Unfair financial help

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Was the FBIL and FSIL’s wedding their daughter? Some people believe in the tradition that the parents should pay for the daughter’s wedding but not the son’s. 

Also, I would not ask anyone to pay for a honeymoon since it’s a trip for just you and your FH. If they’re traditional and you’re looking for help why not ask them to help you out on the rehersal dinner?

Post # 4
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Lizzy723:  Traditionally if the grooms parents pay for anything, it is the rehearsal dinner.  I would not suggest asking them to pay for the honeymoon because that is separate from the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Lizzy723:  As my Dad used to say “No one promised you that life would be fair.”

There is no obligation on either set of parents to pay for a wedding and certainly not for a honeymoon. Many young couples pay for their own wedding these days.

If your parents are paying for the wedding, they are following tradition.

Traditionally the groom’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner.

Post # 7
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lizzy723:  Wait a moment-What does this mean?

I had to ask her if they were doing the rehearsal dinner and got a “yeah I guess” kinda answer.

Does this mean you asked FMIL if they were PAYING for the rehearsal dinner?  If I’m confused I’m sorry…

Post # 8
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Lizzy723:  I have heard traditionally that it was the grooms role (the groom though, not the grooms family?) to organise the wedding cars and honeymoon (maybe some other things too that I am not aware of) but these days not many people really stick to this. I would definitely not expect my ILs to contribute anything to a honeymoon and I wouldn’t ask either. If people want to help they will generally be forthcoming about it. If they haven’t offered any money I would assume it is because they do not want to offer. 

Maybe they helped the FSIL and FBIL out more as she was pregnant and they figured they needed more assistance due to the cost of having a baby? I understand it does seem onesided and unfair and I would be hurt for example if my FILs went all out for FI’s sibling’s wedding and showed no interest in ours. That would not be about the money though, more about whether I thought that this meant they didn’t like me, support our relationship etc.

Post # 10
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Lizzy723:  not all families are fair with how they contribute monetarily across siblings. My DH always says we make our own way and expect nothing from anyone. And I have to say life is a lot more drama free since I started thinking that way. If people want to contribute, then great, but expect nothing bc no one is under any obligation to pay for anything- not that it wouldn’t be nice if they did, but don’t put yourself in a position where you feel crappy about them not giving money. 

Post # 11
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@Lizzy723:  Honestly, nobody has to help you with anything. Your parents are being very generous. His parents may not feel inclined for a variety of reasons. You really shouldn’t expect anyone to help, especially with the honeymoon…no matter how much it costs.

For perspective, our total costs for wedding, honeymoon and rings was about $17,000. My parents gave us $6,000 and DH’s mom gave us $500. We were very gracious in accepting both gifts and covered the rest. 

I would suggest being fortunate for what you have and not pushing the issue any further.

Post # 12
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lizzy723:  FH and I plan to pay for everything ourselves.  It is possible that my father MAY pay for things…but we are financially independent and we are not wanting to ask/take help because we want our wedding done our way.

FH’s older brother and his wife (FBIL and FSIL) did not have a shot gun wedding but they did have lots of help from FH’s family.

I am not expecting help from anyone my parents or his parents.

FWIW-I have dealt with my own personal issues about FSIL and everything that she has been ‘gifted’ from FH’s family…but there are a lot of things I found out after the fact (she basically had the wedding of her dreams and not one that she could afford, immediate family was charged per plate, FFIL had to repair stairs out at this venue and exchange physical labor for the venue AND they apparently couldn’t afford thank you cards because they never came!).  Sometimes you just don’t know the story.

PS…why didn’t FSIL’s parents pay for their shotgun wedding?  Seems as though you have help, and clearly FSIL didn’t…

Try to not focus on what you don’t have and instead focus on what you do have, or else (take it from someone who knows) you will drive yourself crazy!

Post # 14
Member
7090 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think the ILs pay for the honeymoon much these days, usually that is up to the couple. I would just be thrilled you’re getting a wedding for free and have the honeymoon you can afford.

Post # 15
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think it is appropriate to ask anyone for money. If they offer, that’s fantastic! But I think it isn’t appropriate to ask people to pay for something or to give money for the wedding. The honeymoon shouldn’t be paid for by anyone but you — It’s your trip to celebrate your marriage. The in laws are not obligated to give you a cent. But it is generous if they do.

Post # 16
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hmmm I’m pretty sure I read in an old book (DH’s grandmother’s) that it is the groom’s family’s responsiblity to pay for the honeymoon, as well as the rehearsal dinner. I don’t think many people adhere to that anymore though. We’re lucky to have a traditional family, without them we couldn’t have afforded much of a honeymoon at all!

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