(Closed) Ultimatums

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Do you believe in ultimatums?
    Yes : (39 votes)
    27 %
    No : (91 votes)
    63 %
    Other (explain) : (15 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    218 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    If an ultimatum has to be given, I really don’t think either party are ready.  To be forced to do something, like you said isn’t very genuine…..But DROPPING HINTS is fine , I just feel people shouldn’t  push it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    i wouldnt say its an ultimatium but i believe in drawing a very firm line

    when my now hubby and i first became a couple he wanted me to move in with him (we had been friends for a year first), i said not without a ring and thats exactly what i got soon after and even then i didnt move in until we married. i wouldnt live with a guy, not for a religous reason but im generally a all or nothing person

    Post # 6
    Member
    3587 posts
    Sugar bee

    I don’t believe in saying “marry me now, or it’s over” but I don’t believe in waiting endlessly. If everything is in order- house, money, degrees-there shouldn’t BE a long wait. What you waiting on? I understand you love a person and all, but at some point, they should do what they keep talking about they are going to do and if not, go.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    3314 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I never wanted to give an ultimatum.  I wanted a proposal that came from the heart and that was truely meant and NOT one that came as a “Well I was going to lose you” or “Well you deserved it after all this time” type of proposal.  What I DID tell him was that it was his choice to decide if and when he was going to ask me to marry him, it was my choice to decide how long I was willing to wait for it.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    10288 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I don’t think anything good can come from an ultimatum so I voted “no”. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    7300 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Depends on the situation. for marriage? no. 
    I gave FI an ultimatum about moving. He wants out of our current place and I told him if he didn’t have a better job by April, we would be resigning the lease here. Not really a big threat, but he wants a bigger place so….

    Post # 10
    Member
    3525 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Absolutely not, if we’re talking about ultimatums for marriage or a proposal.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1854 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I was given an ultimatum once and walked away. I thought if the person was willing to  leave because I wasn’t ready, then this person was not for me.

    BUT it worked, in the way that I was also able to let that person leave, so it only showed us both that we didn’t want to be with each other enough to make it work and we avoided wasting time on each other, which could have been spent with someone who actually stood a chance…

    Post # 12
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    No way.  I guess if we weren’t on the same page about marriage, I wouldn’t want to be with him, because I would be unhappy. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    424 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I agree with a few of the others that an ultimatum isn’t a good idea, but a personal timeline is.  But it also depends on the person / relationship.  For example, my sister definitely gave her husband an ultimatum.  They had been dating for over 4 years, and she said that she wanted to get engaged before the 5 year mark or she’d have to consider what she wanted to do.  They had been talking about getting married for several years mind you, he just hadn’t gotten around to it.  They already lived together and had their lives mapped out together.  They both made a good living, had their cars payed off, and did not have any debt, so there money for a ring was not an issue.  My BIL is a little lazy so he really needed this extra push.  She sat him down, told him how she was feeling at a little over 4 years into dating (which gave him a year to decide- plenty of time), and left him alone after that.  She didn’t nag him about it, but she made her wishes very clear during that one talk.  He proposed 6 months later, and they have been happily married now for 5 years.  It worked for her, but it greatly depends on the situation.  For me, my husband proposed way sooner than I ever thought he would, so I never had that issue…

     

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    52 posts
    Worker bee

    I said yes, but it really depends on the definition. I don’t believe in “by this exact date or it’s over” but I do believe in “look we’re either in it for the long haul or we’re not, and if we are around such-and-such time would be the appropriate time to move things forward.” So not so much an ultimatum as a “push”

    Post # 15
    Member
    4804 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I voted yes because I guess I don’t see the difference between an ultimatum and a “timeline”.  Both are kind of like, “If we’re not engaged by such and such time (and I do think it’s ok to have a bit of leeway depending on the sitation) then I have to move on with my life for these reasons…”. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    No. I believe in both people in a relationship being on the same page and having open communication that facilitates realistic expectations. If you’re doling out ultimatums, you shouldn’t be marrying that person, in my experience.

    The topic ‘Ultimatums’ is closed to new replies.

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