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((((bellenga)))) I'm so sorry. Sometimes when people lose someone, they change a lot, and its not fair to those that are still living and also loved the person that passed away. My stepdad's dad remarried very quickly (less than a year) after my stepdad's mom died unexpectedly, and says things like, "Your mom was great, but [new wife] is just so perfect for me." Hurtful comments like that which obviously disregard his kids' feelings about their newly passed mom.
Your mom will honestly probably not follow through - she is probably seeking attention and dwelling in this immature romance. But even if she does, rest assured that your upcoming MARRAIGE will be built on much more honesty and maturity than hers. In that regard, there is absolutely no competition!
oh gosh... (hugs!!!) you are living my worst fear and i really wish you didnt have to be going thru this (my mum is 69 and a widow also)
i decided a number of years ago that both my mum and i are adults and as we dont have much of a parent child relationship i will treat it as an adult relationship only. what i discovered is that we have very little in common and we actually dont like eachother much (she would agree with this-we drive eachother crazy)
as a result we have developed a polite relationship with very little emotional investment which helps me from going crazy when she does stuff that use to drive me batty (like lend a neighbour thousands of dollars and then bitch to me about what that person did with it and not repay her like promised)
try to focus on yourself and your family (grandparents, children & fi) - these are the people that you can depend on and communicate with daily with love and support. i would say that your mum is too old to change her patterns now so hopefully legally and financially she has protected herself and you have to let her make her own decisions
hopefully your aging grandparents have also made some legal decisions in their will in regards to your mother also
sending hugs and positive vibes.....
Thanks Danielle! My mom may be the only one in a competition. I'm just stunned at her behavior. I really need the hugs btw.
What upsets me so is her forcing this guy on us. Like basically inviting him to my son's birthday party when he hasn't been around us in so many years? Heck my own mom hasn't seen us in several. NO effort on her part whatsoever.
I am just confused and wondering why on earth she is behaving like this? But I am glad to know I'm not the only one who had a relative flip out after their spouse dies. It's like she went from being a loving, doting mom and grandma to this self centered single lady who would rather not see us because we don't approve of her becoming the wife no. 4 . Normally this would not bother me, but when we met her bf, she told us (and he went along with it too because they would know we'd question a guy marrying four times) that he was a RECENT WIDOWER and that his wife in TX died of cancer. We were like "Oh that is so sad.." and we were kind and sweet to him and had an open mind, despite his number of trips down the aisle. However, our opinions on him changed when we found out that his third wife WAS INDEED ALIVE AND WELL and that he'd divorced her in a messy one after just a few years together...
So this is where our skepticism of this off/on boyfriend of hers comes from. That and his inability to seem to ever follow through with his promises.
I'm just exhausted with her. This is the millionth go-round with her on this very subject and just tired.
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Thanks Eloping. Hugs right back at ya!
I do believe my grandparents have the will issue resolved. They made it so very clear they didn't like this guy over 50 yrs ago and they don't like him now (again it's the womanizer issue). I seriously would also worry that he'd be marrying her for either her house or my grandparent's $$ in the will.
I can also totally see my mom trying to have a wedding before mine and make me plan it for her despite my not wanting her to marry this guy.
Last year when T and I first began on the "we're gonna get married" stuff and talking about it, she said "I don't know if I could go (TO MY WEDDING) if she (MY SISTER) were there because she wouldn't approve of me bringing him. How dare my mom? Not only would she put a dude above her own daughters but she'd skip my wedding possibly? Or else she'd probably bring him and try to start something at my wedding (which will NOT happen 100 percent..I live a DRAMA FREE pretty much life with the exception of my mom that is).
T actually said tonight "Well, we will have to think on this issue with your mom b/c she will not upset our day or cause a family rift".
Dammit. All I want is a MOM for me and a GRANDMA to my child. I am blessed with an amazing set of grandparents though and they're awesome..I have a wonderful sister and an amazing great aunt and style maven! Plus T's parents are great and his mom is very motherly to me. I lost my dad 10 years ago and felt like she died along with him.
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((((HUGS))))
I'm so sorry Bellenga. I unfortunately don't have any real advice for you, but just wanted to offer some support. It's frustrating having to parent a parent, and I admire you for doing this for so long. You deserve a mom and a grandmom for your son, not someone to take care of. It's especially hurtful that she's putting him before her own daughters, and even considered skipping your wedding because of him. I hope she absolutely reconsiders that part. It's very telling when not only your grandparents disapprove of this guy, but so do you, your great aunt and other family members. She's unfotrunately in denial.
I hope things get better for you. Both you and T have a very good outlook on the entire situation. She should not be upsetting your day or causing a family rift with anyone. I wish you the best with this! Keep us updated as things progress!
Ouch, what a frustrating and weird sitaution to be put in! Makes you just want to physically take hold of her and shake her and say "who have you become? Where is my mother?"
If your mother is acting like a child, perhaps it is time to start treating her like one. Let her know she is an adult and welcome to date whomever she pleases, but that you do not like who she is with him, and as much as you want to see her happy you don't see how this guy could possibly fulfill that for her. But here is the key-- you still have to respect her right to choose who she dates and eventually marries.
I was in a dead-end relationship and my mother basically expressed that much to me, and it stuck with me even as I kept dating him. When we broke up I knew she would be there for me to cry to and help me through it.
If she is channelling a 15 year-old, your family's disapproval could very well spur her on to stick with the guy just because she can. Somebody else said this, I think, but this seems like a cry for attention.
(((hugs))) and good luck!
HUGS to you! Belle, the thing that struck me most about this is how manipulative your mom is being. It sounds like she is trying to favor you ("I want to keep my marriage a secret, but I'll let you in on it") and giving you things you want (visiting your son), to win you over to her side, so she can possibly slowly convince your sisters? The interesting thing is that she's not trying to win you over by presenting BF's good qualities-- maybe she knows he doesn't have any? I definitely think you did the right thing by showing her you weren't going to buy into her manipulation.
The difficult thing is that in my experience, people will do crazy things when they (think they?) are in love, and there's pretty much nothing that can be done. My step-dad's mother went totally nuts after her divorce and married the first man she met- and he is AWFUL. We're talking scary perv awful (among other unpleasant qualities)-- he peeks under the bathroom door when women are in there, and I'm pretty sure he's never seen my eyes, but can tell you every detail about my boobs. And this woman put her female children (she married when they were teenagers) in this position, which, to me, is reprehensible. They're still married, and her kids want nothing to do with either of them, and she won't leave him.
Since it doesn't sound like this man is abusive, just womanizing, maybe the best thing to do is give him a chance. They've been dating for 9 years, after all, so it's possible that he's grown more committed in his old age. If he doesn't make a good impression, tell your mom it's important that you preserve your relationship with her, but you don't want HIM involved in your life. Whatever you decide to do, you're definitely not alone. Lots of people have crazy parents who do crazy things as they age.
*HUGS* I'm sorry that you're dealing with the stress of having to look after your mother while you're planning your wedding. That really sucks, and it sucks that she won't take the time to visit her grandchild.
I don't really have any advice, just sympathy. I hope it all turns out okay, in the end.
I have been living this for the past 10 years.
My parents seperated when I was 13. My mom was a mom while I was in high school. Once my brother graduated high school, she became a teenager. She was kidless. SHe has had several boyfriends that I don't approve of and has been known to attend club nights at a private club. She didnt' attend one of my graduations from University as she didn't want to bother with driving to see me. She hasn't made the trip to see any of my houses that I've lived in since 2000! I was hurt and that was the end of our mother daughter relationship. Since then it has reversed!
Two summers ago I brought my boyfriend, hopeful soon-to-be fiance, home to meet my parents. I also got to meet her new boyfriend. Well when I got there, she was like I am engaged and will you be the MOH! I had only met him for a whole 5 minutes...I was furious and I let her have it. Her sister and brother laugh at me because I tell her how it is. She never got married and they broke up this past January!
When I get engaged, etc, I don't plan on including her in on lots of the details. I plan to just do it my way and if she decides she can come then she'll come if not oh well her choice. This will be very hard for me.
Bella...I know what you're going through. Hang in there...my advice is to just keep her at an arms length from you.
Wow everybody. I am SO SORRY this is happening to so many around here.
They've been dating off/on for five years. I think the worst situation ever was when she DENIED she lived with him for a year and a half. (him living at her house..this guy STILL lived with his MOTHER could you believe it?) He left his viagra in the medicine cabinet and I had gone to visit my mom and had a headache and asked for a tylenol (she gives me headaches..any wonder?) and I reached inside to get it and SAW THAT..
My mom is definitely the lunatic teenager. She DENIED the pill bottle was there and said she 
didn't know what it was for.
I won't enable her to tell the entire family an untruth.And I can definitely tell she is trying to get me on her side. I'm just tired of this idiocacy.
Big hive hugs to you for having to deal with such a difficult situation, especially during one of the happiest times of your life. I know how tough it is to deal with family who disappoint you.
That being said, I feel I need to point out a different perspective. How would you like it if your family members treated you this way - talked about the person you loved and wanted to be with behind your back? Doesn't your mother have the same right as you to be happy and not alone? Regardless of what you think of this man, she obviously has feelings for him otherwise she wouldn't be considering marrying him. Your life doesn't revolve around her, why should hers revolve around you and what you want?
I understand that you are hurt, but I wonder if this reaction is due to the fact that your mother is involved in a relationship with someone who's not your father. She's been a widow for ten years - alone for ten long years, after having what you claim was a good relationship. Have you considered that maybe she's trying to get something back that she lost? You have your own life, and from what I gathered from your post, she doesn't live close, so in reality, how often would you really see them?
Personally, I don't understand the need that adult children feel to have any say so in their parents' lives. Yes, this is your mother, but, IMO, her responsibility to "mother" you ended the day you became an adult, just as it's not your responsibility to "mother" her. She is an adult, the same as you. Even if this is a mistake, it's her mistake to make. Just as she can't make your choices for you, you can't make her choices for her, nor should you try. She'll resent you for it, and is that really what you want?
I realize I may be the odd one out in how I view this situation, and I hope you don't think I'm criticizing you. I'm merely looking at it from a different perspective. You may be more right than you think when you say that you feel your mother died when your father did. It's quite possible she did in a way; some people never recover from that kind of loss. If what you say is true and she hasn't been a part of your lives much the past few years, perhaps it's time for you to re-evaluate your relationship with her and what you can realistically expect from it. From what I can tell, it's hurting you way more than it is her. I know how much it hurts; I've recently had to do this with someone I've known nearly thirty years, who I looked upon as a mother-figure since my mother died 12 years ago. It was very painful to hear her tell me she wouldn't attend my wedding next year, so I empathize with how it feels to hear someone near and dear to you say something like that about one of the most important days in your life. But in the end, I was not going to let her spoil my wedding for me and the only way I could deal with it was to change how I approached that relationship. I wish you luck and strength.
Oh Chianti I'm not mad at all. Never would be. I appreciate your words so I can see all sides.
I've wanted her to actually date around since my dad died..but she wouldn't. So there's been no chance for her to really "live" her life.
She is hurting more than me..my sister, and the grandchildren who don't see their grandma. I am sorry you went thru what you did also. I do feel she did die as she used to be imho. Her "old life" was no more. While my dad was completely awesome and the best dad a woman could ask for, I realize that the guy she may fall in love with would never BE that same guy. However, this one leaves something to be desired (being nice here about him).
Many hugs back at you for being so strong and dealing with this too.
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Oh Belle- I've got nothing to say other than that sucks, and good luck with everything! As I've matured, I've figured out that I am much more like my grandmothers than my mom...
HUGE HUG headed your way!
I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I can tell you, you're not alone. Some people change incredibly when they lose someone.
Two years ago, a woman I was really close with (not family, but close to it) passed away from cancer. She was an incredible mother and grandmother; at the school where she worked she was the glue that held it all together.
Her husband brought his new GF to the funeral. His family was devastated to say the least, especially as she moved in with him two weeks later and before a month had passed, they were married. He's changed so much. Now he's a conspiracy theorist who uses FB to promote himself (and state over and over how perfect his new wife is, she's his "soulmate"). He used to be a very involved father and grandfather, now he's like a college kid running from one thing to the next.
Wishing you the best, stay as drama free as you can, and vent if you need to!
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Beekeeper
Oh dear. Dear oh dear.
Background: My mom has been widowed now for 10 years and was happily married and only married to my dad. About 9 years ago she began dating her x high school boyfriend. He's a pretty nice guy, but he wasn't forthcoming (neither was she) that if they married she'd be wifey number FOUR for him.
Well we weren't too thrilled with that but we love our mom and she marches to the beat of a different drummer after dad died..she became very egocentric and much like a teenager to be totally honest. Roles ended up reversing and I pretty much became THE MOM in the situation rather than her daughter. My sis and I were skeptical of this guy because of his track record and because he told her for years he wanted to marry her and never formally asked her.
Inbetween many breakups and this guy now resides several states away in TX. He comes home (they've been broken up for 2 years now) for the holiday weekend and apparently asked my mom to dinner. Well she went and now the whole "maybe I should marry him" thing comes up again.
She then says (because she knows HER PARENTS who are both close to 90 years old now don't approve of him and my sis and I aren't his biggest fans and neither is my aunt)"should I do it? I really don't want to TELL ANYBODY but you about it if I do."
I told her it'd be a serious problem if she did that without letting the rest of the family know and that I'm not one to ever mislead/lie about stuff. I told her I'd always be honest. She then got angry and said that WE were keeping HER from BEING HAPPY.
Sorry, wtf? This is MY MOTHER we're talking about, not a lovesick 15 year old. I was stunned and bewildered at her yet continued behavior tonight. I talked this over w/my great aunt and my guy T and he said "wow. I support you 100 percent. But there CAN be a perk to having an invisible mother in law ya know?". He was trying to be funny but it's serious...Did I mention that since my mom has had the 15 year old behaviors that she hasn't had time to come and see my son in several years or even take me up on offers to come here to visit (me pay for plane tix, or gas money).
At the close of the convo with my mom, she said "Well maybe I can come see you later this summer when (son's) birthday is. My bf can drive down there and that's pretty much the only way since I don't like to drive long distances and I hate flying."
I am literally stunned. What the hell is next? Is she gonna ask if we can have a double wedding or something? I don't want to see this casanova guy of hers. I'm sorry...but he's a bit of imho a womanizer in his time and there IS A REASON my almost 90 yo grandparents didn't want her dating him even back in high school!
T just kept saying "I'm sorry honey. I know this is stressful for you and your mother is an irrelevant issue to me. We're happy either way, with her around or not."
I'm tired of MOTHERING my 69 year old mom. I'm also tired of her idiotic behaviors. I'm tired of NOT having her be a grandmother. I feel like when my dad passed, my mom just kinda morphed into this strange teenager locked in a grandma's body (although she is an attractive lady for her age).