(Closed) Unequal Parenting HELP!

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You just work opposite schedules and if you’re up that early, then it makes sense that is your “job”. Maybe you can have your husband start dinner at 8am or something so you can have more time in the evenings. What does he do on his off days?

You shouldn’t have to be his mom about it, but you should talk to him about dividing tasks more evenly and him helping you out.

Post # 5
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Why are you rushing to take the baby to day care by 7:30?  Since you have to be up much earlier it seems to me it would make a lot more sense for your husband to spend some time with the baby in the morning, and then bring her to day care before he goes to work.  I absolutely believe day care can be great and obviously necessary for families with two working parents.  But it seems to me it would be in the best interest of the child for her to be with her parents for as much of the day as possible. 

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I just think you need to talk to him…let him know you need more “me time”. We all do. I’ve been warning DH for months that I will not take on all the duties and go bonkers batshit crazy or I won’t be very fun to live with =]. He needs to know he needs to do more. A lot of dads are like that, kinda old fashioned in that aspect that moms take care of the kids, but you can retrain him 😛

Post # 7
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

How old is your daughter? In my experience, men tend to become a lot more hands-on with the baby when they’re a little bit older (closer to age one or so). A lot of the care for newborns and infants can be overwhelming to them, and honestly, I know that I probably put out the vibe that he should just let me do it since I did it “right.” If he tried to help, I’d often get annoyed because he’d ask questions and need help and it just felt like a waste of my time so I’d take over. Maybe you can get him to help you more by asking for SPECIFIC things he can do, not just saying, “Can’t you do more?” Say stuff like, It would really help me a lot if you would get up and pack the diaper bag for me or start my car and pack our stuff in it while I get us ready. The more specific you are with men, the better. 

If she’s fairly young, give him some time to get comfortable. It takes a little longer for men than women, but eventually he’ll get the hang of things and be able to dress her and get her ready for the day without your help. You just have to remind him that you NEED the help.

Post # 11
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I agree about being specific- my husband is generally really good about helping out, but sometimes he forgets what needs to be done. He’ll often ask me to write out a to-do list for him. Sometimes I’ll just write up the things I want him to do, but if I’m trying to get him to understand how much I do, and how much time it takes up, I’ll send him a to-do list that includes the things I want him to do, and the things that I am doing so he can see that in certain areas he’s still getting off easy 🙂

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you tried talking to him about it instead of silently fuming over it? Your SO can’t read your mind. Definitely talk to him, point out the inequalities, and let him know how it is making you feel about him and your relationship. Letting something like this fester isn’t good for you, him, or your child. He should be meeting you halfway – he could at least set aside certain days where he gets up early and takes over the morning parenting duties.

Post # 13
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@FutureMrs.Taylor: “And if he takes her, he’ll make her go back to sleep until he’s ready to get up. That messes up her sleep schedule for the rest of the day and she won’t wind down until late at night…meaning I have to deal with her while he’s at work.”

He needs to know that doing this is unacceptable and that it has serious repurcussions. Again, communication is key.

Post # 14
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I think that if you want something specifically than you need to make it clear that is what you expect. Don’t nag him – tell him. Say I expect that you will assit in helping me with our daughter. With his hours being different than yours it would make sense that unless you have clearly said you want him to be awake and helping by such and such a time, he would choose not to.

Possibly pick certain days during the week that you would like him to be the one to take care of her or maybe declare that the weekend is his time to wake up with her. Just like when the two of you were dating, you need to make your needs and wants clear and not hope he can read your mind.

Do you ever think that you take on all of these responsibilities because you want to be the super mom? So instead of enforcing these things that you say bother you, you choose to be the one who does everything so you can complain that he didn’t help later? I’ve seen these behaviors in so many moms and I’m not saying that is the absolute reason you do that but I know many a mom who does.

Post # 15
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Also… in addition to just giving him specifics on what you would like him to do.  Ask him WHY he behaves the way that he does?  Why does he think it’s OK to mess with her sleep schedule so he can sleep in late?  Why does he think it’s your responsibility to feed and change her and not his?  I think if you make him give you actual answers to these questions.. it will help him see that he’s being extremely selfish.  If he wasn’t ready to be an involved parent then he shouldn’t have agreed to have a child in the first place.  But it’s too late for that so he needs to man up and start putting his child first.

Post # 16
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

From your post, he sounds pretty selfish and irresponsible. Putting yourself before your newborn/toddler, or honestly, child in general, is the worst thing a parent can do. He signed up for this, so it’s about time he manned up and starts accepting the responsibility that comes along with creating a child. He’s missing out on quality bonding time in the mornings. I think it’s completely reasonable to ask him to go to sleep when you do, wake up at the same time in the mornings, and spend time with his child as well as helping out a bit around the house. Things like putting steaks in to marinade, or starting a crock-pot dinner would be a huge help, and take maybe 10-15 minutes in the morning. He’s past the age (life-changes wise, not chronologically) where sleeping in is acceptable. He’s not growing, he’s not working night shifts, he’s just being lazy. I think you should talk to him about things and let him know that this imbalance will not only damage your marriage, but damage his relationship with his daughter as well.

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