budget), and at one point, I was considering hiring another photographer to shoot as well, since my attitude is "You only get married once (or we hope)..& photographs are something that we'll look at forever." But since his family thinks that would be overboard and most of the photographers I've found aren't available or way too pricy, I bit my tongue. I'm keeping everything really simple, and it's going to be a relatively small wedding (60 people or less).

But now comes the issue..

My fiance's youngest sister is the baby of the family & she is completely spoiled. She has a disability (moderate Asperger's Syndrome) and is extremely sensitive. I'm very aware of her disability and know quite a bit about other disabilities since my mother taught Special Ed for many years and am very sensitive to it. However, her mother tends to use her disability as a way to entitle her and she never hears the word "no." Even though I have several friends who probably wanted to be bridesmaids, I asked his two sisters to be bridesmaids and my friend from college. I figured that since I was including them, that'd be enough. Apparently, not.

His youngest sister went to aesthetics school for about a year (a couple years ago) and while she was there, the school covered a brief session about make-up. Since she was determined to make it in the aesthetics industry, her mother went out and bought all these supplies, including make-up. A year or two ago, the fiance and I were going to go out for an anniversary dinner & had booked a hotel suite for us. His mother pretty much insisted that I let his sister do my make-up before we left, and I didn't have the heart to tell her no.

I ended up looking like a five-dollar hooker. Dark purple eyeshadow..very heavy eyeliner..wrong color red lipstick. I'm a natural redhead and am very fair so it can be very difficult to get my makeup just right. I felt ridiculous, but put on a smile as not to step on anyone's toes. We took a couple of pictures and I showed my friend (who is one of my bridesmaids) and she agreed that I looked horrible.

One of the kits the sister has is bridal make-up, but the sister has no experience in bridal make-up whatsoever. So a month or two ago, his mother and sister come to me and mention that they'd like her to do my make-up as well as everyone else's for the wedding. I didn't want a huge fight, so I just smiled and said we'd talk about it later.

His sister hasn't been able to find a stable job in aesthetics & has actually moved on to another field & there has always seemed to be this underlying current of resentment because they spent all this money on supplies & it didn't get her anywhere. His mother's reasoning is, "She's got this $200 bridal make-up kit that she's never used.." But in my head, as harsh as it may sound, you can have the most expensive make-up kit in the world, but if you don't really know how to apply it, it doesn't work.

So for the past couple of weeks, I've considered hiring a make-up artist to do all of our make-up that day as opposed to the sister doing the make-up. In addition to her lack of experience, it will be extremely chaotic that day as it is & don't want to feel rushed. I'd prefer that we all be able to just sit down and have our make-up done, and relax.

When I mentioned it to the fiance tonight, he simply said, "Nah, that's overboard."

I told him that a lot of brides hire a professional photographer, a hair stylist, AND a makeup artist if they can afford it.

Then he goes on to say 'Well talk it over with mom and my sister and see what they say. If my sister can do it, just let her do it."

I then reminded him that his sister has no experience with bridal make-up & hasn't done make-up in a while. His response: "Just talk to her. If she wants to, let her."

Then I could feel my bridezilla moment surfacing.."Why? Of course she's going to want to. But this isn't about what she wants..this is about what I want."

Him: "Because she wants to help and it'd be nice of her and saves money."

I told him she's my bridesmaid and I can find her something to do if she wants to be involved. I have the money and finally came clean about how I didn't like how she did my make-up last time. He wanted to know what was wrong with it. I explained what I didn't like and he got fed up, as if I were insulting his sister. His final response: "Whatever. Talk it over with mom though."

I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I don't want to compromise my wedding for the sake of making someone else feel better about themselves. I really don't want to be seen as the bridezilla who wants everything a certain way, her way - but I think my concern is justified.

Sorry..this was really long, but I just needed to vent.

This situation sounds so stressful. The above suggestions are all really good. I'll offer one more. Suggest that the youngest sister do the makeup for herself, her Mom and her sister. You can say that it will help out with the timing. In the mean time, hire another makeup artist for yourself and the other bridesmaids if they want. To take it one step further, if you are taking photos before the ceremony, ask the photgrapher to start with photos of the groom and his family, so that they will have to be ready at least 30 minutes earlier than you. And of course you say that the photographer always schedules the groom's family first because everyone knows that it is the bride's big day, so you are not the bad guy! Good luck!

Lisa Horwitz

www.lisahorwitz.com

I want to thank you guys so much for your help and kind words of support. It really means a lot to me and helped me face the facts.

Yesterday, I decided to put my foot down. I was visiting with his family and the wedding came up, and I just went with it. My friend had suggested for the make-up artist issue that I just tell her that a friend has offered to hire a make-up artist for the bridal party as a wedding gift & that it's already been paid for. I went with that one to start out with and then just laid down the line: I'm hiring an extra photographer. (She wanted my fiancee's SIL to take pictures instead.)

I used the "it'd be too stressful and chaotic for people in the wedding to work" excuse and she seemed a bit surprised but didn't say anything (or atleast not yet). She just nodded and went with it. So far, so good.

Thanks again ladies!