(Closed) Uncomfortable feelings

posted 7 years ago in Babies
  • poll: Man, am I nuts for feeling weird like this?
    Totally cray-cray : (2 votes)
    6 %
    Not crazy at all : (17 votes)
    52 %
    Nah, you're normal/I'd feel weird, too : (14 votes)
    42 %
    Obligatory "other" : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1325 posts
    Bumble bee

    Mrs.Grape. I hear you. I logged in JUST to respond. You are NOT crazy.

    I also, have never wanted children and have never had maternal instinct of any kind. I’ve never had the patience for kids, they’ve always made me uneasy actually. Sometimes it can be fun to play with them and build things with legos, but that’s about as far as it goes for me.

    That being said, I also have endometriosis. I also have Crohn’s, arthritis and other stuff is undoubtedly going to pop up later in life.

    It all boils down to I can’t have kids. There’s just no way for me physically to have them. I’ve always kind of known this in the back of my mind and I’ve never cared. That was until recently when I accidentally got pregnant and had to terminate the pregnancy. It REALLY hit me how this is something in life I will be missing out on, and not completely by choice. I’m ok with it for the most part. I’ve gotten pretty sad about the confirmation that I will never be able to share in the experience I see other women having everyday.

    I don’t even want kids, but sometimes it is hard for me seeing other mom’s and expecting mothers having all these life experiences that I won’t. There’s a huge list.

    I don’t actively want it, and I just pray to the gods that my biological clock doesn’t activate later in life, but I keenly feel what I am going to be missing out on in life. I would at least like to be able to make the decision not to have kids instead of my body deciding for me.

    If this is not at all what you are talking about I apologize for completely missing the mark. And sorry for rambling. It’s finals week and my brain is toast.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1325 posts
    Bumble bee

    How do I deal? Well, it’s a fairly recent issue to come up so I’m still processing through it. It’s kind of a biggie too, because me getting pregnant made my boyfriend realize he wanted biological children even though he never has before. We talked about it extensively and he ultimately feels that having me as a life partner is more important than biological offspring, but ….I still feel guilty for being inadequate.

    I’m glad your DH is ok with it. This issue can actually be a deal breaker for some people. I can’t imagine how horrible I would feel if kids were so important to my SO that he decided we wouldn’t work out and he needed a woman who could carry his offspring.

    As far as the missing out feelings, I generally sigh and get depressed. Lol However, then I try and combat that by promising myself that I will live an awesome life without kids. I just try and think of the positives of not having kids. I tell myself that not having kids allows me to pursue anything I want in life. The world will always be my oyster. Yes, mothers still can pursue their dreams but I’ve heard it’s much harder and there are sacrifices mothers and father have to make. I can go be a neuroscience major if I want or work on AI later if I want, or be a geneticist and learn Klingon.

    The plan is just to have as a fulfilling life as possible, in a different way.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1325 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Mrs Grape: Aw. I love kitties. I’m hopefully getting a ferret this July. Furbaby’s are perfect for the need to dote on something without having an actual kid. 

    Ok..ok I have to go study. Take care.  🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    1126 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I can’t completely relate, because I do want kids, but there are plenty of things I DON’T want that I still feel weird about when other people get.  I think it’s totally normal to have twinges of “what if” – like, “they look so happy, maybe they’re on to something I’m not, maybe I should have kids after all.”  And then you think about it and realize – no that’s not what I want, I think I’m just jealous about the attention/support/sureness/etc.  So I don’t have any advice about deflecting the kids thing (although I can tell you as someone who gets wimpery every time a cute baby comes by, I still totally understand why some people wouldn’t want them).  But I think you’re totally normal to feel the way you do.

    Post # 9
    Member
    115 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’ve been feeling something similar. For most of my life I’ve been 99.9% sure I didn’t want biological children, but two years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS and told by my doctor that I probably won’t ever be able to concieve without medical help. When I found out that I couldn’t have children I suddenly felt like I was missing out on something and that I was less of a woman than those who wanted children and could have them naturally. It’s totally crazy, but I was grieving for not being able to have children I never wanted in the first place. 

    The feeling has lessened since then but I still get a twinge of it once in a while. It’s been made a little harder recently because the subject of children has been coming up more often now that I’m engaged. I’m still pretty firm in not wanting children, but somehow it was an easier decision to make when I thought I had more of a choice.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think it’s pretty normal.

    I know I don’t want kids, either, for a lot of reasons.  I’ve been pretty sure of this since I was a young kid myself – it’s just not for me.

    But I do occasionally feel like I’m missing some excitement.  I know the kid-raising thing isn’t for me, but there is a lot of excitement around conceiving, getting and sharing the news, choosing a name, planning the details, parents starting a new phase of life… especially when the friends you’re talking to are very excited about all of this.

    I know I’m missing out on that stuff.  I know I’m missing out on seeing what the offspring of myself and my fiance will look like and grow up to me, on the opportunity to help grow and then shape a life.  That’s some big stuff there, but it’s not the road I want to take.  When I feel wistful about that I think about why I don’t want it, and what I will get.  I know there will be children – nieces and nephews, both biological and honorary – in our lives, and I know that having a small, once in awhile relationship with a lot of kids rather than a large, everyday relationship with one or two is so much more suited to me and to my fiance.

    It is weird sometimes that there’s this life stage that most of our engaged, soon to be engaged, and recently married friends are starting or heading towards and we’re opting out. There’s an awful lot of excitement that we’re going to miss, but also an awful lot of things that the two of us would hate and would be poorly suited to.  Making our life decisions based on excitement alone wouldn’t lead to making the best decisions, whether it’s with children, marriage, or anything else.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @Mrs Grape:  Are you me?  Did I write this post?  I know exactly how you feel.  Thank you for sharing!  I too, am in Wisconsin and feel exactly this way.

    I think a lot of it has to do with being here.  DH and I decided to wait to have kids for a few years (if at all), and ideally we would prefer to adopt through foster care.  Then, my AF went missing, and I got misdiagnosed as 8-10 weeks pregnant!  (WTF?!)  It turns out it was just my thyroid, so I started medication.  Sigh.  Thinking I was actually pregnant, really messed me up.  Then I felt like I wanted to be.  !

    So now we are thinking about waiting again and it seems like everyone and their friend here has children.  It makes it hard!  I just last night got in touch with an old friend and she has yet another one.  I am so competitive, all of a sudden I feel inadequate, and like I should get going on my own.  And again, I have to remember:  just because I can do this, doesn’t mean I should.  Sigh.  It is so prevalent here.  I hate it. 

    None of my sisters have kids, nor my college friends.  I think so much of it has to do with being here!  I tried to get some support on here about waiting/ possibly forever, and adopting later, but I didn’t quite find the support I need, so I am happy to read your post and know that someone is feeling me!  😉

    Post # 14
    Member
    47 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I think what you’re feeling is completely absolutely normal. I didn’t want kids AT ALL through my 20s and I had people tell me I was selfish and other hurtful labels. When my friends started having kids and when my step siblings started having them and calling MY Dad Grandpa— it was all hard to take. I seemed to lose a lot of status in my own family. I didn’t have as much in common with my friends who were moms. In our society women are expected to have kids. I had people ask me at a family reunion: Where are your kids — you have none? and that was it. no more interest in anything else about me. Parenting (especially for women) is a major thing in our culture and I wasn’t participating in it.

    There is a great book I know of that you might find useful/insightful or just give you some perspective and support for what you are experiencing. It’s called Nobody’s Mother: Life Without Kids by Lynne Van Luven and Shelagh Rogers. It contains real life stories and viewpoints of the experiences of women from their 20s to their 70s who have chosen not to have children. (It might be Canadian. If you can’t find it in the U.S., check Chapters-Indigo in Canada online.)

    For me, my bio-clock started around age 29. It was a VERY WEIRD experience. I spent a good five years rethinking long and hard my initial decision. It threw me for a freaky years-long loop. Interestingly, my DH went through a similar cycle of not wanting and then wanting them. Now we feel quite reproductively old, but we’re going for it. I have a lot of respect for people who choose not to though. Best of luck.

     

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