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soooo...my husband just called me to tell me that he wants a 'real' dinner tonight. what do you mean, i ask? well, something that is actually cooked. (sidenote: i make a lot of frozen type meals because of my work schedule - those bertolli things or a lot of precooked just reheat stuff from the local grocer.) so anyways, im like well why cant you cook? you are at home now (i came in to the office today at 7 am and will likely be here til after 6). then he goes on talking crazy to me about how if i cooked 4 or 5 times a week, he would be willing to cook every now and then. huh? i've never been a domestic woman. and he's an adult! when he does cook, he makes a BUG OLE mess on purpose so I wont ask him to do it again... so i think i am officially on strike. as is, i do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying... he says - its my job to make the money. so does that mean i dont have to contribute to the bills anymore? becuase right now i am paying HALF of everything, working 10-11 hours a day, and apparently am expected to be a housewife also. seriously, sometimes i really miss living alone. i forsee a huge argument tonight...
yikes.
I would have laughed at him on the phone.
Discussion is definitely in order -- but (and I say this with love) it wil be a LOT more productive if you can stay unemotional and discuss, not fight.
maybe, don't make an argument, and just cook dinner to show him you love him, even though you don't feel like it.
I know thats probably not what you want to hear, but it might help to avoid arguing.
That is NOT ok. I don't really have advice, except you definitely deserve to win this one...
Oh, I'm sorry! But how about this: Surprise him with NO huge agument tonight. Be like a guy, let it roll off your shoulders. Maybe it can go something like this:
Him: Hey, are you gonna cook dinner or what?
you: Oh yeah, about that--I actually grabbed to-go on my way home, I'm beat. Sorry hun, there's ________ in the fridge. ((and walk out of the room))
If he makes a mess, he makes a mess---let it slide! Men never know ho wto react when we women give them the "eh, whatever" attitude. GOODLUCK
Edit: After reading more carefully, maybe you could talk to him about somethings, like him helping with the bills, or picking up stuff on his way home from work at the store.
thanks ladies. im not a peacekeeper. not my personality at all. i will not be making dinner tonight. how about he gets off his ass and cooks me dinner to show me that he apologies for being such as asshole (especially since he's at home in front of the TV and im still in the office) and that he respects all the work that I put into this relationship. Cook him a real dinner....he must really be crazy. and here i thought i married such a progressive man! no 'roles'. no 'it's the womans job'.... i could literally scream right now.
LMAO...I like VirginiaMarie's advice! I mean, really, his attidtude is pretty 1950s.
hisbunny, that's also a recipe for spending your life doing unpaid labor and being exploited till your resentment boils over and ten years later your ex husband is crying to everyone that he has no idea why she left, it was so sudden.
futurmrs.morgan, I second the advice to keep calm, remember logic is on your side so try to make him explain this with logic. Either you don't have to pay half the bills or he has to do half the cooking. And that's not even getting into the fairness of the issue (IMO it is not about the money but the number of hours you spend at work). He's being an ass and if his only justification for that is that you're a woman...wow. I'd say stop cooking for him at all. He married a partner not a maid or cook.
he says it's his job to make the money and yet you're working 10-11 hour days? How does that work? I would suggest saying "honey if you want a housewife I'm happy to quit my job." Do the sums (which will presumably prove you can't afford to do that), prove to him that you're BOTH contributing to the household and that means not only do you get to share the chores but he isn't allowed to call you from HOME and demand you cook a meal. How silly.
I think I might have had the same reaction as you! I do most of the cooking and nearly all of the grocery shopping. The difference is I get home 2 hours before my husband does, but I would be annoyed if my husband started to complain about the meals I put together during the week. Sorry you have to deal with that! Though, I agree that trying to approach this as a discussion would go a longer way to a resolution than fighting about it.
futuremrsmorgan I think I would personally do what you're planning on doing. I would be soooo pissed, I'm a brat though and don't take comments like that lightly. A marriage is 50/50 and if you've never been the "housewife" type why does he all of a sudden want this?
Thankfully bf isn't mean like that (as in making big messes to get out of it/claiming well it's his job to make the money). He did suggest we move away from bagged meals, but more because he is watching his weight and because of the sodium in them.
Too bad you don't have 10lbs of potatoes for just the two of you. You could make a crapton of potato-based foods.
He can't complain, you're cooking, and it's not from a bag...okay, it's from a bag of potatoes. :p
Um, I kinda think those frozen pasta things and whatnot ARE cooking! You put it in the oven or heat it on the stove, right? I do a lot of those type of meals too, since I usually don't get home until 7:30-8pm and then work out.
You could always just put the frozen pasta on a plate, and see if he prefers that? LOL, maybe then he would appreciate it cooked! 
Argh!##$)(*! OK, now that I got that out....
You cannot have a "traditional" breadwinner-homewaker domestic division of labor if you are paying half the bills. I mean, simple definition here. Thus! You pay half the bills; he does half the housework. Also, buy him The Second Shift. This might sound b!tchier than I intend it to, but I do mean it. Talk to him about this; it's not fair to you, and it is a really spoiled, unrealistic expectation anyway.
@Arachna - I agree with you, that being walked over is not the answer, and that is NOT how a marriage works, and if he is sitting home watching TV, then there really should be some talking done, and some discussion on how a marriage is an equal partnership between to people. If her hubby isn't doing anything for her, then I agree, there should be talking done.
I know it's prob not the best thing to do, but it's funny and guys tend to see thepoint more clearly when things are reversed, so I say you do what VirginiaMarie said. Make sure you bring in the drink cup to the house so he sees you already ate :)
If this was my husband he wouldn't be getting any dinner or any a$$ for that mater from here on out until he had a change of attitude. I'm just saying..
Edit: I just re-read my post, and when I said it's "funny" I didn't mean what he said or did, I meant that what VirginiaMarie had suggested was funny. oops...
This is probably a better idea in theory than practice, but...
Go home. Make what you usually do, but only enough for yourself. Proceed to eat. If he notices, tell him you felt like "imaginary" dinner tonight, but if he wants a "real" meal he's welcome to make one for himself.
wow, my husband would be in serious trouble if he said that! If you both work equal hours ( I think it is about the hours NOT the $$ contribution) then you should both split the housework. He seems to have already gotten a pretty nice deal in this relationship. I would use this as an opportunity to tell him that YOU have been thinking how it would be nice if he contributed as much as you did to the household in general. Flip it around.
Ah, in the past, I have done what teaadntoast suggested. Never works out well, I have to say. I think you girls are taking this way too far. He's not necessarily being the chauvinistic dou*he bag you're assuming he is, he's just a hungry guy who probably doesn't know how to cook very well and is craving that home-cooked dinner. I'm not saying do it if you don't feel like it, but don't crucify the guy for asking (sure, he could have worded it better). Just be honest, say you're too tired, you do alot every week and if he wants a home cooked meal, maybe you guys should plan for one on Saturday night, like a date.
Pretty sure I would have jumped through the phone and strangled R if he said that to me. He does about half the cooking, though, so no complaints!
I think in this situation, you don't have to jump down his throat, but I'd definitely explain why you're mad. The comment about how he'd make dinner if you made it 4-5 nights a week is just unacceptable IMHO.
virginiamarie, I agree that since it sounds like he hasn't always been a sexist ass (there's a reason futuremrs.morgan married him!) there's probably a semi reasonable explanation why he said something like that and maybe he meants something different by that. But! apparently he doesn't not do his fair share of the cooking and grocery shopping right now and very apparently doesn't appreciate that his wife is taking on more than her share, this is a pretty negative thing. If he doesn't know how to cook well, he should learn, buy a cookbook and experiment.
Out of curiousity, how has it worked out? What does the guy say or do?
Yeah, I'm like you and I work long hours. DH knows it too. I do all the bill paying, most of the cooking (he cooks like once every 3 months), I do the grocery shopping and I'm the one who works like 12 hours days sometimes.
I've hinted to him that he should make dinner on my long days. Ehh, he does it sometimes.
But, I would definitely have been pissed if he asked me for 'real' dinner. I would have said, why don't you pick up some 'real' food from the grocery store and make your own 'real' dinner.
EDIT: Then again, I do make up for my long days at work by trying to make him dinner on the weekends.
I've been tempted to buy a cookbook that is aimed towards guys... so he starts to cook things other than what he always makes, chicken or steak.
Haha, well I am marrying a caveman! So I am accustomed to cooking non-stop. I even pack him a lunch everyday. Now I'm not some poor, battered, girl stuck in the 50's or anything--I just love to cook! I'm also Italian, and I do believe we show our affection through our lasagna!! My FI absolutely doesn't do "his half" of anything around the house. But we're just not that type of couple so it's no issue. He's very busy in med school, and super career oriented. I love to keep our house a home. I don't know how Mrs. Morgan will find that crucial "balance" with her hubby, but I definitely don't think it's worth an argument. I wonder if they lived together before marriage? (just curious)
Tell him that you work more hours and pay half the bills and therefore need him to take up slack around the house. Be calm and don't starve him tonight, but tell him that you're exhausted, you work too (and more hours than he does) and can't keep this up without any more help from him. Make it very clear that that's the deal - there is too much on your shoulders and until he starts helping out with household chores, you're going to have to pull back.
Then pull back. Only heat up a one-serving dinner. Eat before you get home. Make food he's not interested in. Don't get angry, just tell him that you're not getting any help so you can't put more effort in. You're both adults, you can make separate simple dinners. The trick is to not get angry but find a way to rationally explain that his expectations are unrealistic and out of line.
I don't about you guys, but I do like cooking when I have time. My food does come out better than his. So that's probably why I would prefer that I cook than he does. But if he's hungry and I'm not home, too bad, he has to either buy food or make something.
Um, WTF? That's not the kind of roles you spring on someone once you've already married them. I wouldn't cook anything, even frozen meals, for him for awhile. He's not doing "his job" if you're working long days, so you don't need to do "your job", either (which is complete bullshit, anyway).
I just read this post to FI since I am trying to get him to come the grocery store (like you, I worked late tonight and am TIRED), all he said was, yep and went back to his call of duty game...ugh.
@VirginiaMarie, I hope us Italians don't always show love through lasagna, mine always turns out soupy!
ummmm NO. you are not a maid! household duties should be shared. you should just make a giant casserole at the beginning of the week and he can have that every day if he doesn't want to help out with the cooking!
we lived together before marriage and Ive always been VERY CLEAR that I am not 'that girl'. i have no desire to 'keep house'. everyone is different, and i am just not that type of woman. at no poiint in our relationship have i been sally housewife. so what the heck is going on?
he grew up in a single-parent home so I KNOW he knows how to cook and clean for himself. but ever since we got married (this past May) he has slowly de-volved into ward cleaver! he has a very stressful job, but so what. everyone has a very stressful job right now. the economy sucks.
huh...i havent talked to him yet because i am trying to calm down. i would describe myself as 'the aggressor' in terms of our personalities. i have no problem with arguing but he completely withdraws when i start to scream so i am trying to wait until i can have a reasonable conversation with him...plus im still at work. but really when do i get a home cooked meal? when do i get to come home to a clean house and warm meal... i feel like cinderella!
i'll keep you ladies posted. thanks for the advice to calm down first. because my instincts were to call him back and let him have it.
one thing I learned from my mom...early on her marriage she did EVERYTHING around the house because it was new, fun, all that. Well she basically set the precedent for a long time that that was how it worked, so def. be careful of the precedent you set (eg you working equal hours but not splitting household stuff equally). BEcause if you throw kids into that mix it will just get worse!
@MrsMorgan, being that it's clear as day that you're not into the homemaking gig, I think this is odd. Probably just something that warrents a talk about how you have noticed this behavior not just tonight, but throughout the last few months.... Goodluck! And boy, oh boy, this post has made ma STARVVVVVING!
Maybe you guys should talk about who is doing what and why. Sounds like he is under the impression that you are supposed to do all the cooking, and you are not under that impression. I say you guys talk it out...and order in tonight. :)
I'm sorry!!! I would also just make dinner for myself...or have fI help me. I'd be LIVID if I was told I needed to make a home cooked meal 4-5 times a week! He's off work at almost midnight, and I'm up at 4 am..that wouldn't happen!
I hope the (hopefully) calm discussion goes well and he understands why you are upset! Keep us posted!
Um, are you a maid? A 1940s housewife? Because your hubby seems to have gotten amnesia and forgotten who he married.
I am more vocal like you seem to be, so I would need to calm down too. Otherwise I would be tempted to make dinner, then drop it in his lap.
I would eat dinner out somewhere on the way home, then get home later, go to bed and completely ignore him. But that's just me.
He needs to learn that a marriage is an EQUAL, 50/50, PARTNERSHIP. He was disrespectful and owes you an apology. Do NOT back down from him on this, do not "make nice" or bite your tongue- because men will get away with whatever they're permitted to get away with.
GOOD LUCK, and let us know what happens!
I'm with greenbee...maybe even go out to dinner (perhaps a place that specializes in "home-cooked meals, just like mama used to make"?). Have the "let's get on the same page" conversation. Something like: it's okay to long for a "real" home-cooked meal, but it's NOT okay to a. call me at work when you know I work long hours & say you want me to work even longer, while YOU are at home, not working, b. ignore WHO I am...you KNOW, having lived with me, that I'm not "that girl", c. imply that you hired me to do a job...you MARRIED me & that makes me a partner, not an employee! Therefore, I'd like to discuss the terms of this partnership...
@FutureMrsMorgan: I commend you for recognizing that your husband shuts down when you scream & therefore you're trying to calm down first...shows that you are treating him like a partner by making sure you do what you can to make yourself heard. Kudos! And good luck tonight!
I'd probably just make dinner for myself and let him fend for himself. Since this isn't a sudden change in your cooking behavior, it does seem quite a bit out of place. Tonight probably isn't the best time, but perhaps it is time to sit down and talk about responsibilities around the house. If it were me and he wasn't willing to help out, I wouldn't be so willing to help out paying the bills.
I did feel a little bad reading this though because last night I was the one on the phone telling my FI to make dinner, but he had the day off, I was late and we had a meeting to get to.
Hmmm i wonder what prompted this?! So random, right?
Maybe he's feeling like, needy or something and this is his (bad) way of telling you he wants to be taken care of?
Throw a nice stew together, leave it on the stove. It's cake! Maybe a crock pot meal in the future? Those are SOOO EASY and have been insanely popular with my husband.
But, I would definitely cool down and have a chat with him about the whole "traditional" roles. I'm guessing something else is manifesting and he's just handling it in a strange way.
I wonder if somebody prompted this with him though. It seems like often people are very content with their own lives and the ways they go about things until somebody tells them how "they" do things and then it influences you and makes you wonder if you're living 'right' and that kind of stuff. So maybe somebody at work is making him feel all weird or somethinmg about your not-1950's traditional situation. Nothing wrong with that in my book! I make hubs dinner sometimes (b/c i enjoy it) but i would balk if he approached me the way yours did with you!
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