- 3 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
Some of you would have read my previous thread about my FI finding out he has a child that he never knew about. I got amazing support from here while going through denial, anger, freaking out and waiting for the DNA results back. They obviously came back positive.
I have chosen to request for that thread to be deleted, as I realised I may have written some information which I would feel uncomfortable about if the thread fell into the wrong hands, due to being emotional. I will be far more careful in this thread. As a fairly young bee I would still love to draw from the wisdom and experience of the girls on this forum.
Long story short, my FI slept with a girl (not in a relationship) heard from her later that she needed an abortion, he sent her money and that was that. She got back in contact with him recently and told him that they have a child together (child is far older than our relationship, obviously). We did DNA testing and the results came back that FI is the biological father.
FI and I went through a lot in the past couple of months, we fought a bit which was mainly my fault as I was struggling to deal with it, he is obviously dealing with lots of emotions and pain and it has been hard. Through that whole time we still had excellent communication and have come out the other side closer than ever. He is an incredible man, we haven’t really ever had relationship problems and have been together for 3 years. He has manned up to his responsibility and has taken all of this incredibly well. I have spent many hours reflecting and soul searching, trying to figure out if this is something I can handle, if he is worth the drama and 100 other questions. I have decided that although this isn’t what we had planned, it is not something unbearable. He doesn’t have a history with this woman and so I don’t feel threatened that she will be in his life, in fact I hope we can become civil aquaintances. I get along with children and always wanted my own, so have no problems sharing my time and house with the child. My FI asked me to marry him and I said yes- how could I leave him at a time where he needs me most and he hasn’t done anything wrong by me?
So we are continuing our engagement and will be dealing with what is to come together as a family.
What I would like to ask for advice on is how step-mums (especially childless step-mums) on the bee came about being introduced to the child/ren and forming a strong relationship without coming across as “trying to replace mum”
I want this child to always feel happy and secure in our home. To know that he will be disciplined by both adults in the house according to the house rules, but that he is welcome and wanted by both of us too. Is this a good approach to take?
I want to know from your experience what did you find easier? To have 0 contact with the mum, or to tentatively try to forge a relationship based on the wellbeing of the children? Do you ever do drop-offs/pickups or is all that stuff exclusively the job of your SO?
What role did your step-children take in your wedding?
On the flip side- if you are a parent with a step-mum in your childs life, how do you wish they behaved? What do you wish they didn’t do? What makes you like/dislike them?
What is a piece of advice you wish you had at the start?
Any other snippets of advice would be appreciated! I have accepted our position and I am ready to embrace it… but I am still terrified of the fact that I don’t know anything about what this is going to entail for my life. Hearing stories from you beautiful bees both positive and negative will help me figure out exactly what role I should play for the future and hopefully avoid any mistakes which may sour relationships. I know I will have years of learning, but there’s nothing wrong with a head start!
I would also love advice from anyone who brought an absent father back in their children’s life. Obviously my FI is a bit different as he didn’t know to be there… but I imagine a childs reaction would be similar or the same. How did your child handle it? How did you handle it? What was the best way to introduce the father back into their lives?
We did go to a counsellor to discuss this… it cost a fortune and she was pretty useless. She just didn’t know what should happen in our situation and wanted to talk to the child herself which we feel would be worth avoiding if neccessary. We believe taking him to see a counsellor would potentially make him see this as a bigger deal than it has to be, and would only be a step we took if we felt he wasn’t coping or was very angry or anything else potentially damaging. (and with mums permission of course)
I feel our position is quite lucky as far as a blended family goes. Since FI and BM weren’t dating or married, I hope there isn’t any bitterness which usually accompanies shared custody. FI will be learning all this stuff at the same time as me. As much as we both wish it wasn’t so for the child… FI doesn’t have a back story with him. This will be a new experience for us to share together and just one of those little curve balls that life throws at you. How can a child ever be a negative?