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"Unbridesmaid" my friend...

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids

Hostess

7,921 posts

Bumble
Beekeeper

Lillindy September 2008 Bay Area, CA

Pengy posted this link on Twitter: http://blogs1.marthastewart.com/weddings/2009/10/help-i-want-to-unbridesmaid-my-friend.html

What do you think?

2 years ago

14,581 posts

Honey
Beekeeper

ejs4y8 June 20, 2009

I think revoking away the title of Bridesmaid after bestowing it is definitely a no-no unless it's the most extreme of situations.

I should add that I dont' think this is extreme enough to render this behavior

Maybe the bride should try to do MORE stuff with this girl to beocme closer with her over the next few months intead of dumpign her into the "second tier" of friends

2 years ago

Hostess

7,536 posts

Bumble
Beekeeper

bellenga July 31, 2010 Georgia

Maybe it's me, but if I am not already super close friends (like lifelong friends) with somebody I'm not going to want them to simply take up space and be a bridesmaid. Aren't your bm's supposed to be the closest gals in the world to you?

2 years ago

Member

2,401 posts

Buzzing bee

pmerr August 14, 2010 Rochester, NY

I agree with ejs. Just because your putting adifferent label on her doesn't mean you can kick her out of the party.

2 years ago

Bee

6,780 posts

Busy
Beekeeper

spaniel March 2010 Los Angeles, CA

There is one time when you can unbridesmaid your bridesmaid: when you never want to be friends with them again, because that's what's going to happen. :-/ It should never be done lightly.

2 years ago

Member

17 posts

Newbee

carpet Dublin, Ireland

I absolutely agree with Marigold - you will have to be prepared to lose her friendship for good - I don't think things could be the same after the wedding .....

2 years ago

Bee

8,645 posts

Bumble
Beekeeper

cardigan January 7, 2011 Austin, TX

I agree with the others - you really can't ask someone to step down unless you're ready to lose the friendship completely. Sometimes that is the case, and if it is, then fine. But I would never say to expect to be able to "unbridesmaid" someone and still remain close friends.

2 years ago

Hostess

5,841 posts

Bee Keeper

His Barista September 4, 2010 Spokane, WA

It's rude to ask them to step down once you've already asked, no matter how close you are. Especially since the only reason is because you don't feel that close to them any more. Get off your butt and spend more time with her! Geez.

2 years ago

Member

565 posts

Busy bee

Johnsbride09 7/3/2009 Northern Virginia

I know I've mentioned this before, but my aunt "de-bridesmaided" my mom in her wedding (Mom was pregnant with my brother). They still don't get along well. It's been 20 years. Yeah, it destroys relationships, so you need to be ready for that.

2 years ago

10.

Member

101 posts

Blushing bee

Remi 04/10/2010 California

I wish it was okay to unbridesmaid someone. My FSIL and I are not close, but I try my hardest, and didn't think twice about asking her to be a BM.

She's offered to help with crafting projects. Beyond that, she's not even a bit supportive (like I figured a BM would be?). I've always had a difficult relationship with her, and believe me, I try... but she just comes across cold. Two examples: I emailed my BMs, so that we could pick a day to go BM dress shopping (I gave them a choice between two weekends). I also included a picture of me in my dress. I didn't get a response from her. My fiance and I also got some of our e-photos back and she said they're "okay" and "they look just like xx's engagement photos."

My family is ridiculously supportive, so I'm not used to having a family member brush me off... I mean, at least lie and say the pics are nice, or say that you're busy and will go dress shopping on your own? I'm not going to unbridesmaid her, but I sometimes dream about doing it. :)

2 years ago

11.

Member

1,819 posts

Buzzing bee

cinemaparadiso July 16, 2015

I didn't unbridesmaid anyone, but a friend thought she was in my wedding party (like, misconstrued a conversation and truly believed I asked her) and when she found out she wasn't, she flipped her shit and we're not friends now.

I think weddings bring out the crazy regardless and you have to tread lightly... and expect to absolutely lose a friend. I wish my now ex-friend had understood what I was saying and hadn't misunderstood me, but what can you do? (Side note: this friend was also a bit dramatic/competitive so I feel better without her)

2 years ago

12.

Member

3,805 posts

Honey bee

mrspaetz July 4 2009 Singapore / California

i think there should be some perspective on both sides of the issue.

i personally, like some other brides who have posted on here, have had to endure certain unexpected behavior from selected MOH/BMs.

trust me, no one likes to go de-MOH-ing or de-BM-ing their friends.It's a tough decision, a tough process, and unfortunately, usually spells the end of a friendship.

i think in some instances, it could be a mismatch of expectations between the bride and the ladies, and at other times, a wedding just becames a way to reveal all the gaps / inherent problems with the friendship already.

i would say, go easy on brides who end up being forced into making the decision. and for BMs who choose to withdraw from the wedding party, i'm sure they have their valid reasons too.

IMO, it's probably better for all parties if those who are unwilling to be involved to NOT be involved.
No point having a bride stressing over unsupportive friends, nor BMs feeling compelled to be enthusiastic about a bride/wedding they couldn't care less about.

2 years ago