Post # 1
Here is the background- my boyfriend and I have been dating for 4.5 years. We both have careers and I recently moved in with him (he owns a house- we don’t own it together). Marriage is something we have talked about lots before, and even made loose agreements that after living with each other for 6 months or so, we would get engaged.
So now it’s summer- I started working part time in a jewellery store that also sells engagement rings. I have never really thought about the kind of ring I wanted, until we did ‘diamond training’ in the store. Now I am in love with a certain ring and can’t stop thinking about it.
My boyfriend and I went on a trip and one night after a few drinka and dinner, I decided to show him the ring I love. Before this we were happy and laughing. When I showed him the ring he got super cold- almost angry. Then went on about how much pressure he is under now that I work at a jewellery store and look at rings all day. He is worried that whatever ring he gets will not be the right one… What the hell?!?! Where did this come from? I feel so defeated now and I am confused that he would think I’m that shallow. So basically now I have decided not to talk about weddings and rings at all. I just feel kind of bummed that he reacted like that. Sigh. What do you think I should do?
Post # 2
I think ignoring his reaction/not communicating about it is the worst thing you could do! Make ring choosing a joint venture – me and FI casually walked into jewelry stores for literally 2 years before we were sure about the ring we loved, then he bought it and here we are. Make sure that he wants what you want – if getting married is important to you in the near future, he needs to understand and be okay with that! Otherwise, you need to evaluate where your relationship is/where it can go!
Post # 3
Catherineisabelle: Guys get touchy about weird stuff. He sounds like he’s worried he can’t impress you now since you clearly know more about jewlery than him…. But on the other hand, now he knows what type you like, so why is he worried?
Don’t just drop the subject; not talking about things that bother you never ever solved anything… But do give him time to simmer down and then just tell him that you’re positive you will love whatever he picks out, but that you just wanted to be apart of the e ring discussion because you should be involved in the process anyway.
Post # 4
Catherineisabelle: I’m not surprised that he feels intimidated about the idea of buying your ring. You work in the industry and see loads of rings and know what make a good/bad ring and he has to try and find one that is perfect without all that training. I’d be scared too. You need to talk to him about it and see if you can work out a way that he can feel more comfortable whether that’s choosing the ring together or you giving him some instructions about what makes a good or bad ring and how to choose etc or something else. Ignoring it is the worst idea as it won’t make either of you happier with the situation
Post # 5
Catherineisabelle: I think a lot of women underestimate the amount of pressure men feel about buying a ring. Was the ring you showed him really expensive? Does he have a high paying job? My guy doesn’t make much money, right now he’s putting himself through college as an adult (he’s 30), so nearly all of his money goes to tuition. When he asked about rings, he wanted to know what I liked. I know him enough to know that he has no idea how much most people spend on rings. I also know he always wants to make me happy, and he feels badly that he doesn’t have as much money as he would like to (even though he will once he graduates a year and a half from now). I sent him pictures of six different rings that I liked (I like art deco vintage rings, which is actually my favorite style, and of course it’s good because estate/used rings are much less expensive). The most expensive ring I sent him was $1,000, the least expensive was $200. I did not include the price in the email I sent him, knowing full-well that he would track it down immediately. This was my way of showing him that what I want is completely within his reach. I then mentioned several times that I think it’s absurd to spend a lot on a ring, and I have stressed that a perfectly lovely ring can be found for under $500. Then I focused all discussion on just the style and look that I like. I don’t think it’s fair that guys have this expectation that they must buy something that’s thousands of dollars (plus then buy a wedding band and pay for a wedding AND a honeymoon-crazy)! It’s one thing if you’re dating a wallstreet guy who makes 300k a year, but I’m not and judging by your story you’re not either. Do you think his reaction was money related? Maybe he feels what you want is far too expensive for him to afford, sounds like he’s afraid of disappointing you and now there’s this “dream ring” that he has to live up to.
Post # 6
Is it possible he’s already picked something else out? Something that isn’t like what you showed him?
Post # 7
Catherineisabelle: Bummer! Maybe he’s one of those guys who think that the man should pick out the ring with no input from his intended. Which I think is silly, but some people like that idea.
I think, after letting things settle a bit, I would bring it up again. Mention your perception of his reaction, “I felt like you didn’t like where I was going with that…” And see what he has to say. Often, people have a different idea of how things will play out and it can be a surprise when your ideas don’t match up.
Based on the rest of your post, it’s probably a ring specific snag as opposed to a marriage snag though. So that’s not so bad.
Is the ring you love particularly expensive? If it’s above what he imagined spending, maybe you can offer to make up the difference. Plus, I’m thinking… Staff discount???? That would be handy.
I would have offered had my ring been above his budget. It wasn’t, but his engagement watch WAS above my budget. I insisted that he get it, and we took the extra $$$ from our joint account which could afford to help with the purchase.
I know there’s many schools of thought on this topic, but I really think you ought to love a piece of jewellery you’re going to wear for the next 60 years. Maybe you just caught him off guard.
Post # 8
I’m with the above poster. Maybe he has already picked out a ring for you. Guys and girls get stressed out about this stuff!
My FI had a weird reaction to me once because I mentioned that even though I loved halos, maybe I should consider something else since they are so popular. I didn’t know at the time, but it was because she had already picked out the setting for my ring and was looking for the center diamond. I felt awful for being so wishy-washy!!
Hopefully it’s something along these lines and not that he is just avoiding marriage talk. 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria
I completely 100% agree with cpick! Proposing and picking out a ring is scary enough for a guy, it IS intimidating for him that you work at a jewelry store. I think that’s a completely normal reaction.
Talking about it more, and going to look at more rings together seems like a good plan.
Post # 10
I agree that it’s scary to pick out a ring and I also agree that since you’re showing him exactly what you like that that should diminish that fear somewhat. Maybe he’s worried about the money like another poster said, but since you described his reaction as super cold, almost angry, i would talk to him about it. Was his reaction about just the ring? was it about him feeling wedding pressure. I get how working in a jewlery store could add pressure, but it’s your job! Seeing all those rings and seeing happy couples and nervous men coming in and deciding on their futures would be both exciting and depressing if you yourself are waiting for a ring too. have you had the marriage talk recently? how long into the 6 month timeline are you after living together. at the very least i’d ask him to help you understand his reaction a bit better.
Post # 11
I would say tell him that you didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable or pressured, that you just wanted to share it with him because you have talked about marriage in the past and the thought of spending your lives together makes you happy and excited.
Post # 12
I don’t think he became cold because of the specific ring; I think he became cold because he wasn’t ready to look at any ring.
Post # 13
I’m going to go againt the grain here, and say he’s being unreasonable, and kind of immature.
For me, communication is key in a relationship, as is understanding and respect. I told my OH what ring I wanted, and he had zero issues, and simply went out and bought it. When about a year down the line I realised we’d rushed into it without research and broached the issue with him, it again was not an issue: we simply discussed what we both wanted from the new ring (me: the exact same design, and platinum; him, the exact same design and that the original remain intact (ie not recycle any part of it), and the budget, and that was that.
Had he started getting cold and annoyed because I dared to tell him what I wanted first time round, or cold and annoyed because second time round I’d done my researcg, I’d have been less than impressed, and viewed him as petulant and immature.
I don’t see why these days engagements cannot be a joint thing. What on earth is the issue with discussing ring preferences? And what kind of man gets upset because his fiance happens to know more than him about diamonds/whatever because she’s in the trade? i don’t know, if just rubs me up the wrong way.
So in your position, I would likely have an open and honest conversation with him and ask him exactly what his issue was: does he feel like I’m piling the pressure on to get engaged (which warrants a whole other discussion); or does he feel somehow inferior (in which case I would reassure him but also chide him and tell him I felt he was being ridiculous)? Either way, I would probably tell him to grow a pair…
Post # 15
I don’t care if guys get intimidated and insecure, they need to grow up! -especially after 4.5 years together!! he should be looking into engagement rings and the 4 C’s about diamonds. If he can’t handle the pressure then he deserves to be alone because it sounds like he’s wasting your time.