Weddingbee boards

I think that your colleague's ex was definitely in the right to break up with him. I would understand waiting if they were younger, but first of all 9 years is a long time, and secondly 28 is a reasonable age to get and expect to get married. I think that your colleague had to step up to the plate and he didn't. And, he shouldn't use having to support "his wife" as an excuse, bc they both could have worked and being a married couple doesn't cost anymore than being a couple, other than paying for the wedding of course. Your male friend's problem was that of committment, not one of having financial difficulties.

I think she did the right thing.  To say you can't afford a wife, after you've spend 9 years together, and clearly you could afford being together for 9 years, it seems like it's just an excuse for not wanting to commit.  I don't understand how you can say you can't afford a wife unless she doesn't work, but if she's been taking care of herself for 9 years, then that's rediculous.  Even if he was affraid a wedding would cost to much he could say we have to have a simple wedding, we need to make it a two year engagment to save up, anything really to say he wants the marriage, but it's really the funds that he's worried about.  She did the right thing, something else is going on here.

9 years?! Wow, that's a long time. Although they are still relatively young (28 years), I can see why she was getting antsy for him to make a commitment. I don't think she was out of line to press the subject. Is an ultimatum always the best way to go about this? Probably not. But, I can understand her position. And in the end, he was willing to let her go. So maybe it wasn't meant to be?

This is a secret few know...I gave Mr. G an ultimatum! Quite frankly, he was heading toward his late twenties and a mess in terms of career, long term goals, etc. He had moments of maturity, but at other times he was like a big kid. I told him, shape up or ship out. He shaped up very quickly and we've never been happier. So, you've gotta do what works for you and your relationship. In retrospect, it was one of the best decisions I ever made - for both of us. And, he thanks me all the time for helping him get his act together.

You say he's a first year teacher. I understand there must be financial strain. But, honestly, I don't think that should really get in the way of making a commitment. Just my 2 cents.  

I totally think she did the right thing. He got too wrapped up in the thought that marriage = being perfectly settled with enough money to take care of everyone and never another worry in the world. I had this exact problem with my fiance. We'd been living together for 2 and a half years and still no engagement. We'd had several convos about getting engaged because I needed to know I wasn't wasting my time (and moving countries) with someone who didn't want to be with me forever. I warned him in January that I would leave in July if our relationship hadn't progressed and I did. A few weeks later he flew over to the US and we spent 4 weeks "figuring things out". He was so stuck on this idea that he needed to provide for me and we should be getting engaged when we are both insanely happy. (There were several monetary and emotional factors here: the economy, getting jobs and visas in different countries, and family struggles) It finally dawned on him that life was ALWAYS going to challenge us and there would always be difficult times but we wanted to go through those times together. He proposed and we both immediately felt a HUGE sense of relief and couldn't be more excited to be engaged! He LOVES saying "fiance" now and gets on my case if I slip up and refer to him as a "boyfriend"

I probably should have been more detailed with my own situation. The ultimatum I presented to Mr. G wasn't as black and white or cut and dry as the girlfriend in the original post. I wasn't like, "Hey, buddy, marry me by June 2009, or I'm out of here!" It was more like this, "If you don't show me that you are getting your act together, I will assume that you aren't serious about this relationship and getting married. As sad as this would make me, I would have to move on." So, it was more of a semi-ultimatum. No set deadlines. Mr. G frequently told me he wanted to get married, but he wasn't showing me that he was as serious as I was about making a commitment. Before my "ultimatum" convo with him, I was having problems knowing where we stood.

@peakay: I don't think there is necessarily a "nice" way to present an ultimatum. But there is a way to say things to people where they don't feel threatened and pushed into a corner. The set deadline doesn't help anyone. In fact, like many others have said, I think it is the wrong approach to this situation. It seems like there was a bit of a communication breakdown between your coworker and his girlfriend. Did he expressly tell her that he wanted to marry her? Because it seems strange that if he told her he desperately wanted to marry her, but needed six months (or 1 year, etc.) that she would've placed this ultimatum on him? I feel for both your coworker and the ex. It seems that neither of them got what they wanted. (?)  

If he wanted to marry her he would have, but how long does she have to wait for him to figure it out? She gave him a reasonable timeframe and it didn't happen, so she ended it. If she didn't give him the "ultimatum" she'd still be waiting or she would have broken up with him and he'd be bewildered as to why. All party's knew what was at stake. She very brave to walk away and look after herself.

As as side note, I think ultimatum is the wrong word. It sounds negative and demanding. They really just had a discussion about their relationship and where they wanted it to go - what couple hasn't done that?

My one serious relationship prior to Mr T ended with an ultimatum.  We dated for 4 years.  And because of my religious beliefs, there was no way we could ever live together unless we were married.  

@To answer your question about commitment-phobes vs "not ready to be married", I do think there's a difference.  My ex was committed to me in the sense that I believe he would have dated forever if I'd allowed it.  But marriage brought up a whole other batch of psychological issues that he just couldn't get over.  (And there were definitely justifications along the lines of "once I'm in a good place financially," but those tended to come and go without any significant change in his approach.)

Chances are, if a relationship comes to the ultimatum point, there's a much-higher-than-average chance that it's not going to end well.  But sometimes I think it helps to really be certain where things stand.

And in my case, the break-up was incredibly painful.  But I wouldn't trade it for the world, in the sense that it freed me up to meet and fall for Mr. T.  And it's a huge difference being with someone who's willing to commit to marriage and partnership and all the rest!