Ultimatum Advice

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Tell him your life plans: “I would love to be married and have a baby by the age of “insert age here” so that means that a proposal should happen by “insert date here” so we would have enought time to plan, enjoy married life and then try to concieve.

Some ladies here would cringe at the thought of a walk date but I do not believe that you should stay in a relationship that is not conducive to your own goals. You want marriage and kids. Why be with someone who is not even sure if they want the same.

In the end I would say not to lay it on him too tough. Just as you said, he has been through a lot especially when it comes to marriage.

If you still get the same reply by a time that you’ve set in your head, move out but do not break up with him.

I wish you the best!!

Post # 4
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@tiff-tiff-tiff:  I do not believe that you should stay in a relationship that is not conducive to your own goals. You want marriage and kids. Why be with someone who is not even sure if they want the same.

-THIS!

Post # 5
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Honestly I think what you wrote here could also be said to your SO…not all of it, but certainly some of it.  It’s honestly, factual, and not attacking or mean.  It lays out your concerns, your wants, etc, in a very logical and calm manner. 

Some women will tell you not to set a walk date/ultimatum, but you know what is right for you.  You’ve already moved for this guy and you are basically an ‘acting wife’ without the title and commitment.  It isn’t fair to you.  You’ve been living together for 15 months!  That is certainly long enough to determine if living together is working and whether or not a ring should be coming along soon.  I think you deserve an answer.  Maybe talk to him about your feelings/concerns and if he doesn’t give you a timeline for engagement, then YOU give HIM one.

Just a thought.  I wish you much luck!

Post # 6
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@dianaross:  I cant even imagine what you are going through. I lived with my DH before we were engaged for 2 years and I didnt even have to move out of state…but I felt similar to you. 

When was the last time you talked about marriage together?

I think the best thing is to have a serious talk about marriage, and ask him his thoughts on it.  Express how important it is to you.  If he says he doesnt want to ever get married – move out and move on.   If its meant to be its meant to be.  If he says he wants to marry you – try to find out his “before proposal” goals hes set for himself.

Post # 7
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would just lay it on the table:  Tell him you want to get married and start a family, and would love to do it with him, but if that’s not going to happen to let you know immediately so you can move on with your life and fulfill your goals.  There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

Post # 8
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I would just lay it all out for him as you do here. You moved to be with him, and for all intents and purposes, you’re his wife.

This isn’t one of those situations where waiting longer will magically solve things, IMO. Clearly his mind is on starting his business, and buying himself expensive things.

I am not a big fan of ultimatums so maybe if he doesn’t rush to say YES I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU when you lay it out for him, you should walk. If you give him time to decide when he already has lived with you for this length of time, I think he’ll just be trying to convince himself it could work. You want a man who willingly marries you without any threats.

Post # 9
Member
3978 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah, this is a me-matum, not an ultamatum. It’s saying, here, this is my life plan. WHere do I fit in yours? This is how I had to go about it with FI. He just wasn’t thinking beyond the next week!! 

Post # 10
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

“But, I think that if a man tells you that he needs to live together as a step toward marriage, and he tells you that you don’t need to worry about money, that that is a further indication that he intends on marrying you, right?? “

@dianaross: No. Did he say that he would propose within x months after living together? If not, as you phrased it, living together as a step toward marriage is not the same as saying he would definitely marry you after living together. Not worrying about money, well that’s not necessarily an indication that he wants to take care of you financially as his wife. A man could easily say the same to a mistress, right? I agree that you need to talk to him about all this. You’ve already done more than enough for him yet he has given nothing to you in return except words without the actions to back it up. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@dianaross:  Talk to him. Ask him how he feels. That isn’t pressure just having an open and honest relationship. You need to sit him down and ask how he feels about marraige, what are his plans. Listen to him and then explain how you feel. Let him talk first because then you won’t be giving him answers and get more of a read on his feelings.

Post # 14
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

Expressing your concerns, expectations and projects for the future is not an ultimatum. You have to start there. But never tell him ”it has to be done by *this date* or else …”, that is just the wrong way to go. 

Who knows what a good, open-hearted conversation about this could lead you ? But just take time to discuss together and listen to each other’s goals and points of view for a start. I do believe everything can be said, it’s all in the manner of saying it. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you are within your rights of saying how you feel and may be the one to walk away if he doesn’t feel there is a future with you.

I don’t like putting an ultimatum on it as others pointed out but I think he’s stringing you along.

I also refused to move, live with anyone before I was married. I’m glad I stuck to my decision and now have the most amazing FI who shares those same values 🙂

 

Best of luck!

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