Post # 1
I’ve read a lot of the posts on giving an ultimatum and know there are mixed opinions. I just thought I would post about my personal story for some support and other perspectives. My story seems way too long to type the whole thing but we’ve been dating 8 years (yes that’s right!). I’m in my mid-thirties and we both want children. He has a ring (for 2 years at least), has been promising it’s coming soon for the last 2 years. We’ve talked about our vision of wedding and family countless times and how much he loves me, etc. He of course admitted that though he certainly struggled with the proposal he is excited to be married to me. His parents had a terrible divorce and I do know that is in part a contributing factor but he’s an adult and can decide to move past those fears or not, in my opinion.
Basically, he recently promised he would propose this summer and though I know it’s technically not over for 2 more weeks I just couldn’t handle it anymore. There have been so many missed ‘deadlines’ (that HE imposed not me) and missed opportunities, I just started to feel like if it was so hard mabye there’s something deeper wrong? We’ve talked the issue to death so many times and I’m just so tired. I want a family and I’ve spent so long with him assuming it would move forward based on everything we planned…together, I am too afraid to let things continue on this path. I don’t doubt he loves me and wants to be with me but it was just hurting too much. I’m doing surprisingly okay so far, which was another sign it was time to step back. The hard part is of course we haven’t talked in 3 days so as hard as it is it seems he is taking me seriously. We had been long distance the past year due to his work so it made the immediate part easier but the weekend is going to be tough (he comes home every weekend). we had planned our life and everything and know Im just so confused.
Thoughts and support from others who have been through this or just have new advice to offer?
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Post # 2
I haven’t been through this but I just wanted to offer my support. It makes absolutely no sense to have had the ring for two years and still be waiting. I would even go so far as to say that perhaps he needs to talk to a professional about this, it just seems to have a deeper issue at the heart of it. Or, if it really is just the proposal itself that is freaking him out, there are now companies you can hire to help plan and execute the proposal.
I think you are doing the right thing by pulling back, he has to know that you can’t be taken for granted like this. It’s been long enough, he knows exactly what has to happen and has the means to do so – passing deadlines willy nilly is awful and hurtful and disrespectful to you time, life is short! He’s just stolen 2 years of your life, made it stagnant for no apparent reason. You could have been married by now and close to TTC. Instead, you are still waiting. I’m angry for you to be honest and I hope this knocks some sense into him.
Post # 3
You did the right thing. I agree with the PP, two years and still waiting… seems a bit “off,” and I would definitely be pulling back.
Post # 4
I never know what to say, really, in these situations becuase how can anyone know the quality of your relationship?
But I completely support you at knowing what you want out of life and understanding that you have to make that happen. If your standard for parenting is that your children’s father will be married to you (and I agree with that one!) then yes–at some point you have to move on from this man if you wish to be a mom.
Post # 5
Thanks to all of you for your support. It is obviously not easy but everything you said was right. My standard is being married before children, that is something he and I agreed on years ago. I’m just trying to focus on me and what I need to do to move forward and not focus on would/could/should. I was always open and honest about what I wanted and when and he clearly has deeper issues that he needs to resolve without me.
Post # 6
I know how you feel. My SO and I took a hiatus recently (his doing,not mine) and before that, I never knew it was going to happen. Just waiting, hinting, wishing I knew it would happen someday. If were together that long and I dont see a rock, I’d have left beforehand. It’s going to be about 5 years together before I’m finished school this fall, and if I dont hear a peep about wedding things I might cry.
You did the right thing. Hugs, and well wishes your way! 🙂
Post # 7
I’m literally living this too- we’ve dated 5 years, been through military life long distance and everything. A few weeks ago i finally just had it out with him and laid my cards on the table. I said to him “I have always known a certain direction I want my life to go; and I really want you part of it. And if you’re not ready to commit to marrying me, I want you to take all the time you need. But what you need to know is that you cannot have me all to yourself while you make up your mind. So I’m going to spend more ‘me’ time and really look at things.”
I think that shocked him enough for him to consider what his life would look like without me.
We did go and pick out a ring together and he hasn’t proposed yet but he’s talked to my dad. I’ve already explained that he cannot let me hang out and wait because the anxiety will kill me. I think he gets it.
Try explaining to him that he’s being selfish and if he’s not ready – then guess what? YOU go be selfish and spoil the shit out of yourself. Have fun without him! Go get waxed and walk around nude in your house if that’s your thing! Do stuff that makes you happy and makes him realize you can still be happy without him. He’ll only want to keep you happy by giving you what you truly want – which is a life with him!
Good luck- please keep us posted xox
Post # 8
To be honest, I feel like you should have got him into couples counselling years ago – preferably when he first confessed that he had reservations and issues around marriage. It can take a long time for someone to work through these kinds of hangups, and ideally you want it to be in a safe space like counselling rather than through an ultimatum.
However that being said, I think you made the right decision to walk away. After 8 years together and two years with the ring, it is hugely unfair for him to expect you to wait any longer.
Post # 9
LucaM78: Wondering how you are doing?
Post # 10
hey Luca. I totallyunderstand your frustration, and I do not blame you one bit for feeling this way. I would be suspicious too and pull back. It is hard because there just isn’t as much on the line for men in terms of a timeline or family. I hope you are doing okay, and I just wanted to offer my support for your decision. You sound very level headed and PATIENT!! I have been waiting for over four years now…so I really empathize and I am so sorry you have to hurt like this. Please keep your head up! <3 <3 love your way!
Post # 11
Hey I haven’t had this situation but I just wanted to tell you that you did the right thing, even though the next little while is going to be a little tough. Best of luck to you girl, be strong and know you worth!
Post # 12
When someone loves you, they consider your needs before their own. Here’s a guy who knows what would make you happy and could very easily make you happy today, but he isn’t doing that for whatever reason. Do you want to spend your life with someone like this? Always waiting on them?
You’ve been in this for 8 years and he could be asking himself why he even needs to go through the formality of marriage when you’ve been there for him for so long and probably always will be. I think taking a step back is a great thing to do. If your partner of 8 years is making you this unsettled, then that tells you something right there. Focus on your own needs and happiness and try to fulfill yourself without him for a while. Your life is truly your own and isn’t worth compromising for anyone. You’ve given this guy enough of your valuable time, love and attention.
I’m also in limbo waiting for my long distance bf (of a year and half to propose) and it sucks.