Post # 1
Imagine a man who, after years of dating, takes his gal somewhere nice, confesses his love, and asks her, “Will you marry me? I want to spend my life with you.” And then she responds, “I love you too! But I’m not ready to give you an answer right now. Don’t worry, it will happen soon!” Then the weeks and months go by, and he asks again, “Do you have an answer yet? I’d love to marry you.” She responds, “Stop pressuring me for an answer! It will happen.” Soon their relationship is very tense, and he is angry because she won’t give an answer either way. He brings it up constantly, and her response is always the same, “I’ll give you an answer when I’m ready!!”
In American culture, a lot people would side with the guy in that scenario. “She should say yes or no! She should stop keeping him in limbo! It’s torture putting yourself out there so vulnerable, and then be forced to wait!” But if you’ve brought up wanting to get married directly with your partner, you have, in a way, “proposed”. Even if you consider a proposal to involved a fancy dinner and a ring, all it really consists of is telling someone you want to marry them, and then waiting to see if they’ll tell you they want to marry you too. (Of course when we tell people the story, it will be the “guys asks” version with the ring, because that’s the romantic version hehe )
I was talking to a friend of mine last night who has been dating her BF for over 3 years, and she is really upset that she is always so angry and resentful to her BF about waiting for a proposal. She also couldn’t really figure out WHY she was so angry/hurt, because her BF was still loving and a great partner, but whenever she brought up wanting to get engaged/married, he would always say, “One day, don’t worry, it will happen!” So I told her the above point as someone had told me when I was in the same “waiting” boat, and I figured I would share it here, because I think it helps understanding that you have total justification for being upset that you are still waiting. Because you’re not really waiting for a proposal, you’re waiting for an answer!
Post # 2
AppleRat: Excellent insight. I agree.
Post # 3
Great analogy and SO true!! Couldn’t agree more with your assessment.
Post # 4
This is the best explanation I’ve ever heard! I 100% agree with you. If the tables were turned everyone would demonize the woman and feel horrible for the guy. But for some reason it’s perfectly acceptable to refer to waiting women as impatient and pressuring.
This is exactly how I felt when I was waiting and I pressed DH for an answer. After months of waffling when he said “I just don’t know yet” I told him to move out. Why would I want to be with someone who didnt’ feel the same way about me that I felt about him? I wasn’t bluffing at all!
Post # 5
Well, we pretty much were in that exact situation and I certainly hope my husband wasn’t angry and resentful. He didn’t full out propose, but he did bring up wanting to propose and I told him I wasn’t ready and needed to think about things. He didn’t pressure me or ask a lot of questions, which helped. I would occasionally bring it up if there was some aspect of marriage/ kids I wanted to discuss. It took me about 9 months to figure out and then I told him I was ready and he proposed two weeks later. I really, truly told him as soon as I was ready and I have no idea how I could have sped it up any more. I knew he was ready and I wanted to figuref things out, it just took me a while.
Post # 6
Thank you soooooo much for posting this! I always felt that there’s a lot of sexist attitudes/double standards towards ‘waiting’. A woman shouldn’t keep a man hanging for months or years waiting for an answer. But a woman should also be content and patient waiting for a proposal that may or may not ever come.
Post # 7
This is so true. I hate what our society does to women. And how it makes women seem crazy and pressuring when in reality, we just know what we want. Love this post! Thanks for sharing.
Post # 8
It is true that a ‘proposal’ is the conversation you have when you talk about marrying each other – it’s not the fancy pants dinner or quiet evening in PJs where a ring is pulled out! Like most of us waiting bees, we’ve already talked about it, cried about it, gone ring shopping, sent links and pictures of what we would like and now we’re just waiting for him or her to ask ‘officially’.
Love this, thank you x
Post # 9
AppleRat: I like that. There was also a Bee who made a really good analogy about waiting for the other person to be married and waiting to get a dream job.
It went something like this: imagine that you’re interviewing for your dream job and at the end of the interview the potential boss says you’re the perfect fit for the job but that they’ll get back to you when they’re ready to hire you, which will happen soon. You don’t hear from them for a few weeks so you call them to get a response and they say, “Yes, we’ve made the final decision and you’re perfect for this job–we’ll call you as soon as we’re ready to hire you!” Then they don’t get back to you for a few weeks or months and when you call again they repeat, “You’re the one we want for this job and it will happen–we’ll get back to you when we’re ready to hire you!” …etc…
I think it’s a really good analogy because people would obviously say that the boss is in the wrong and that there needs to be an appropriate turn around time for a candidate to be hired after the company has interviewed and decided to hire them and that it’s not fair to keep a person waiting like that.
Post # 10
That is really a great analogy. And it really does help me understand why I am feeling kinda resentful lately regarding the whole “waiting” thing. Especially since he has been bringing it up more lately. It’s like saying “I’ll give you an answer eventually, and I’ll probably say yes, but I still need to decide and continue to torture you until then” My point is, this post is really insightful to me, so thank you.
Post # 11
Thank you for posting this!!
Post # 12
It’s funny how women in America just helplessly sit there and wait for a proposal…And how men, after having tested these women first, finally “reward” them for their “faithfulness” by taking them in marriage — like they were buying a cow or a sheep they first needed to test well. Such a “deal” is called “proposal”…
The control-mentality of a lone ranger defending his property with a gun, I believe. And one of the to-be-property “items” is the potential wife… precious or not depending on whether she is “his” or not :-))
I am originally from Russia, and the tradition there is that the man has to propose fairly early in a relationship, when he really doesn’t know what he gets as a response — this is actually the whole point of proposing… If he doesn’t do it on time, a self-respecting woman simply won’t date him any longer. Once he proposes — early! — she either agrees or dismisses immediately, or else she makes him wait. And if he really loves her, he is the one to wait for her! This is true feminism of dignity.
Post # 15
SecCod: I’m curious, how early is early?