Post # 1
I seriously think I am just having cold feet right now and I know I am going to get a million negative resposnse but… thought I would throw it out there… any of you bee’s dealing with/did deal with the “what ifs” before the wedding? My Fiance is a great guy and he loves me in a crazy way and I love him too… it’s just that I went from spending 5 years doing whatever my ex said ( we were actaully not in a relationship for more than 2 days this whole 5 years) and I was so unbelievable in love with him..a love so strong it hurt. Needless to say, the ex didn’t treat me very well at all and couldn’t commit so we went our seperate ways… kinda. We share a group of friends, he went to school with my Fiance so they know each other… so he was gone but not forgotten. That being said… I love my Fiance with all of my heart but I don’t think I could ever love anyone like I loved EX. I don’t even know how to describe what that was… anyways, a few months ago… after not talking to EX for a long time.. he told me that he wanted to put a ring on it… already knowing there was already a ring on it… ( he and Fiance do not get along… for obvious reasons) then…. just a few weeks ago…I get a text from EX that says ” I love you” ( I would have KILLED to hear those words in that 5 years span) and I said.. well I love you too, always have always will ( Fiance knows this and is not afraid of it… he knows what kind of relationship EX and I had… and I don’t ever lie to him so I told him all that was said) Anyways… I should add that Fiance is no angel… he has cheated on me ( kissing, pic of other women.. that we know ( much worse than just porn)… lying ( for about 2 years) but has finally cleaned up his act… but there are trust issues… I have never cheated or lied or any of that. However, I cannot stop thinking about my EX… I can stop thinking about what we had and how Fiance and I lack tht kind of passion in our relationship. Everytime I see EX, my heart beats faster… He was my first love and I think he is my soul mate ( that being said, I don’t think that you are automatically supposed to end up with your soul mate) I love Fiance, I want to marry him.. I just don’t know what to do with these feelings…I guess… I will always love EX, always. I will always think “what if”… If Fiance and I ever end up seperated ( this will only happen if Fiance is unfaithful ever again) I would most likely try to make things work with EX. Any insight? ( Other than “don’t marry FI”… he already knows all of this and we can talk about it… he is doing fine, I just can’t handle myself) Thanks!
Post # 3
Been there… done that.
Ya it is wierd… when you LOVE someone so much it hurts…
BUT if they hurt you back… it ain’t LOVE
It is just plain old INFATUATION… or LUST
Mature love isn’t like this…
Infact I’d say, it isn’t really like what you have going now (sorry, but as someone who has been down the tear-filled aisle, and 20 miles of bad road afterwards… I feel I owe you the truth)
People who LOVE you, honestly LOVE you don’t hurt you. They put your needs absolutely first (think back to your past relationship… did you put him first… would you have EVER frickin cheated on him, or messed around in anyway with anyone else). NO, right? That my dear is because you were over the moon in love.
Personally, if all this stuff is going thru your head right now… having doubts etc.
I’d say… COOL YOUR JETS.
I wouldn’t necessarily go back and check out what is going on with your Ex (IMO that boat has sailed… you’ve moved on, matured etc)
BUT I wouldn’t necessarily be in a BIG rush to also marry this October. You need to step back and see what is what. Figure out where your head, your heart and your “other bits” are at… and try to find a way to align all 3… because if you don’t I can promise you that THIS Marriage ain’t gonna work out.
Sorry, if my words sting… but hon, if I could spare you the 20+ years of grief I went thru it would be a good thing… I wouldn’t wish Divorce on even my worst enemy.
(( HUGS ))
Post # 4
Maybe it’s just me, but this sounds like more than just “cold feet.” I think that if you really really want your marriage to work out, you MUST break it off with EX COMPLETELY! Delete his number, defriend him from FB, Delete his email. If necessary, change your phone number so her can’t contact you. This might sound extreme but I’m serious. You will NEVER be happy with your future husband, NEVER, if you continue to have contact with EX. It will be hard at first, but as time goes by you WILL forget.
I went thru a similar ordeal. I thought I was ready to move on and started dating my now Fiance several years ago. But I soon realized I still had very strong feelings for my ex. Like you, I thought that I could never love anyone the way I loved my ex. It wasn’t till I made the difficult choice to cut him off from my life that I finally began to forget. Needless to say, I am now happier than ever before and I don’t even think about my ex… ever. Now I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love my Fiance.
Love is a CHOICE! Remember that.
Post # 5
You’re not with him today for a very good reason. I doubt he’s changed. Brush those thoughts aside and be glad you have someone who loves you as much as you love him.
Post # 6
I agree with This Time Round I also think it IS just plain old INFATUATION or LUST. You just need to LET GO!
Post # 7
So I know this was most likely the worst thing to do but I was talking to my EX last night via text message… ( just about daily stuff and nothing bad) and feel like that feeling of “loving him so much it hurt” kind of just went away….Is is possible that I just miss having him as a friend?
Post # 8
@HelloNurse13: absolutely! Dont worry about this
Post # 9
Totally agree with @This Time Round:
I find that when someone doesn’t love you back, you start to develop stronger and stronger feelings. It’s hormones. It’s the excitement of the “chase.” It’s everything EXCEPT real true wonderful love.
I really think that exploring your feelings with a therapist would help. Even just a session or two. If you work, see if your job offers free counseling through an EAP program.
Good luck. 🙂
Post # 10
The ex needs to get the axe. For real.
I also had one of those — he would never commit to me, but he ruined every other relationship I tried to have. As soon as I was seeing someone, suddenly I had his full attention — calling, texting, asking to come over. I would even cheat on the past boyfriends with him, hoping that if I proved that I put him first no matter what, he’d want to be with me. Yeah, nope. I finally cut him out completely and haven’t spoken to him in years. I don’t even think about him. I have him blocked on every social network, blocked his phone number, cut ties with everyone who knew us mutually … so I haven’t even heard his NAME in years. And now I am happily married to the RIGHT person.
You cannot, repeat CANNOT maintain a friendship with him. It has “FAIL” written all over it.
Post # 11
@Sheepshead: Excuse me, I didn’t see a post where we can just be RUDE to one another. For your information… not all people need to cheat and yes, people CAN be just friends. I am friends with all of my EX’s because we were able to move on and obviously we enjoy each other’s company so we remain friends….yes, FRIENDS.
And yes, My Fiance did cheat on me…. in the very beginning of our relationship, when we were fighting a lot and our feelings were not clear to each other. He kissed another girl. It’s not like he slept with a stripper ( no offense to anyone who might work in that profession) and it has taken years but we have moved past it. I don’t think that anyone has the right to judge if someone is ready to be married. You are not in my house everday seeing what is going on. At least, last time I checked I didn’t see you. I think it is awful that you feel the need to scold someone who is just trying to sort things out and looking for some advice.
I was also not aware that you were around for all of my previous relationships… must have missed you again. So instead of bashing someone who is looking for help, how about you take a step back and check yourself.. then make sure you grow up a little. Okay? Thanks!
Post # 12
I appologize if my last response wasn’t “nice” but… not everyone has secret motives and wants to cheat. Really… I have no desire to run out and be with this guy.
Post # 13
@iarebridezilla: This guy is part of like… every social circle I have. Everyone knows him ( mostly from when we were “together” ) and he has made friends with all of my friends/ people I know… so I don’t think I could escape him? How would I go about doing that?
Post # 14
@HelloNurse13: … but you admit that you still have incredibly strong feelings about him and that it hurt so much when he said he loved you and wanted to put a ring on it! So by maintaining any relationship with him at all, you’re just putting yourself in a really bad position for no reason. I guess if you want to do that, go ahead … but we’re all telling you it’s a bad idea because we know how that story goes.
ETA — sorry, didn’t see your next post right away!
Post # 15
@HelloNurse13: It can be hard, don’t get me wrong. It was VERY hard. You have to go in stages. It will probably involve making new friends. Imagine you were recovering from a drug problem, and most of your friends were the people you used to do drugs with. You know full well that it isn’t healthy for you to hang around with them, because they aren’t a positive influence. It can be a long hard road to get away from them, but at least for me, the guy in question was every bit as addictive as a drug! So yeah, my social circle looks very different now. It’s just one of those things I had to do in order to successfully move forward with my life.
What’s funny is that now, I don’t miss him, or them, or any of that part of my life, at all!
Post # 16
@iarebridezilla: Oh no… I think my words might have gotten jumbled a bit… I said I would have killed to hear those words 5 years ago..which is 100% true. When he wanted to marry me… I laughed and immediately told Fiance about it… and we both said, well too little too late and that was that. When he said he loved me I told him that I love him and I always have and always will, which is also true…he was my first love and I will always love him in that first love kind of way. Also, I said that I was so in love with him it hurt….I was, not am. I think I am realizing that honestly it’s not that love part that I am getting hung up on. I love him, he loves me but we love each other in different ways… but for 5+ years he was my best friend…if you take out all of the stupid feelings part… he really was my best friend, and I miss that.