(Closed) Ultimatum: have no one in my family come or have a family feud

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry that you are going through this.

If I were in your situation, as hard as it might be, I would invite everyone except your mom, unless you can set boundaries with her and let her know that it doesn’t matter what she thinks. This is your wedding and you have to make it clear to her that if she does start someone, you will have someone escort her out of the ceremony/reception. From what you have written, it doesn’t seem like it would be a great loss not to have her there. I know it is hard and I know it hurts, but sometimes we have to make decisions that will benefit the majority.

Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have to agree with Noritake, unfortunately. 🙁

Otherwise, if you want to invite them all/both, is there someone who you can ask to keep an eye on your mom? Or would you consider hiring private security to sit with her? Just someone to keep her away from too much alcohol (just because it always makes everything else worse) and keep her restrained if she gets out of hand. Like a babysitter.

Post # 5
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

(((((BIG HUGS))))))

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with situations and people like that during this time.  It’s truly unfortunate that sometimes people can’t put aside their own toxic wants and needs to be there for someone else.  But that says a lot about THEM, not you.

I think Noritake’s advice is probably for the best.  If you choose that path, I’d probably try to assign someone to “mom watch” in case she trys to crash the party.

Make yourself happy, and do what you need to do to be happy!

Post # 6
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with noritake. And I feel your pain. My oldest sister is not invited to my wedding. The last time I saw her was at my mother’s funeral. When she was young, my sister was a complete hellion. She did all sorts of drugs, stole from our relatives, and eloped to California when she was 17. My mom did everything she could, and was on the brink of sending her to boarding school right before she left for CA. Quite frankly, I don’t know that anyone could have controlled my sister, no matter what they did. My sister got so drunk that she started criticizing mom’s parenting techniques AT HER WAKE, saying that she would have developed into a much better person had mom known how to discipline her. And that the only reason she’d had any success was despite mom’s failure as a parent. My cousin and I had to physically restrain my middle sister, but I still wonder if we shouldn’t have bothered restraining her.

Post # 7
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree as well. I wouldn’t punish yourself and your family for your mother’s immaturity. I would invite your family and leave her out. It’s an all around sucky situation, but it sounds like she’s been pretty mean and unsupportive to you.

Post # 9
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@noritake22: Agreed. 🙁 It’s a sad situation…stay strong, OP.

Post # 10
6 posts
  • Wedding: October 2010

He supports her, he has told me repeatedly that when she goes, he’s gone from my life.  He only cares about me because she cares about me.  He’s a nice man when he wants to be….


Anyone who would tell you that the only reason they care about you by proxy, because someone else cares about you, is not very nice, no matter how you cut it.  And for him to remind you repeatedly that he doesn’t really care about you, only because your mom is around, is pretty emotionally abusive.  Which, considering the situation with your mom, sounds like the two of them, at least, have found their soulmate in each other.


If I were you, I would forget the the two of them, and invite your stepdad’s family and blood relatives.  If they care about you, they will show up whether your stepdad is there or not.  Or, like suggested above, hire a “mom babysitter” who can be there to hustle her out if she shows signs of acting up.  Should be relatively cheap to hire someone off of craigslist.

Post # 11
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I just wanted to add that I think Deerstalker is right.  My father won’t be invited to my wedding due to his treatment of myself and my mom/siblings. Some of his family members fully support my decision and don’t have contact with him either. Those that do still talk to him have agreed to not share the details of my wedding date/location/etc with him out of respect for me and my family, and that they are excited for my day even though the family situation is difficult. You may really be surprised by the reactions of your mom’s/stepdad’s family.

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