- 6 years ago
I don’t know where else to turn so I am writing here. Please reply if you like, but I am mostly writing because I need to just get this out. Sometimes I am not sure if I want to live. (Please note that this is not a suicide threat; more just an expression of the feeling of hopelessness I am consumed by.) On the outside, I look like I have a pretty decent life. A loving boyfriend (but we have had issues here and there), a good job, a Master’s degree, good friends. But on the inside I quite frankly hate myself. And here’s why – I think I am ugly. I am sharing this here because I am afraid that if I tell people in real life they will think I am simply fishing for compliments. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Compliments do nothing for me anyway; I never believe them. My boyfriend constantly tells me how beautiful, sexy, blah blah blah he thinks I am but I. Do. Not. See. It. when I look in the mirror. I have felt this way about myself since I was about 11. I am now in my 30s and it hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will and this depresses me and makes me feel utterly helpless. I feel that if I had the face of someone beauitful (my issue is more with my face than my body, although I do have body insecurities, too) life would be so much better because I might actually like myself. I have scoured the Internet to 1) see if there are others out there like me (apparently there are plenlty – those who suffer from Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and 2) what to do to help get better. I have been in therapy before but it didn’t help much. It makes my boyfriend miserable because this issue affects almost every aspect of our relationship. Sex suffers because I rarely feel sexy or attractive. If he mentions another woman I immediately assume she is gorgeous. It’s pathetic, Bees, and I don’t know what to do. I hate my face so much that I often cry in front of the mirror. I have attempted suicide in the past because of this and I don’t intend on attempting it again, but sometimes I wish something would happen – like a car accident – in which I can be put out of my misery.