- 6 years ago
Good Evening, Bees!
So recently I’ve kind of been panicking about bringing up marriage and engagement to the SO. We’ve talked about it extensively since we’ve been together, but it’s still very hard for me to talk about without getting nervous and (I dare say it), scared. He isn’t generally rattled but I am always so worried about pushing him into something that he doesn’t want to do, or god forbid he proposes with a “shut up ring” just to get me to stop. I don’t bring it up often for fear of nagging. It sounds odd, but believe me, it’s a touchy area for me. Before I met my SO, I was engaged very young to a man who seemed like a dream at first and quickly became my nightmare before I could get out and leave (long story short, the police didn’t even believe me when I had to call them…it got that bad). My ex made me feel so worthless, that I didn’t deserve to have someone make me happy, I didn’t deserve a wedding and I didn’t deserve a ring from his “hard earned money” because it was just being greedy. I didn’t believe it at first but it really sunk in (abusers will do that with your self worth). If someone tells you every day that you’re a greedy, horrible person, it’ll sink in after a while.
So, sorry for the long back story, but with this in mind, you can probably imagine why I’m still a little skiddish about approaching the whole thing. While I love living where I am, I’m thousands of miles away from my friends and family and am so homesick, it hurts. I’m still here in the central coast because I’m waiting for my SO to finish his degree and don’t think I could cope well with a long distance relationship like that. To be honest, since I’m done with my education, I’m still here because of him.
He is absolutely worth it. He’s kind, he’s generous, patient, funny and a wonderful light in my life. He’s like no one I’ve ever met before and I thank my lucky stars every day he’s in my life. He makes me feel loved, he makes me feel like to him, there’s nothing more important than seeing me smile. After years with the ex, I could cry from my stroke of good luck.
Still, I’m making a good number of personal sacrifices and it’s hard not to want to go home, now. While dating is lovely and wonderful, I want that stability, that reassurance, that statement to the world that says “yes, we’re working through this, yes, we’re in it for the long haul and f*** off if you have something awful to say”. Broaching the topic of “I want to get engaged soon” is just very, very hard for me to talk about without feeling those lingering feelings of “you’re being greedy” and doubt. I want something concrete.
Tonight, after an awful day at work, I go to his place and he makes me dinner with a kiss on the cheek. I blurt out during a quiet moment after dinner,
“Honey…I think we should get engaged this year.”
“Hmm. You think so?”
“Hmm. I think that can be arranged. 😉 Well, pick out a ring and send me a link. Do we still have ice cream in the freezer?”
That may have been the easiest “where are we” conversation I’ve ever had. So on the one hand, I’m baffled, but on the other, I GET TO SHOP FOR AN E-RING! 😀 😀 😀
Thank you for reading this far, bees, I’m totally excited that it’s going to happen sometime this year. I had a ring in mind, but now my head is swimming with ideas! While it’s not a proposal, I’m so happy, I could cry.
Thanks for reading my silly story. 😉