Weddingbee boards

So my mom is getting married next month at 62, good for her.

I haven't interacted much with her new hubby to be yet, but from the few times I've met him he's seemed like a nice guy.  So whatever.

After months of tension between FI and I and his fam, his dad finally called my mom to kick off some cultural engagement stuff that the adults want to do.  Im not particularly keen on it, but whatever, I'll participate.

So my mom calls me, telling me that FI dad called her but her hubby to be did most of the speaking b/c "he's the man"; she proceed to hand him the phone and this guy starts telling me stuff about:

"how we should have the engagement party in NYC even if al my friends are in DC b/c all my mom's friends are in NYC

we shouldn't get married within a week of FIs graduation b/c it's not a good idea (mind you, we've already agreed on a date with FI's parents  so WTF is this dude talking about)

he thinks it's fine for me to pursue my MBA since his niece got a masters in engineering management from Columbia (dude, I didn't ask for your approval for my life plans, mind your effin business)

how he is gonna call my FI and discuss the wedding with him"

COME AGAIN?!!!!  Dude, who the hell are you!!!! I dont know you! you dont get to makse decisions about my wedding, YOU JUST GOT HERE!!!

SO my mom and I GOT. INTO. IT.  She is my reoresentative, NOT HIM.  He needs to go somewhere!  She's like, well he's the man and your step dad so he has to represent us.  I told her this dude is not my father so he is not involved. PERIOD. She was livid.

Background: my dad walked out on us when I was 5  and we've never heard from him since.  My mom is always trying to make her new boyfriend my daddy of the decade.  It's not happening this time.  

Ugh, am I overreacting?  Give me it to me straight, I wont get snarky haha.

Ok....yes he will be your step-dad and a part of your life in some respect because he is marrying your mom and if he becomes the "man of the house" (their house, mind you) then that is all good.  And good for your mom!  However, I don't think that you as an adult will probably ever really consider him to be a step-dad, but more as just your mom's husband.  And I see nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't cause too much family drama.

He is not your father.  He is not the one who raised you.  He does not know your life story and the way you have written this, he doesn't sound like he really even knows you or your FI.  Yes, you have met and visited, but that in my mind, does not constitute a fatherly relationship.

So while I respect that you mom wants him to handle household business, I do not believe your wedding falls into that category.  In my mind, I don't think he should be the one intimately involved in planning your wedding because he really just came into your life.  I do hope this works out for you because I would hate to see you fight with your mom over something like this, but I have to agree with you.  I would want my mom as the representative and if your step-dad has a few opinions, that's ok.  But he would not be the one you should have to go to when you want advice or input from your mother.

Good luck!

Maybe since your mom has a hard time understanding, you can speak with her FH and explain things to him in a nice, respectful way?

Something like, "I really appreciate the interest you're taking in my wedding. Thank you so much....but FH and I really do have the wedding planning under control, so you don't really need to worry about it or call him about it. We've got it covered."

Then if he calls your FH, have your FH relay the same message. And maybe try not to discuss the details with him until necessary. Like after the decisions have been made/ deposits have been sent in. Hopefully he will get the point.

As far as your mom wanting to make him new your "daddy of the decade" or him trying to give you his opinion on other things about your life, maybe just ignore it and hope they get the hint? But sometimes people never realize that if you want their advice, you'll ask them for it.

Obviously you know better then we do if they're the type to take hints or if they're the type who need to be hit over the head to get your point. And no, I don't think you're overreacting one bit. I can imagine it must be really frustrating and super awkward!

Thanks guys.  I really needed to ask people with some objectivity cause I was literally losing my mind.  This is too much and my mom and I have a complicated history; when I was 8 she started having a long term relationship and pretty much forced me to call the guy "daddy" b/c he didn't have any daughters of his own (why that is our problem I have no clue).  When I was a teenager and realized that I had no business calling this dude daddy, I stopped and she (and he) got really upset.

I resent any pseudo repeat of this in my life.  Im an adult, these people dont pay my bills, sheesh.  No more Daddy Day Care BS.

@MadiLove918: at this point neither SO or I are taking him seriously b/c, well we think it's ridiculous and you're right, he is not being particularly forceful.  My issue is the precedent it sets and how much involvement he thinks he's gonna have going forward (IMO: ZILCH). Yes, he wants to call my FI to discuss with him changing the date (WTF!!!!!).  He asked me if the date was within a week of grad, I said yes, he said: hmmmmmmmm, that is not good.  I told him we already set a date, he seemed disappointed in this.  Again, WTF!!! 

Of course, my mom thinks this is perfectly normal.  Lord have mercy.

You're not overreacting.  I have a stepfather, and he and my mom have been married for 12 years, and I still don't want him pulling sh*t like that.  Not okay.  Boundaries!

@sudslover: thanks for responding.  Get this: my mom and him are not PAYING A DIME, the costs are being split between me/FI and his parents. I wouldn't take money from pseudo-dad-wannabe anyway, that's weird to me.  Im paying for this crap engagement party that I dont even want to have.  My mom is like "oh you are going to have to pay this much for the party cause I will need this and this".  Thanks mom, can you even give me 5 bucks, you want all your friends there......

I dont think he's being malicious at all, he just really believes that it's his place to be directly involved and it makes my mom happy to have a man stand in for her in her life.  It's a generational thing.  I didn't handle it well, my mom and I flipped out on each other.  It was like all these old feelings came bubbling up and turned me into a banshee.

@mrsmdphd: thank you so much.

@MadiLove918: thanks!!!

Thanks for the comments guys; sometimes I dont know if this engagement is a blessing or a curse.  There is just too much stuff to deal with and too many conflicing personalities to manage, at least at work I get paid to do that stuff.