UK bees only: do you think it's rude to invite only one member of a couple?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t think this is a cultural thing. It’s a social function, you invite the social unit. Why wouldn’t you? How are people supposed to meet their friends’ significant others if you don’t invite them places?

Post # 3
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

PenguinLove:  I think a lot depends on the context in which you know them.  Certainly relations I would invite couples but I have two groups of friends one that I used to work with and one that are the mums of my sons friends.  We socialise just as ‘girls’ never with the men and I will be inviting them without their partners coz their partners simply wouldn’t want to come.

similarly my FI is inviting his cycling buddies without their wives cos they will come as a bunch.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Koalaclark.
Post # 5
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I just think it’s a strange idea to ask people to come and celebrate your relationship while at the same time basically dismissing theirs.

Post # 6
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

PenguinLove:  I’m with you on this one, Our attitude is that if we both haven’t met them & they’re not family then they aren’t getting an invite. we don’t want to look back at photos and wonder who this person is. Example my cousin has had a few different boyfriends the last year- she’s single at the moment but if she does get a new partner then he isn’t invited. X

Post # 7
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

sarals24:  I don’t think she’s dismissing anyone. I’m not keen on the idea of meeting a stranger at my wedding, I know other people do this but it’s not for us. X

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yes, but if the stranger is their fiance or husband, that’s different than just a random date. I am assuming that’s what the OP meant by “other half of a couple”. That’s just rude any way you slice it. If the partner in question doesn’t feel comfortable coming, they will decline. 

So I am going to one of my best friend’s weddings in a few months, she lives abroad and hasn’t been home in a few years. She couldn’t make it to my wedding because she’s in the Peace Corps. So she hasn’t met my husband. Does this mean that my husband shouldn’t be invited to her wedding with me? That’s ridiculous.

Post # 9
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Also, and here’s a shocking idea, your GUESTS’ comfort, not only your own, should be taken into consideration. Most people get married or engaged because they genuinely like spending time with their partner. I would not attend a wedding that my husband wasn’t invited to. If he didn’t want to go or couldn’t make it, that’s fine. But if he wasn’t invited? Nope, that’s just rude.

Post # 10
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

PenguinLove: I don’t know what the official rules are so can only tell you what we are doing at our UK wedding… we are having a small family and close friends only wedding and have a lot of friends with partners. Only one of my friends is married and she also won’t know anyone else there so we have invited her husband to the whole thing. The rest of them we have invited the friend only to the ceremony and afternoon wedding breakfast but are inviting their partners to the evening bit. No one has had any problems with this so far.

Post # 12
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

PenguinLove:  As a person who likes to think they are more than half of a “Mr & Ms” set I agree in theory, but have been informed that in practice just because it works logically doesn’t make it true. Sadness. That said, if you’re having a very small ‘do’ why not contact the people concerned and see how they feel? The grumpy judgement of the Internet is hardly relevant if your friends (the ones you plan on inviting *gasp* as individuals) don’t give a shit. There’s a very real possibility that ‘the girls’ will appreciate a night out together and their husbands may be breathing a sigh of relief at not having to attend yet another wedding.

Post # 14
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

PenguinLove:  I am merely offering a citation to a well-known UK etiquette authority (which may or may not be my own viewpoint–as my personal viewpoint was not solicited, I did not offer it) to try and help you answer your question as to whether or not this is a localized matter.  At least where etiquette authorities are concerned, the answer appears to be “no.”  I’m so sorry if this is not what you wished to hear.

Post # 15
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

My fiancé is Scottish and I’ve been invited by name to many English and Scottish weddings despite barely knowing the couple myself. They may be “his” friends more than mine but social functions (anything from a casual dinner out/night on the town all the way to weddings) give a chance for me to get to know his side of the circle.  Even if I don’t spend much time with the bride or groom, I am able to meet their families and other loved ones (and I frequently end up as center of attention because I’m new to the group, and I have the funny accent over there). That helps the long term relationships grow. It also tells me as a guest that the couple values my fiance’s friendship and respects his relationship with me, because they’ve chosen to include me rather than exclude me. My fiancé feels very much the same when it comes to making our own guest list— that it’s rude to leave someone’s partner excluded—- and he is genuinely grateful and happy when we are invited as a couple to a wedding of one of “my” friends who may not know him well.

I think everyone gets it— people are trying to cut costs wherever possible and want to control their catering bill— but when you drop the invited person’s partner from the invite, you’re basically saying “I’d rather save a hundred quid than invest in our long term relationship.” As for seeing unfamiliar faces in photos, well, that’s just silly. Firstly, you’re not going to look at those photos every single day and even if you do, Uncle Cliff’s new wife won’t be in every single photo.  Plus you’ve got no way of knowing on that day if Uncle Cliff’s new wife won’t turn out to be someone you love very much a few years down the road and you might end up loving that photo of the day you first met her.

 

we attended a wedding in Scotland 2 years ago; I’d met the bride and groom exactly once before the wedding but I was invited as my fiance’s partner (we were not even engaged at that point). I had a fantastic time meeting all his friends, and the bride’s family. I didn’t spend much time with the bride and groom because they were so busy, but I did at least chat a bit. The bride mentioned where they were honeymooning and it was a city I know well, so I sent her a Facebook message later tact weekend with some restaurant suggestions. We kept in loose contact since their wedding, and when they came to the States for a vacation they spent a few nights with us. So I now consider them good friends, but I doubt we would have grown our friendship as quickly if I hadn’t been invited to their wedding.

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