Post # 1
My mom has become increasingly childish and unreasonable. I’ve already asked that she not pay for the wedding because of her outragious behavior and I’ve also made a rule to never speak to her about the wedding progress. Any little thing I mention is shot down or I’m called a wonderfully nasty name (wh*re, irresponsible, cheap, tacky, idiot, and the like). But I did need addresses from her (so I thought). She toddled along with getting them after I told her about it in August and reminded her again 2 weeks ago about the Labor Day deadline. And, after being half a week late, I called her up and she’s blowing a paycheck at a casino– and hasn’t even begun asking for addresses.
I was so fed up that I sent out a facebook message to all my relatives asking for the addresses myself. My facebook addicted cousins (it’s ok, I’m an addict too) come to rescue and I get everyone’s addresses in 3 hours. I probably should have done this in the first place but I thought a phone call from my parents would be more proper and nice. Oh well, it’s done.
Anyways, I’ve been telling my mom ever since I’ve been engaged that I’m inviting her family– my family. I’ve already received the addresses for my stepdad’s family but I want her family there too. She is livid. She didn’t want any of her family (my family) to be there because she is still upset over the fact that they never call her or invite her to any family functions. Nevermind the fact that she is on the east coast and her family is on the west coast and by the time anyone over there would have time to sit down and talk with her, she would probably be headed to bed. “Oh but my mom would call me!” Grandma was a housewife like her so she had time during the day to talk with her.. all her siblings work outside the home. And even my cousin was icredulous that they would even consider inviting her over for a family bbq or whatever our family would have scheduled.
But my mom is unmoved. She told me if I invite my aunts and uncles, she will slap them. She will make a scene and hates them because they are unclassy and mean (yeah, give that one a thought…). So what do I do? I was on the phone crying with my cousin, one of the few friends I grew up with as a child and she won’t be there to celebrate with me at my wedding. I will look across the room and besides my mom, I won’t see anyone who I’m actually related to. It will hardly feel like a family function if most of my family, who will only be 2 hours away, can’t come. How can I convince my mom to not fight with my family and let my family come. Or should I just drop the issue and let her win for the sake of physically protecting my family?
Post # 3
I am sorry that you are going through this.
If I were in your situation, as hard as it might be, I would invite everyone except your mom, unless you can set boundaries with her and let her know that it doesn’t matter what she thinks. This is your wedding and you have to make it clear to her that if she does start someone, you will have someone escort her out of the ceremony/reception. From what you have written, it doesn’t seem like it would be a great loss not to have her there. I know it is hard and I know it hurts, but sometimes we have to make decisions that will benefit the majority.
Post # 4
I have to agree with Noritake, unfortunately. 🙁
Otherwise, if you want to invite them all/both, is there someone who you can ask to keep an eye on your mom? Or would you consider hiring private security to sit with her? Just someone to keep her away from too much alcohol (just because it always makes everything else worse) and keep her restrained if she gets out of hand. Like a babysitter.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with situations and people like that during this time. It’s truly unfortunate that sometimes people can’t put aside their own toxic wants and needs to be there for someone else. But that says a lot about THEM, not you.
I think Noritake’s advice is probably for the best. If you choose that path, I’d probably try to assign someone to “mom watch” in case she trys to crash the party.
Make yourself happy, and do what you need to do to be happy!
Post # 6
I agree with noritake. And I feel your pain. My oldest sister is not invited to my wedding. The last time I saw her was at my mother’s funeral. When she was young, my sister was a complete hellion. She did all sorts of drugs, stole from our relatives, and eloped to California when she was 17. My mom did everything she could, and was on the brink of sending her to boarding school right before she left for CA. Quite frankly, I don’t know that anyone could have controlled my sister, no matter what they did. My sister got so drunk that she started criticizing mom’s parenting techniques AT HER WAKE, saying that she would have developed into a much better person had mom known how to discipline her. And that the only reason she’d had any success was despite mom’s failure as a parent. My cousin and I had to physically restrain my middle sister, but I still wonder if we shouldn’t have bothered restraining her.
Post # 7
I agree as well. I wouldn’t punish yourself and your family for your mother’s immaturity. I would invite your family and leave her out. It’s an all around sucky situation, but it sounds like she’s been pretty mean and unsupportive to you.
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice! I just don’t know if I could do that. If I don’t invite her (believe me, I’ve been thinking about it), I know my stepdad won’t come. He supports her, he has told me repeatedly that when she goes, he’s gone from my life. He only cares about me because she cares about me. He’s a nice man when he wants to be and if he doesn’t go, then his family won’t come. I really want them to come because they consider me family and I consider them the same too. I just have this picture that if I uninvite my mom, then he won’t come, they won’t come, most of my mom’s family may not come, who knows. And then I’ll be standing up there and there will be no one there for me on my family’s side. I know it might be irrational but it’s all I can see right now.
Post # 9
@noritake22: Agreed. 🙁 It’s a sad situation…stay strong, OP.
Post # 10
He supports her, he has told me repeatedly that when she goes, he’s gone from my life. He only cares about me because she cares about me. He’s a nice man when he wants to be….
Anyone who would tell you that the only reason they care about you by proxy, because someone else cares about you, is not very nice, no matter how you cut it. And for him to remind you repeatedly that he doesn’t really care about you, only because your mom is around, is pretty emotionally abusive. Which, considering the situation with your mom, sounds like the two of them, at least, have found their soulmate in each other.
If I were you, I would forget the the two of them, and invite your stepdad’s family and blood relatives. If they care about you, they will show up whether your stepdad is there or not. Or, like suggested above, hire a “mom babysitter” who can be there to hustle her out if she shows signs of acting up. Should be relatively cheap to hire someone off of craigslist.
Post # 11
I just wanted to add that I think Deerstalker is right. My father won’t be invited to my wedding due to his treatment of myself and my mom/siblings. Some of his family members fully support my decision and don’t have contact with him either. Those that do still talk to him have agreed to not share the details of my wedding date/location/etc with him out of respect for me and my family, and that they are excited for my day even though the family situation is difficult. You may really be surprised by the reactions of your mom’s/stepdad’s family.