Understanding your resentment and anger waiting for a proposal…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
9244 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

AppleRat:  Excellent insight.  I agree. 

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Great analogy and SO true!! Couldn’t agree more with your assessment.

Post # 4
Member
6691 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

This is the best explanation I’ve ever heard! I 100% agree with you. If the tables were turned everyone would demonize the woman and feel horrible for the guy. But for some reason it’s perfectly acceptable to refer to waiting women as impatient and pressuring.

This is exactly how I felt when I was waiting and I pressed DH for an answer. After months of waffling when he said “I just don’t know yet” I told him to move out. Why would I want to be with someone who didnt’ feel the same way about me that I felt about him? I wasn’t bluffing at all!

Post # 5
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, we pretty much were in that exact situation and I certainly hope my husband wasn’t angry and resentful. He didn’t full out propose, but he did bring up wanting to propose and I told him I wasn’t ready and needed to think about things. He didn’t pressure me or ask a lot of questions, which helped. I would occasionally bring it up if there was some aspect of marriage/ kids I wanted to discuss. It took me about 9 months to figure out and then I told him I was ready and he proposed two weeks later. I really, truly told him as soon as I was ready and I have no idea how I could have sped it up any more. I knew he was ready and I wanted to figuref things out, it just took me a while.

Post # 6
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

Thank you soooooo much for posting this! I always felt that there’s a lot of sexist attitudes/double standards towards ‘waiting’. A woman shouldn’t keep a man hanging for months or years waiting for an answer. But a woman should also be content and patient waiting for a proposal that may or may not ever come.

Post # 7
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

This is so true. I hate what our society does to women. And how it makes women seem crazy and pressuring when in reality,  we just know what we want. Love this post! Thanks for sharing. 

Post # 8
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Great post! 

It is true that a ‘proposal’ is the conversation you have when you talk about marrying each other – it’s not the fancy pants dinner or quiet evening in PJs where a ring is pulled out! Like most of us waiting bees, we’ve already talked about it, cried about it, gone ring shopping, sent links and pictures of what we would like and now we’re just waiting for him or her to ask ‘officially’.

 

Love this, thank you x

Post # 9
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

AppleRat:  I like that. There was also a Bee who made a really good analogy about waiting for the other person to be married and waiting to get a dream job.

It went something like this: imagine that you’re interviewing for your dream job and at the end of the interview the potential boss says you’re the perfect fit for the job but that they’ll get back to you when they’re ready to hire you, which will happen soon. You don’t hear from them for a few weeks so you call them to get a response and they say, “Yes, we’ve made the final decision and you’re perfect for this job–we’ll call you as soon as we’re ready to hire you!” Then they don’t get back to you for a few weeks or months and when you call again they repeat, “You’re the one we want for this job and it will happen–we’ll get back to you when we’re ready to hire you!” …etc…

I think it’s a really good analogy because people would obviously say that the boss is in the wrong and that there needs to be an appropriate turn around time for a candidate to be hired after the company has interviewed and decided to hire them and that it’s not fair to keep a person waiting like that.

Post # 10
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

That is really a great analogy. And it really does help me understand why I am feeling kinda resentful lately regarding the whole “waiting” thing. Especially since he has been bringing it up more lately. It’s like saying “I’ll give you an answer eventually, and I’ll probably say yes, but I still need to decide and continue to torture you until then” My point is, this post is really insightful to me, so thank you.

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Thank you for posting this!!

Post # 12
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

It’s funny how women in America just helplessly sit there and wait for a proposal…And how men, after having tested these women first, finally “reward” them for their “faithfulness” by taking them in marriage — like they were buying a cow or a sheep they first needed to test well. Such a “deal” is called “proposal”…

The control-mentality of a lone ranger defending his property with a gun, I believe. And one of the to-be-property “items” is the potential wife… precious or not depending on whether she is “his” or not :-))

I am originally from Russia, and the tradition there is that the man has to propose fairly early in a relationship, when he really doesn’t know what he gets as a response — this is actually the whole point of proposing… If he doesn’t do it on time, a self-respecting woman simply won’t date him any longer. Once he proposes — early! — she either agrees or dismisses immediately, or else she makes him wait. And if he really loves her, he is the one to wait for her! This is true feminism of dignity.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  SecCod.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by  SecCod.
Post # 13
Member
44 posts
Newbee

I love this. 

Post # 14
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Great insight!

Post # 15
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

SecCod:  I’m curious, how early is early?

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