Uncomfortable with religion & pre-marital counseling/minister marrying us…

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Barbiestylez:  Ughhhh….  

We are not having a religious ceremony and are writing every piece of it for our officiant.  Tell your FI that you are really scared that you’ll be standing up in front of this man hearing him go off on tangents that don’t apply to your relationship, and you feel like there are definitely better options out there to do the ceremony to represent YOU TWO and not a God you’re not certain your faithful towards. Because there are, and you BOTH deserve to have a ceremony that speaks to Mr and Mrs Barbiestylez thru and thru.

Post # 4
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry, did I miss the part of WHY you’re in pre-marital counseling? Did you already tell this guy he will be officiating your wedding? 🙁 If you’re uncomfortable, you need to stop this right now! You can’t let this take over your wedding, and your FI not standing up and protecting you any time you feel uncomfortable is worrysome.

Post # 7
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Woah! What a terrible surprise!

First off, I’m 99% sure you wouldn’t go to Hell if you got hit by a bus today. (Unless you secretly torture small children in your spare time or something)

So my thought is that even religious pre-marital counseling isn’t 100% about God. It’s about talking about your union, where God fits into your union, and how to help your union survive the real world!

So while it’s great he’s a great person, I definitely think you need a new officient!

Post # 8
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If he’s a minister than obviously he is into all that “christian stuff.” I have no idea what you were expecting, that seems like a very typical and good religous pre-marital counseling and I completely agree with him. That’s what I expect at least. If you don’t want that, don’t get married by a minister. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

Honestly, if he’s a religious officiant he generally shouldn’t be performing a service on people who do not fall under his own faith.  It’s time to just have a heart to heart and say that you don’t share the same beliefs and ask him if he’d be willing to perform a non-religious ceremony because it seems like that’s what you want…but don’t be surprised if he says no.

 

Post # 10
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds like par for the course for most religious officials.

Unless this guy is 100% dead set for you guys and your fiance must have him officiate the wedding, I’d find somebody else.

I don’t think this sort of discussion is acceptable in any form, especially when a wedding is involved.

Post # 13
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

@Barbiestylez:  You’ve gotten yourself into something you do not want and don’t believe.  I would ask him maybe to say a prayer at your ceremony or before dinner but not have him perform it.  You don’t want to be pressured to agree to parts of his counseling that you do not believe in.

Post # 14
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Barbiestylez:  You’re starting a life together. You’re entering into a marriage, something that is beautiful, bound together by love and devotion.

There is no place for you will go to hell unless you follow this checklist…..

 

 

 

… and by the way you’ll be tortured for all eternity.

No thanks. That’s inexcusible to me. If you want to employ scare tactics, do it in church. Pre-martial counceling is not the place to tell the couple that they’re awful people and that if one doesn’t love god like a fat kid loves cake, you’re going to hell.

Post # 15
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

DH is Catholic, I’m not, but he and his family basically insisted on a Catholic wedding, and I said fine since I really had no strong opinions on it. During our first session with the priest, he asked if I had any interest in converting, and I said no, thanks, I’m comfortable with my religious situation at this point and I’m not interested in converting.  That was as pushy as he got about religion in general.  Yes, our ceremony obviously involved god and a couple’s covenant with god and all that, but I never personally felt pressured or bullied into a situation I was uncomfortable with, and the priest stuck very much on-topic with the ceremony.

I get your misunderstanding, but as neither you nor your FI are religious, I think you’re well within reasonableness to say “hey, I just don’t think a religious ceremony is for us” and then get a secular officiant.  If this guy gets upset, he really is a little off.  DH and I just went to a wedding where the officiant went off on a lot of weird religious tangents during the ceremony that had nothing to do with the couple (who are very religious people, so it didn’t totally make no sense, but some of what he talked about had nothing to do with marriage or relationships; he spent a lot of time harping on how the whole world is going to hell).  It was incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly awkward. You do not want this at your wedding. Cut ties, now. If your FI won’t, I think you have to.

Post # 16
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Barbiestylez:  The basis of a Christian marriage and how to get through the hard times, etc. IS by having faith in God. The order goes: God, Spouse, Children. Obviously, that doesn’t fit you and your FI belief system. However, the minister is not entirely out of line in leading the session that way. What he was out of line with, was his aggressive approach. He seems pretty radical. So, I think if you simply told him you more lax beliefs, HE would be the one to kindly bow out… Because, like you, it wouldn’t be “true to himself”. He did his job by spreading his beliefs to you (as many Christians feel the calling to do, especially to non-Christians), and he should now respect your views.

I’m sure this could all be a very amicable and understandable departure if you guys simply talk to him like mature adults. You shouldn’t be intimidated by him, or afraid to offend him. It doesn’t at all sound like he was afraid of offending you guys. 

Your next step would be looking for a basic officiant, not a minister. A basic officiant will hold your ceremony in a way that you can dictate and be comfortable with. Show your FI this thread if you have to. However, if he doesn’t prioritize you and your level of comfort at your wedding over this friend, that alone is an issue.

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