Post # 1
Hi, everyone! I have been posting in here some recently and I’ve been getting such great responses that I thought I’d post a new dilemma I’m having.
A little background: my SO and I have been together about 5.5 years and living together just over 2. He’s still in school and his parents have offered to pay for the engagement ring for him (they’re both doctors and money isn’t really an issue).
Last night he was on the phone with his parents just catching up and talking about unrelated topics (he was downstairs during the conversation and I was upstairs, so I didn’t overhear any of this) and apparently, our upcoming engagement came up. After he talked to his parents he came upstairs and I asked how they were, what they talked about, etc. At one point he brought up us getting engaged soon and said something like, “you will never believe what my mom just told me.” I asked what he was talking about and he acted like he didn’t really want to tell me, but eventually said something like “you’ll never guess how much my mom spent on the ring.” At first I was like, wait, what? I thought YOU were picking out the ring? He said, “yeah, just the diamond.” She apparently “knows people” in their hometown that are jewelers or diamond sellers or whatever, so I knew she was looking at diamonds on her own. I had told my SO what kind of diamond I wanted (as in the shape) and he told her.
Previously, he had told me that his parents had agreed to spend UP TO $5,000 on a ring. I don’t know much about rings, but that seemed like a very generous amount of money.
Last night, he tells me his mom spent $10,000 ON THE DIAMOND. I was SHOCKED. I would NEVER EVER EVER expect or even WANT a ring that costs that much! I know she already bought it, though, and I have no idea if you can just like return a diamond (I’m very clueless on all things ring-related). I think it’s WAYYYYY too much money, though! And they haven’t even bought a band yet (my SO is picking that out).
I don’t know if I would feel comfortable wearing something that cost so much dang money. I know this isn’t something I should be complaining about, and it’s nice to know that his parents really want to help and are supportive, but C’MON! Any thoughts? That is an unreasonable amount of money, right? Especially when my SO isn’t even the one paying!
Post # 3
I think $10k is a lot but I know a number of people who have really expensive engagement rings and love them. Just make sure to get it insured ASAP. What I would feel more uncomfortable with is that your FI’s parents paid for it and picked it out.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t want a ring that my DH didn’t pay for. Sorry, that’s just my opinion.
Post # 5
This is just my personal opinion, but I’d never accept a gift from FI that actually came from his mother.
Especially if it was the engagment ring, because I just (personally) find that very strange. Like, isn’t this supposed to be symbolic of us starting our lives together? Why is your mom buying part of it (and what does that symbolize)?
You can blame my ex for that mentality – every gift “he” gave me was actually purchased by his mother for me… he was a huge momma’s boy.
-end very personal opinion-
But I think you are just going to have to accept that this ring is a gift from multiple people, and because of that you will most likely piss off multiple people if you say no thank you to any part of it.
If it was just coming from your fiance, you could have sat down and had a talk.
But it’s not, so you run the risk of insulting your FIL’s, along with anyone they chose the vent to if your displeasure with the diamond ticks them off.
People wear expensive engagment rings like this all the time… insurance will help protect the ring.
Post # 6
If you’re ok with the fact that his parents are buying you an e-ring, the price doesn’t sound too obscene imo, esp for Boston. Most people I know have rings easily 8-12k, and we’re definitely not households of 2 doctors. So based on their affordability, 10k for a diamond sounds pretty reasonable.
Post # 7
The part I woudln’t be comfortable with is that his parents bought it. Are you ok with that? In that situation I would have said we can either wait and save up, or borrow a small amount from them (<$2,000), buy a modest ring, and pay them back. My parents are both doctors, money is no issue and they help us out in some ways, but I would not be ok with parents buying the ring, especially for $10K.
Post # 8
So I guess I should have explained this better. His parents are paying for the ring, but $5,000 (the original decided on price) is a loan that my SO will have to pay back when he’s finished with law school and has paid off some of his student debt. Because it was originally intended to be a loan, I felt ok with having his parents pay for it. I am also OK with having his mom pick out the diamond – my SO doesn’t know a damn thing about diamonds (neither do I, for that matter) and his mom does. I’ve shown him pictures, etc. so he was able to show and explain to her what I like. His parents also live out of state, so it’s hard for him to get down there, which is another reason that she did this on her own. I would NOT be OK with his mom picking out the band/setting and he knows that. He wants to pick that out and is going home sometime soon to do that on his own.
What I’m not comfortable with is them doubling the budget without even talking to my SO. He agreed that a 5K loan was acceptable and then they just went out and spent double on the diamond alone! His mom told him they don’t expect him to pay back the extra $$$, but that is what makes me uncomfortable. He wants to be financially independent, but because of his career goals, he has had to go through a lot of schooling and wouldn’t be able to afford a ring for awhile on his own.
Another reason for why she did this (in my opinion) is that his father proposed to his mom WITHOUT a ring and she is really kind of snotty/classist (I mean that in the nicest way) and has said multiple times that she wouldn’t let any of her sons propose without a nice ring.
Post # 9
@nber0815: if he can’t afford a ring for awhile on his own, I think you should just wait awhile. Nothing you added really makes me feel any better about the fact they are paying for the ring.
Post # 10
And I certainly wouldn’t want one my in-laws chose.
Post # 11
@nber0815: sweetie, good for you to be a little creeped out by this.But it’s ok.
One thing to consider is that it may be a very nice quality diamond and setting, and that’s money well spent to get quality.
While I am not one who would spend money like that on a ring, I AM at the same stage of life as your FI’s parents and I know that there are certain things at this stage that are worth spending money on. Perhaps, to them, a nice ring is one of them.
Also it’s all relative, and $10,000 in the grand scheme of things, and probably in their circle, isn’t that much for a nice quality engagement ring.
Post # 12
Well I’d just be greatful for it. That’s what insurance is for… I wouldn’t let the price tag discourage you.
I will admit I would feel iffy marrying a guy whose parents bought the engagement ring, though. But since you’re already in that situation, I would just accept the generous gift. It means they must really like you. And as you say, money is no object for them.
Post # 13
@nber0815: I’d be ok with my MIL choosing the ring in this situation, as you explained it, it makes sense. You want X shape of stone. She’s getting X shape of stone. Your FI doesn’t know anything about diamonds so he’s using his mom’s expertise (really, probably it’s her great interest in diamond shopping–who doesn’t like to go diamond shopping!)
If you aren’t picky about the setting she chooses, it will be fine.
Post # 14
@FauxPas2012: That’s one of the main reasons I am OK with her choosing the diamond – I honestly know NOTHING about diamonds and neither does my SO. I also am just one of those girls who really, really doesn’t care about the ring. Yes, I want a pretty ring, but I don’t have like a “dream ring” or anything in mind. I guess that’s another reason I feel uncomfortable with the price tag – I feel like I’m undeserving since “the ring” has never really been important to me.
Post # 15
I’d be uncomfortable too, FH and I are looking in the 1K range. I would have no problem with his mom helping since my FH is also clueless, but I wouldn’t want a 5K gift when it comes to a symbol of the 2 of us
Post # 16
If he can’t afford the ring yet, how will you guys afford the wedding? Will one of your parents be paying for that also? I guess I don’t see the rush in getting engaged and borrowing money from his parents if all the other financial ducks aren’t in a row yet to move on to the wedding and all, unless you were planning to elope.