Weddingbee boards

I think most people side on the girl's side because we are usually the one with a timeline.  As nature has dictated, there is a limited number of years for a woman to achieve her goals in terms of a family, etc.  Yes, currently you see many women over 40 getting pregnant, married, etc, but that is not the norm, and in many cases it is with the help of fertility treatments.  Biologically, our chances of contraception decrease by 50% at the age of 35, and the risk associated with birth defects and other complications increases tremendously.  Men do not have this same predicament.  They can reproduce at 20 or 60, it is exactly the same.  It is my opinion that that is the reason why women are oftentimes ready for marriage when men are not, we are biologically predetermined to be so since our bodies are aware that "the clock is ticking", so to speak.

Some people would have pushed for an ultimatum, but it depends on the relationship. I agree with Ms. Penguin; my FI would have never taken an ultimatum.  He would have seen it as an insult and walked out on anyone had they given him an ultimatium, especially about something as important as marriage.  That being said, he knew he wanted to marry me from the day he met me.  So while we have been together 3 1/2 years, I was very aware of the engagement discussions and progression of our relationship.  We both knew our goal was to get married and start a family.  From the situation stated above, it seems she was neither certain those were his goals, nor was she certain they would EVER be his goals with her, and that is a big part of it. 

If he was really certain she was "The One", he would have not let her walk away, maybe he would not have proposed but he would have definitely put up a fight or she would have put up a fight not letting him walk away.  You don't know whether or not she had been trying to have this discussion with him about their future only to be faced with no communication on the matter.  Without knowing the details, I think he was just not sure she was it and was willing to take the chance.  In her case, she has certain goals in mind and the older she gets the more difficult those goals become to achieve, albeit it not so much in our society, but biologically.

I'm not a fan of an ultimatum since it's about putting your desires ahead of your SO's and not really trying to meet halfway. I do think, however, that she had good reason to end the relationship, although I wish she had done it another way. They should have sat down and had a mature discussion about where the relationship was going and she should have discussed how their timelines matched up (which they didn't appear to at all). Then she could have ended the relationship because she was ready for the next phase in life and it didn't look like he would be ready for a long time.

Sometimes, I think ultimatums are not cruel or manipulative or arbitrary so much as they are the only honest expression of what a person is feeling.  "I love you and I want to marry you, but if you don't want to marry me, I need to move on because I am not happy continuing to be just your girlfriend.  You have until the end of the year to decide if you are ready to make that committment.  I love you but I won't wait any longer than that." If your friend's ex loved him but was completely fed up with relationship limbo and would rather break up than keep waiting for him to decide, it sounds like she was just being honest with him about what she wanted and how long she was willing to wait. 

Put it another way: Would it have been better if, on New Year's Day, she said, "I'm tired of waiting for you to propose and I'm breaking up with you" with absolutely no warning? She let him know she was unhappy and gave your friend the opportunity to make a decision, at least -- and it sounds a bit like he just crossed his fingers and hoped she wouldn't follow through. Did he try to talk to her about an alternate timeline, or give her some idea of when *he* would like to get married?

While I have always haded the idea of an ultimatum and would never consider giving one, I would absolutely move along if I realized someone I was dating didn't want the same thing I did. Isn't that why people have exes? As it was, I was less than a year out of college and happy to be just dating my boyfriend when he proposed. Of course, I was even happier to be engaged! If we had dated for 9 years though, I would definitely have a talk with him, let him know I was interested in getting married... was he? And if not, it's harsh but I imagine I would look for someone who was. I don't think it's any different than breaking up with someone because they want to live in the country and you want to live in the city, or you wan't to go out on the weekends and they like quiet nights at home... if you don't want the same thing, one of you will be compromising. It seems like she compromised with him for a long time.

I never gave an ultimatum, but I thought about it at times. It's tough, because I've known I wanted to marry my boyfriend for a while, and then he even knew he wanted to marry me SOMEDAY for quite a bit, but he wasn't sure when. I agree with a lot of the bees that the ultimatum is kinda a dealbreaker if it's done the wrong way. Eventually, I sat him down and told him that I really wanted to start planning it now and get a firm timeline because I love him and it was tearing me up to wait without knowing how long. I was thrilled to find out we were on the same page - he had just needed to catch up to me.

But that doesn't work for everyone. I feel bad for both of them since it sounds like they are both heartbroken, but neither of them seemed to really try and make it happen by setting a timeline, proposing, etc. Would a lifetime of frustration be better than this? It's such a tough choice and one that I don't think any of us here can make for them since we aren't there to see what's happened. I wish them both the best!