Undecided about inviting my parents to my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Vivi30:  That is difficult and I hope everything works out. I honestly think that if it gives you anxiety having them there but you would also feel guilt for not inviting them then you should talk to them. Maybe start with you mother first. Maybe discuss it with your therapist to see how to approach it, or even get some guidance from your FI or have him there as moral support. I think by avoiding it all together will only make you stress more.

Post # 3
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Can you have more dinners with them in order to decide? Either the old patterns will emerge, and therefore you know your answer. Or you will start to see that perhaps things have changed and be able to relax more. Bring your FI for back up if needed. 

 

I’m very sorry that you have to go through this. It really sucks. It sucks big time, sucky suck suck. *hugs*

Post # 4
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think in a situation like this it would be totally appropriate to sit them down and tell them how you’ve been feeling – how you wish they could be invited and involved because they are the only parents you have, but that you will not tolerate anything less than pleasant and loving behavior and words from them.  See how they react.

I also agree that you should keep having dinners with them and see what they do.

Post # 5
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee

Vivi30:  First of all, I’m sorry for what you went through with your father, it must have been really tough to break away from that environment.

You’re right in that this is a decision only you can decide. However, you asked for advice so here is mine:

I would feel very uncomfortable not inviting my parents to my wedding, but I am very close to them both. I am also of the train of though that regardless of what relation a person is to you, what matters (and essentially the deciding factor on whether or not to invite them) is the relantionship you have with them. Do they support your choices (not just with your FI but with your life, etc.), do you see them or talk with them on a regular basis, were they a positive influence on you growing up, these sorts of questions. I think this MAY help you work out if you should invite them. 

I also think Everdeen had a good idea. Catch up with them both some more, go out to dinner, invite them over to dinner, etc. See how the relationship between you and your father goes, see how it makes you feel, how they act and treat you. 

It must be a hard choice to make 🙁

Post # 6
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

Good luck with your decision.

IMHO, if you think you will regreat NOT inviting your parents a few years after the wedding, maybe you should? You don’t have to reconcile, but come to some sort of terms for them to be there.

I don’t have the greatest relationshop with my sister, and don’t plan on having my first dance with her (our mom died when we were very young) but I am inviting her because she is family.

In the end, they are still your parents.

Post # 7
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It is you decision, and you have to make the one that makes you happy. Trust you instincts. <br /><br />

However, while I do agree with the fact you should meet up with both of your parents to help you decide I personally think that you need to speak to your dad. It’s clear that even though you’re past it, the hurt feelings is still there. It sounds like what really haunts you is the fact that you aren’t sure that they have changed, REALLY changed. Maybe you could talk to him and explain it. Tell him the truth, that at somepoint you DO actually want him there but that you don’t trust him. Explain that what he has done has hurt you. Why did it hurt and so on. If he regrets it then go ahead and invite him. If he dosen’t then you know that you can’t trust him with this important day. 

Good luck! 

Post # 8
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Im in the same with my father. Although my parents are divorced and remarried.  My moms my best friend she will 100%  be invited but may not come(lives out or country). My father was emotionally abusive to me growing up and i still have anger towards him. I have always said the same as you. I will never let him walk me down the aisle that it would be my brother and he would not be invited.  Over the past year i let him back in slowly because my kids love their grandpa and thats not my business to deny them that. So ive give him hesitated time and it seems to be okay now. There hasnt been an issue since i let him in so i am considering it all now that a wedding us possibly in my near future.

Of course as you know thisis your choice. But before you make that choice i think you should make an effort and be the bigger person and have more dinners and see if the pattern starts back up. Dont make a decision on your past make a decision on your present. At least make an effort to show ur parents u tried before denying them this, especially for your mothers sake.  

Post # 10
Member
4381 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I always err on the side of acceptance and openness with these things. I think you are more likely, looking back, to regret not inviting them that to regret inviting them. So I’d invite them. 

Certainly do NOT have your dad walk you down the aisle or any of that other traditional stuff. Just think of them as any other guests. But yes, I’d invite them. 

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