- Mrs Grape
- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
I want to preface this by saying that 99.99999% (you get the picture) of the time, I DO NOT want to have a biological child. I’m not a huge fan of babies and I’ve never seen myself as the motherly type; if anything, DH and I will adopt or foster ten or so years down the road. I’m totally cool with waiting that long, too–I just graduated from college and am focusing on writing and other things at the moment, not to mention our new marriage!
Now, on to the main reason for this post. I decided long ago that having a biological child wouldn’t be the best idea, considering the scary crap that’s lurking in my family’s medical history (as well as my thyroid issues, which would require careful monitoring of my TSH before TTC and throughout the entire pregnancy so as not to eff the baby up). I was also diagnosed with endometriosis a few months ago. None of this really bothers me much. However…
A little over two weeks after the surgery (in which they found endometriosis and removed as much of the tissue as possible), on my birthday, one of my friends called me up and gushed over how she’d just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. She knew about the endo diagnosis and that I was feeling crappy about it, so I’m not sure why she called on that day, of all the possible times, but I was still very happy for her in spite of it all!
She ended up miscarrying a few weeks later and I felt terrible because I knew how much she wanted that baby (and it’s a crappy thing to have happen to you even if you don’t want a kid).
However, after she announced her pregnancy I started having weird feelings about our decision NOT to have kids. I’m kind of considered an oddball in my family and DH’s family for this decision and even though we’ve only been married for six months, we’re already feeling the pressure to have a child. I don’t want kids, but I feel weird when someone gets pregnant, like I’m missing out or something stupid like that. Weird, right? Bear with me. I don’t know if it’s the way people get incredibly excited when someone gets pregnant that makes me feel inadequate, even though I’ve accomplished a lot of great things on my own; I just feel like none of that is as special as having a baby, and it bugs me. A lot of that stems from the attitude around here that if you don’t have a baby, you’re not worth as much as someone who has (which is antiquated, but hey, it’s the Midwest; what did I expect, you know?).
This same friend is pregnant again and while I am happy for her and hoping things work out, I’m feeling weird again. I can’t put my finger on why, either–I don’t have a problem with the fact that I probably can’t/shouldn’t have children (though I am occasionally mildly curious about what DH’s and my kids would look like). It’s not that I’m longing for a baby, either, because I’m not. I am pretty satisfied with my life and feel happy and secure in my own achievements. I’ve accepted that the prevailing attitude around here is that having a baby trumps pretty much everything else. But this damn baby fever…man, it’s got me feeling all kinds of messed up and unsettled right now, not to mention feeling like I’m less of a woman because I can’t/shouldn’t have a kid.
So, am I nuts? Or is this totally normal? Have you felt weird like this before? Is it because other women’s biological clocks are basically kicking mine in the ass and telling it to DO SOMETHING?
Better yet…any advice for not feeling crappy about not wanting a baby?