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Well, if you need help or advice then just ask for it! They might not realize that you do need help. Plan a girls night where you order pizza, have some drinks, and work on some DIY stuff. But remember they aren't required to do anything except show up clean and sober in the proper attire. So if they can't help then they can't help. I'll agree that it really really sucks, but unfortunately, you can't demand that they be interested or help with stuff.
As far as the shower and bach. party go, I'm not sure how to approach that. They are gifts and I don't think it's appropriate to ask for them, but it would be nice to know if you're having them- especially if other people are asking. Is there someone else who's expressed interest in throwing you a shower? You could ask about a bach. party and say that if they aren't planning one, that's ok and you would like to plan a girls' night before the wedding (but don't call it a bach. party).
@bohdi1018: The things that you want them to do and/or help with; did you disclose your expectations when asking them to be your MOH/BM? Imho I don't think any of this should be mandatory. All they need to do is show up at the wedding. On time of course :)
To answer your questions: 1) kindly ask them if they have spare time to help with DIY—but be prepared to do it on your own—when the time comes. 2) They may be planning a surprise party so relax. 3) I know you‘ve been laid back about things, which is great. I think you should continue to do so. They may not see your wedding as a priority among other things going on in their lives. Take it easy. Remember, this is your day. You can't get upset if someone isn't as gung-ho about it as you. You can only ask for their help—but that's it.
No.
A bridesmaid has one task. To purchase the dress, show up day of clean and sober at the wedding.
Yes, it sucks that they aren't more excited for you, but some people just aren't that into weddings. They don't need to help with DIY stuff. If they offer that's great, but please don't ask them to help, or hold it against them that they say no.
It also stinks that they aren't throwing you pre-wedding parties, but it sounds like they are busy. A lot of women don't have these parties because their bridesmaids, family members or friends are either too busy or can't afford to do so.
If others are asking about shower/bach, then direct them to the bridesmaids first. If the bridesmaids are not planning on having those parties, and someone else wants to, that's great. But you shouldn't be involved with that other than guest list and registry info.
I agree with PPs...your bridemaids' only job is to be there at the wedding, dressed how you asked them to dress, clean and sober. If they help with other stuff, that's great...but its not their job. The DIY stuff is your undertaking, not theirs. You should plan it enough in advance that you can handle it all yourself without forcing them to help. If they want to and offer, fantastic. If not, you can't get mad at them. Bridesmaids aren't servants, they aren't there to pamper you. They are there to stand up next to you at the wedding.
It does suck that they aren't more proactive in throwing you a shower or bach party, but you really can't ask them about it. I think the PPs have good ideas on how to handle this.
I'm sorry they aren't offering to help more, but if they buy the dresses, they are technically fulfilling the duties of being a bridesmaid.
Today there is an attitude that all BMs have to do is show up on the big day. That wasn't always the case. In the past, BMs were expected to help with some of the wedding preparations and at least check with the bride to see if she wanted a shower or party.
@KT808: No, I disagree. That was always the case until the media and wedding industry made it look like the bridal parties lives revolve around the bride.
Both my Mom and FMIL have heard about my experience on wedding boards and how some women think like that (BP helping the bride etc) and we all talked about unrealistic expectations of maids today.
This is my third wedding. I have been a BM in at least a dozen weddings since the 1970s. In our region, BMs were expected to help with things like decorating the reception hall, addressing invites, planning the bridal shower, etc. Until WB, I have never heard of anything different. In fact I brought this topic up at a recent party I attended and EVERY woman there expected her BMs to help out.
Wow I am actually surprised to see that all these PPs say that BM's are not supposed to do anything but show up, I am not saying I disagree, I dont really know I have never been in a wedding, but my MOH has been my best friend for 19 yers and has been in 2 weddings and my BM (I only have one) is my FSIL and she has been in about 6 weddigs, and both have made it clear to me all the responsibilities they will take on, I was surpirsed and still feel gulty asking for help. I never ask FSIL for help because this is her last semester of nursing school. BUt MOH is doing bachlorte party and bridal shower, and has offered to take my DIY projects home and work on them, but don't worry I have not allowed her to do that, I guess in our circle of people it is the norm for BP to take on these responsiblitie, but I definently dont expect it. I just never realized how much these beliefs differ among groups! Interesting! Sorry this post offered no advice!
I think it is common to expect your bridesmaids to help out with the wedding and plan your shower/bachelorette. That being said, unfortunately, it seems like everyone has different ideas on what needs to be done. You can't force your bridesmaids to be involved with your wedding, but you can ask them if they want to help. Hopefully, they will act more interested as your wedding gets closer.
I don't know...I go back & forth in my opinions of bridesmaids. On one hand, I feel guilty wanting anything from my bridesmaids other than to show up and look good (especially since many of them are spending money and taking time off work to be there). On the other hand, these are my nearest and dearest, and I know I would do ANYTHING for them, and it's hurtful when you feel like that's a one sided opinion.
I was exactly where you were after I got engaged. You only get married once, and I wanted the experience of having a shower in my honor and a bachelorette party. I didn't even care if it was a "no gifts" shower, I just really felt like I would regret not having one. My mom is happy I am getting married, but not thrilled that I am doing the traditional festivities (I already have a son and am living with my fiance, she is very conservative), so she will not organize anything (in my circle, it's customary for mom to throw the shower, even though it is often considered "rude" in other circles). I was really bummed. Then, I kept reading on WB how all these women had BMs throwing them showers and planning elaborate bachelorette parties, and my feelings were hurt (I know you can't compare yourself to others, but it's human nature. It is what it is).
I shared this with my fiance, and he pointed out that my BMs aren't mind readers. Yes, it's rude to ask for a party thrown in your honor, but these are your CLOSEST friends, surely you can share your feelings with them (in a nice, non bridezilla way). To my surprise, conversations about the shower came up organically, with one of my BMs asking when mine would be. I told her the truth, it was a bummer, but no one was throwing one. To my surprise, she was shocked and offered immediately to throw me one. It just hadn't occured to her, and she thought I didn't want one or someone else in my family was throwing it. Right now, she and my other 4 BMs are organizing my shower in April.
Something similar went down for my bachelorette, everyone had just assumed everyone else was throwing it. I was honest when the time came to talk about it, not demanding, but just speaking from the heart. I wanted these parties, I understand that they cost money, etc, and would understand if it can't happen, but I would like to have one. Again, they're my closest friends and want to share in my special days, so they were happy to plan that as well.
Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren't mind readers. Yes, it's rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can't tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can't oblige, or don't want to, then you have to be understanding of that.
And your responsibility, as bride, is to be just as good of a friend to these girls as they are to you. It sounds like you're already trying to respect them by letting them pick their own clothes (I'm doing this too). Just make sure you keep other things in mind and are sensitive to their limitations. For instance, I offered to be in town for my shower the Saturday before Easter so that all my OOT BMs/friends will already be in town visiting family for the holiday- no extra travel. I also suggested we have my bachelorette the Friday before my Sunday wedding. Again, no travel for the OOTers. Finally, I'm trying to make them comfortable during my wedding weekend by paying for as much food/accomodations/activities as possible so that they are not more financially stressed.
Good luck :)
I don't know...I go back & forth in my opinions of bridesmaids. On one hand, I feel guilty wanting anything from my bridesmaids other than to show up and look good (especially since many of them are spending money and taking time off work to be there). On the other hand, these are my nearest and dearest, and I know I would do ANYTHING for them, and it's hurtful when you feel like that's a one sided opinion.
I was exactly where you were after I got engaged. You only get married once, and I wanted the experience of having a shower in my honor and a bachelorette party. I didn't even care if it was a "no gifts" shower, I just really felt like I would regret not having one. My mom is happy I am getting married, but not thrilled that I am doing the traditional festivities (I already have a son and am living with my fiance, she is very conservative), so she will not organize anything (in my circle, it's customary for mom to throw the shower, even though it is often considered "rude" in other circles). I was really bummed. Then, I kept reading on WB how all these women had BMs throwing them showers and planning elaborate bachelorette parties, and my feelings were hurt (I know you can't compare yourself to others, but it's human nature. It is what it is).
I shared this with my fiance, and he pointed out that my BMs aren't mind readers. Yes, it's rude to ask for a party thrown in your honor, but these are your CLOSEST friends, surely you can share your feelings with them (in a nice, non bridezilla way). To my surprise, conversations about the shower came up organically, with one of my BMs asking when mine would be. I told her the truth, it was a bummer, but no one was throwing one. To my surprise, she was shocked and offered immediately to throw me one. It just hadn't occured to her, and she thought I didn't want one or someone else in my family was throwing it. Right now, she and my other 4 BMs are organizing my shower in April.
Something similar went down for my bachelorette, everyone had just assumed everyone else was throwing it. I was honest when the time came to talk about it, not demanding, but just speaking from the heart. I wanted these parties, I understand that they cost money, etc, and would understand if it can't happen, but I would like to have one. Again, they're my closest friends and want to share in my special days, so they were happy to plan that as well.
Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren't mind readers. Yes, it's rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can't tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can't oblige, or don't want to, then you have to be understanding of that.
And your responsibility, as bride, is to be just as good of a friend to these girls as they are to you. It sounds like you're already trying to respect them by letting them pick their own clothes (I'm doing this too). Just make sure you keep other things in mind and are sensitive to their limitations. For instance, I offered to be in town for my shower the Saturday before Easter so that all my OOT BMs/friends will already be in town visiting family for the holiday- no extra travel. I also suggested we have my bachelorette the Friday before my Sunday wedding. Again, no travel for the OOTers. Finally, I'm trying to make them comfortable during my wedding weekend by paying for as much food/accomodations/activities as possible so that they are not more financially stressed.
Good luck :)
@KT808: It's also not just WB, the ladies on The Knot will tell you the exact same thing - BMs aren't required to help plan the wedding or throw parties. Now granted, most BMs do want to help out and will. But that doesn't mean they have to.
@les105: Anyway, my point is, your BMs aren't mind readers. Yes, it's rude to ASK for parties, but, if you can't tell them how you feel about the situation, then who can you tell? These are the people that are supposed to be there for you no matter what. And, if they can't oblige, or don't want to, then you have to be understanding of that.
This is also pretty good advice!
I did the "any black dress" thing with my bridesmaids. Now that we are like 3 months out, I sent an email saying that I was getting really excited and wanted to see their picks. They all sent me shoes, dresses, all kinds of things...and asked what I thought. I loved everything and told them so. Then they asked me if I needed anything...I don't right now...but I think they were waiting on me to say something!
KT perhaps it is a regional thing. But would you have held it against a bridesmaid who couldn't make it to the pre-wedding parties, bridesmaid GTGs for dress-hunting, or help plan the wedding?
I think that it is the bridesmaids responsibility to do more then just "show up" but at the same time I think brides have to keep in mind that it is not a bridesmaids job to have their lives revolve around the wedding. Be proactive in what you want if you want something more then people who just show up. If you want a shower, bring it up to your maid of honor and if you want a bachelorette party bring it up as well. Your wedding is also 3 and a half months away, maybe those things are a surprise? If you want help with one thing or another ask because they have lives and aren't always readily going to give up their time with family/ homework/ work to help compile invites or put together centerpieces. Just some things to think about but all in all I think you should just keep communication open.
I am feeling your pain! I have three bridesmaids: my sister, a childhood friend I've remained close with throughout my entire life, and my roommate from college. My sister is throwing the bridal shower and is making quite a nice affair. But none of the other girls have offerred to help or have even really been in touch with me at all about the wedding (which is about 6 months out). My sister said she's not going to do the bachelorette party too since she's working on the bridal shower solo, which I agree is totally fair.
Well, the childhood friend bridesmaid is a bridesmaid in another wedding that is just 2 months before mine. And this week I just got an invitation to her bachelorette, which includes a limo into NYC and a party at a club. Really?
Needless to say I'm feeling a little jealous. My wedding is only a couple months after this other friends but this bridesmaid hasn't mentioned anything. I can't even get her to commit to a date to go dress shopping!
It may be tacky, but I'm just going to say "My sister was wondering what the deal was for the bachelorette, Can you maybe email her at ____ and let her know the plan?"
I am feeling your pain! I have three bridesmaids: my sister, a childhood friend I've remained close with throughout my entire life, and my roommate from college. My sister is throwing the bridal shower and is making quite a nice affair. But none of the other girls have offerred to help or have even really been in touch with me at all about the wedding (which is about 6 months out). My sister said she's not going to do the bachelorette party too since she's working on the bridal shower solo, which I agree is totally fair.
Well, the childhood friend bridesmaid is a bridesmaid in another wedding that is just 2 months before mine. And this week I just got an invitation to her bachelorette, which includes a limo into NYC and a party at a club. Really?
Needless to say I'm feeling a little jealous. My wedding is only a couple months after this other friends but this bridesmaid hasn't mentioned anything. I can't even get her to commit to a date to go dress shopping!
It may be tacky, but I'm just going to say "My sister was wondering what the deal was for the bachelorette, Can you maybe email her at ____ and let her know the plan?"
i think that when you come to choosing your bridesmaid, you should choose someone that will understand all the wedding stress and pressure that a bride goes through!
at my wedding i made a big mistake choosing my bridesmaid.. I only had one!
i got her dress, did her hair, make-up .. she never offered any help with anything!!
she didn't even bother helping with any ideas, no bridal shower, bach party, she didn't even offer any support.
Now Iam going to be a bridesmaid in july... Iam so excited about the thought, Iam offering as much help as i can, i went with the bride to choose her dress, iam planning the hen's night, the bridal shower... we are always together talking about the big day!
i dont think its a good idea for you to go asking them for help, coz if they really wanted to help they would offer the help!!
Wow you this post is making me appreciate my MOH even more than
i already did! I keep joking with her that I am getting her a MOH trophy lol!
I didn't read the other comments but here is what I think.
Your wedding party has duties. They can be small or they can be large. Depending on what they can handle. I don't think your wedding party is just there to look pretty. They are supposed to be there to offer support and assistance, when needed.
It is okay to assume that they should want to help. Maybe you just have to ask. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "hey guys, I need help. Can you help?" because, again, they are supposed to be there for you.
I'm not 100% sure how to comment on the bridal shower and bachelorette thing and I don't think Brides should throw their own showers but... I've seen it done.
I know you're getting a lot of mixed responses but i truly hope you get through this and I hope your Bridal party will hop on board and give you the support you need and deserve
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Ok, maybe they don't suck, but they sure aren't acting like they care. The wedding is in 3.5 months. I have 4 bridesmaids...moh is my sister, one is my 19 yr old niece, one is my fh sis in law, and another is a friend but more importantly the wife of a very good friend of me and the fh. Anyways...I've been in so many weddings and had to but expensive ugly dresses. So I told them all to just buy a nice black dress, even something they had in their closet. Not one of them has come to me to offer any help or advice. Nobody has mentioned a bachelorette party or bridal shower. I get it...life is busy...my sis is in the middle of moving and buying a house with her new husband, my niece goes to college, one is a teacher, and the other is busy working and being a mom. But, c'mon!?!?! My FH groomsmen are planning a great bachelor party for him in Atlantic City and I'm getting a little envious. Also, I know that when the time comes that I will need help with DIY centerpeices and favors I'm doing. I'm understanding and laid back, but this is getting a little ridiculous! How do I get them interested or how do I even approach them with my concerns?