Post # 1
un-asking moh and bm…advice?
it all started two years ago when I left for university. my 4 best friends and one boyfriend(now ex) all stayed at home to go to community college. needless to say boyfriend at the time went over the deep end and I called the long distance relationship off during the 2nd semester. the 4 friends took his side when I revealed that about a week later I had met someone (fh). we moved in together and I had bot spoken to the friends until our engagement in December
During that time I became very close with my sorority sisters. Mainly my big sis and sibling.Â
So in all the excitement of getting engaged I asked my big sis to be my moh and sibling to be a bm.Â
Since then (about 4 months) neither of them talk to me, never ask me to go anywhere with them. Neither would have made it to my dress appointment (ended up canceling anyway). And neither has helped with any planning. I’m very upset by all this because I just don’t feel like I have any best friends anymore.Â
FH says that I’ve tried too hard to make it work and that he believes that since my Maid/Matron of Honor believes she set us up (half true) has been in a longer relationship than he and I have, and that I was lavaliered with his fraternity letters that she’s jealous because she believes she deserved those before me. And that my bm just goes along with her.Â
(also big sis adopted another sib who HATES fh with a passion and therefore has never spoken to me)
I’m just at a loss. The wedding is december 1st of this year and I think that I will end up cutting moh and bm from the bridal party and maybe just not having anyone stand with me.Â
But how do I tell them how hurt I am and that I no longer want them to feel burdened by being in my bridal party?
Post # 3
I don’tfeelKilkenny I’m being a brides ills here. I have tried numerous times to spend time with them but they always seem to have other things to do.
Post # 4
I think the only thing you can do is approach them, probably separately and say something along the lines of that you know they are busy and you understand if they would like to not have the extra responsibility of being in your wedding party. You have to word it in a way that lets them back out, unfortunately, they may not rise to what you want them to do. If that’s the case, it will be up to you because that will likely ruin the friendship permanently if it ends up in an arguement.
If they do back out when you approach them about it, invite them to the wedding as a guest. If you didn’t, it would turn into an arguement after the wedding and friendships would probably be lost.
I dealt with the same thing with my “Maid of honor” (she declared herself, I never asked her) and I think its the same reasons your FH talked about: my Maid/Matron of Honor had been in her relationship longer than me, has had her wedding dress for two years and her fiance refuses to plan the wedding so she got upset when mine proposed when he was actually ready to marry.
Post # 5
My MoH is in her brothers wedding in June, then i asked her to be in mine for December, she also has another friend who she will more than likely be a bm for. I’ll just find a way to word it so I’m giving her an out or a chance to step up
Post # 6
@MrsJM2B: Sounds good! I hope it works out the way you want it to 🙂
Post # 7
Cutting people out of weddings can RUIN realtionships with them, forever. Think long and hard about this.
So they haven’t reached out to you. Have you reached out to them a lot? Called them? Ask them to go anywhere? Talked to them about how you’re feeling here?
Post # 8
This is not a wedding problem- take the wedding out of it entirely. This is a friendship problem. Talk to your friends independently and tell them that you feel your relationship has changed and that you would like to work out why and work on your friendship.
I find it really absurd that brides automatically think that their friends are jealous just because they aren’t into your wedding. It’s not their job to plan your wedding- its your’s and your FI’s (and wedding planner if you are lucky enough to have one) and whilse it is great if a Bridesmaid or Best Man offers to be involved it is not a requirement. A Bridesmaid or Best Man or MOH should be the person you want standing next to you on your wedding day. Just because a BM isn’t going to your dress appointments, catering appointments etc does not mean they aren’t supportive of your marriage- they just don’t want to do those things!
Have you tried reaching out to them? You say they haven’t talked to you but have you tried to talk to them? If someone was my friend (and close enough fro me to make them MOH/BM) if I hadn’t heard from them in a while I would be trying my hardest to get in contact even if it meant stalking their house. Maybe this person is going through something, something that is more important than your wedding (hard to believe but yes there are things more important). She or her family could be ill, you may have even done something to her without even knowing. Reach out to your friend and stop thinking solely about your wedding.
Post # 9
I have reached out to them since the engagement. And it’s constant responses like “well I’m going out with such and such friend today” or “I haven’t seen my boyfriend all day and so I think I’ll just go see him”
Im not being absurd here and am not asking them to plan anything other than the normal things and to go with me to choose my dress.
Im not assuming shes jealous that was my fi’s opinion.
I am fully aware this could ruin friendships but when I’ve made all the effort I feel like I have no other choices. literally I was with them the afternoon just hours before fi proposed. And they have not wanted to do anything or even speak more that 10 words at a time with me since then.
Post # 10
Well if they are ignoring your attempts at contact why not write them a letter and say you are concerned about your friendship (and do not mention the wedding)? They could dislike your fiance and find it easier to not be around you when you talk about the wedding and your Fiance. or as I said earlier you may have unknowningly done something to offend them. If they don’t respond to the letter then you have your answer- they no longer want to be friends with you.
A Bridesmaid or Best Man isn’t required to do anything for your wedding- if they choose to then thats great and that includes throwing you parties, going to dress fitting etc. The responses they gave to your invites sound like perfectably reasonable responses- they have lives of their own which are more important to them than your wedding!
Post # 11
Precisely what j_jaye said. This is a friendship problem and if you are having friendship issues, then treat them as such. Take the wedding out of the equation.
‘Un-asking’ a bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move and makes YOU look bad, not them. So I would advise avoiding this at all costs.
In the OP you said they were not helping you plan at all, this is not their job. They don’t need to go dress shopping for your dress either (honestly, the fewer people involved with that, the better.)
Post # 12
@j_jaye: @futuremrsfitz18: <– what they said. I think this is not a wedding related issue, it’s definitely a friendship issue. If you want to stay friends or maintain a positive relationship with these ladies, you need to get to the root of that is going wrong in the friendship. Set aside a little time to hang out, no wedding talk at all, and see what happens from there.