(Closed) Um…my mom may be getting married BEFORE me? And a Vent.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

((((bellenga)))) I’m so sorry. Sometimes when people lose someone, they change a lot, and its not fair to those that are still living and also loved the person that passed away. My stepdad’s dad remarried very quickly (less than a year) after my stepdad’s mom died unexpectedly, and says things like, "Your mom was great, but [new wife] is just so perfect for me." Hurtful comments like that which obviously disregard his kids’ feelings about their newly passed mom.

Your mom will honestly probably not follow through – she is probably seeking attention and dwelling in this immature romance. But even if she does, rest assured that your upcoming MARRAIGE will be built on much more honesty and maturity than hers. In that regard, there is absolutely no competition!

Post # 4
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

oh gosh… (hugs!!!)  you are living my worst fear and i really wish you didnt have to be going thru this (my mum is 69 and a widow also)

i decided a number of years ago that both my mum and i are adults and as we dont have much of a parent child relationship i will treat it as an adult relationship only. what i discovered is that we have very little in common and we actually dont like eachother much (she would agree with this-we drive eachother crazy)

as a result we have developed a polite relationship with very little emotional investment which helps me from going crazy when she does stuff that use to drive me batty (like lend a neighbour thousands of dollars and then bitch to me about what that person did with it and not repay her like promised)

try to focus on yourself and your family (grandparents, children & fi) – these are the people that you can depend on and communicate with daily with love and support. i would say that your mum is too old to change her patterns now so hopefully legally and financially she has protected herself and you have to let her make her own decisions

hopefully your aging grandparents have also made some legal decisions in their will in regards to your mother also

sending hugs and positive vibes…..

Post # 7
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

((((HUGS))))

I’m so sorry Bellenga. I unfortunately don’t have any real advice for you, but just wanted to offer some support. It’s frustrating having to parent a parent, and I admire you for doing this for so long. You deserve a mom and a grandmom for your son, not someone to take care of. It’s especially hurtful that she’s putting him before her own daughters, and even considered skipping your wedding because of him. I hope she absolutely reconsiders that part. It’s very telling when not only your grandparents disapprove of this guy, but so do you, your great aunt and other family members. She’s unfotrunately in denial.

I hope things get better for you. Both you and T have a very good outlook on the entire situation. She should not be upsetting your day or causing a family rift with anyone. I wish you the best with this! Keep us updated as things progress!

Post # 8
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Ouch, what a frustrating and weird sitaution to be put in! Makes you just want to physically take hold of her and shake her and say "who have you become? Where is my mother?"

If your mother is acting like a child, perhaps it is time to start treating her like one. Let her know she is an adult and welcome to date whomever she pleases, but that you do not like who she is with him, and as much as you want to see her happy you don’t see how this guy could possibly fulfill that for her. But here is the key– you still have to respect her right to choose who she dates and eventually marries.

I was in a dead-end relationship and my mother basically expressed that much to me, and it stuck with me even as I kept dating him. When we broke up I knew she would be there for me to cry to and help me through it.

If she is channelling a 15 year-old, your family’s disapproval could very well spur her on to stick with the guy just because she can. Somebody else said this, I think, but this seems like a cry for attention.

(((hugs))) and good luck!

Post # 9
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

HUGS to you!  Belle, the thing that struck me most about this is how manipulative your mom is being.  It sounds like she is trying to favor you ("I want to keep my marriage a secret, but I’ll let you in on it") and giving you things you want (visiting your son), to win you over to her side, so she can possibly slowly convince your sisters?  The interesting thing is that she’s not trying to win you over by presenting BF’s good qualities– maybe she knows he doesn’t have any?  I definitely think you did the right thing by showing her you weren’t going to buy into her manipulation.

The difficult thing is that in my experience, people will do crazy things when they (think they?) are in love, and there’s pretty much nothing that can be done.   My step-dad’s mother went totally nuts after her divorce and married the first man she met- and he is AWFUL.  We’re talking scary perv awful (among other unpleasant qualities)– he peeks under the bathroom door when women are in there, and I’m pretty sure he’s never seen my eyes, but can tell you every detail about my boobs.  And this woman put her female children (she married when they were teenagers) in this position, which, to me, is reprehensible.  They’re still married, and her kids want nothing to do with either of them, and she won’t leave him.  

Since it doesn’t sound like this man is abusive, just womanizing, maybe the best thing to do is give him a chance.  They’ve been dating for 9 years, after all, so it’s possible that he’s grown more committed in his old age.  If he doesn’t make a good impression, tell your mom it’s important that you preserve your relationship with her, but you don’t want HIM involved in your life.  Whatever you decide to do, you’re definitely not alone.  Lots of people have crazy parents who do crazy things as they age.  

 

Post # 10
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

*HUGS* I’m sorry that you’re dealing with the stress of having to look after your mother while you’re planning your wedding. That really sucks, and it sucks that she won’t take the time to visit her grandchild.

I don’t really have any advice, just sympathy. I hope it all turns out okay, in the end.

Post # 11
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I have been living this for the past 10 years.

My parents seperated when I was 13. My mom was a mom while I was in high school. Once my brother graduated high school, she became a teenager. She was kidless. SHe has had several boyfriends that I don’t approve of and has been known to attend club nights at a private club. She didnt’ attend one of my graduations from University as she didn’t want to bother with driving to see me. She hasn’t made the trip to see any of my houses that I’ve lived in since 2000! I was hurt and that was the end of our mother daughter relationship. Since then it has reversed!

Two summers ago I brought my boyfriend, hopeful soon-to-be fiance, home to meet my parents. I also got to meet her new boyfriend. Well when I got there, she was like I am engaged and will you be the MOH! I had only met him for a whole 5 minutes…I was furious and I let her have it. Her sister and brother laugh at me because I tell her how it is. She never got married and they broke up this past January!

When I get engaged, etc, I don’t plan on including her in on lots of the details. I plan to just do it my way and if she decides she can come then she’ll come if not oh well her choice. This will be very hard for me.

Bella…I know what you’re going through. Hang in there…my advice is to just keep her at an arms length from you. 

Post # 13
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Big hive hugs to you for having to deal with such a difficult situation, especially during one of the happiest times of your life. I know how tough it is to deal with family who disappoint you.

That being said, I feel I need to point out a different perspective. How would you like it if your family members treated you this way – talked about the person you loved and wanted to be with behind your back? Doesn’t your mother have the same right as you to be happy and not alone? Regardless of what you think of this man, she obviously has feelings for him otherwise she wouldn’t be considering marrying him. Your life doesn’t revolve around her, why should hers revolve around you and what you want? 

I understand that you are hurt, but I wonder if this reaction is due to the fact that your mother is involved in a relationship with someone who’s not your father. She’s been a widow for ten years – alone for ten long years, after having what you claim was a good relationship. Have you considered that maybe she’s trying to get something back that she lost? You have your own life, and from what I gathered from your post, she doesn’t live close, so in reality, how often would you really see them? 

Personally, I don’t understand the need that adult children feel to have any say so in their parents’ lives.  Yes, this is your mother, but, IMO, her responsibility to "mother" you ended the day you became an adult, just as it’s not your responsibility to "mother" her. She is an adult, the same as you. Even if this is a mistake, it’s her mistake to make. Just as she can’t make your choices for you, you can’t make her choices for her, nor should you try. She’ll resent you for it, and is that really what you want?

I realize I may be the odd one out in how I view this situation, and I hope you don’t think I’m criticizing you. I’m merely looking at it from a different perspective. You may be more right than you think when you say that you feel your mother died when your father did. It’s quite possible she did in a way; some people never recover from that kind of loss. If what you say is true and she hasn’t been a part of your lives much the past few years, perhaps it’s time for you to re-evaluate your relationship with her and what you can realistically expect from it. From what I can tell, it’s hurting you way more than it is her. I know how much it hurts; I’ve recently had to do this with someone I’ve known nearly thirty years, who I looked upon as a mother-figure since my mother died 12 years ago. It was very painful to hear her tell me she wouldn’t attend my wedding next year, so I empathize with how it feels to hear someone near and dear to you say something like that about one of the most important days in your life. But in the end, I was not going to let her spoil my wedding for me and the only way I could deal with it was to change how I approached that relationship. I wish you luck and strength.

Post # 15
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh Belle- I’ve got nothing to say other than that sucks, and good luck with everything! As I’ve matured, I’ve figured out that I am much more like my grandmothers than my mom…

HUGE HUG headed your way!

Post # 16
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m so sorry you are going through this! 

I can tell you, you’re not alone. Some people change incredibly when they lose someone.

Two years ago, a woman I was really close with (not family, but close to it) passed away from cancer. She was an incredible mother and grandmother; at the school where she worked she was the glue that held it all together.

Her husband brought his new GF to the funeral. His family was devastated to say the least, especially as she moved in with him two weeks later and before a month had passed, they were married. He’s changed so much. Now he’s a conspiracy theorist who uses FB to promote himself (and state over and over how perfect his new wife is, she’s his "soulmate"). He used to be a very involved father and grandfather, now he’s like a college kid running from one thing to the next.

Wishing you the best, stay as drama free as you can, and vent if you need to! 

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