Post # 1
Hello! I recently stumbled upon this forum while asking google if I am nuts for wanting my SO to propose so soon.
Story: I am in my later twenties, he is younger. We have been together less than a year but I knew pretty early he was the one, if there is a one. I am notoriously independent and didn’t really think I’d want marriage til at least my thirties. In fact I am fine with never marrying and just having children on my own.
In any case, he is so wonderful I can’t help but want to start our life together. We both come from two parent households. We both are super educated. We both have similar life goals. He tells me I’m the one and he can’t wait to ‘insert things that sound amazing here’.
The issue is that I don’t see a point in waiting to start the future. I also don’t see much of a point in weddings but thats another post. I told him when we started dating I’ only date for a year before moving it along. Then I decided at around 6 months, I couldn’t possibly wait any longer. Then fast forward some months, he finally says ok I’ll get a ring and now I feel bad.
So I told him we wouldn’t talk about it for 6 more months and until then it is off the table. I am a gemini so this is actually normal for me.
I’d like some input on this situation. Don’t hold back, I’m tough.
Note: Everytime I have a monthly freakout about this topic he brings me flowers and cooks me dinner like HE has done something wrong, which he hasn’t. I’m really at a loss for how to handle this since he is prefect, but I’m a complex person used to things going her way.
Post # 3
@subtlebee: Not talking about it for 6 months – great start.
I would suggest that you have a chat about your future life goals, plans for kid, finances, religion, and all that fun stuff.
Yes, it’s possible to know in less than a year that you’re compatible, but you are still in the honeymoon phase.
I’m a Gemini too so I can relate to the being fickle thing lol. And the wanting to get married fast thing.
See after 6 months if you’re still feeling that desire. If so, get a ring. If not, then you can take some more time.
Post # 5
I’m confused…. you told him you wouldn’t talk about it for 6 months and then you are having monthly freakouts? Or the monthly freakouts were happening before you told him you would give him time.
I also agree that once you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you want it to start right then (thank you Billy Crystal). However, initially you told him a hear and then you changed the game.
So I agree not talking about it for 6 months is the way to go.
Post # 6
@3xaCharm yes, the freak outs were before (last one this week) and after he said he’d go get a ring and I felt bad I said the 6 month moratorium thing.
Problem is I doubt I’ll actually last 6 months. Alcohol or hormones or stress or some funky cocktail of the three will probably make me boil over. I am one of those people who always says how I feel, at time to my detriment. So yes I agree 6 months would be the best, I am not sure that is realistic.
@throughthebarricades Ithink the honeymoon phase eneded around month four just because we live so far apart that the choice to see each other is never trivial. Especially because we are both ridiculously busy. The fickle gemini thing is spot on though. I think it must drive him crazy.
Post # 7
You can always say exactly what you want to us anytime!
Maybe trying to wait might not be a bad thing. I waited for years for a proposal and it was a really long time. But looking back I feel like I am in a much better place now than I was 4 years ago (emotionally and financially). Even if you feel you are in the perfect place in both of those items, maybe he isn’t. Especially if he is much younger than you. The time between 22 and 26 is a huge maturity difference.
Post # 8
@orangefairy: he is only a year younger ( I just think it’s more fun to pretend I’m a cougar). I’m 27 he’s 26 so we are both in the statistical age where marriage is likely to work (as likely as it ever is in the US of course).
But thank you! I really wrestled with whether to sign up but decided more input never hurts! I already feel better about posting, yall taking the time to respond (even if I don;t want to hear it) means quite a lot =0)
Post # 9
Welcome to WeddingBee!
Maybe you should join this thread http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/the-shut-it-up-pact-1022-1028
It’s important to be able to have open marriage discussions with your SO, but you also have to be careful not to put too much pressure on him. Constantly freaking out about when it will happen is often counterproductive. Focus on the fact that you have a good man who you love and wants to marry you.
Post # 10
@VAwife: Why is it pressure and not just me being honest? I could see if he hadn’t brought up wanting to marry me and then me complaining. I just don’t know if it’s fair to say you want to but on the other hand not now. Did you husband ever man waffle?
I know my dad didn’t and his dad didn’t so I have no idea where he gets it from. Probably hip hop music. Ruining an entire generation that stuff.
But also shut-it-up pact, I might join that just so I can stop talking to him about it (though it will be easier if he’d stop inviting me to weddings and engagement parties).
Post # 11
@subtlebee: It’s you being honest if you talk about it once or twice. It’s pressure if you freak out about it on a regular basis. He wants to be with you, but it sounds like he’s not quite ready. You don’t want to push him into getting married to make you happy, right?
As of right now, he knows what you want. He has a reason he hasn’t done it yet. You should try to respect that reason and give it some time.
Post # 12
@AlwaysSunny: So you make a good point. He might want to marry me but he isn’t ready. Just like I want to wait for him to be ready, but I am not happy about it.
If I have to respect his wishes, he’ll have to respect my sadness over it. Youre completely right. We’ll both have to just respect each others feelings. Though I’d rather he be on the same page as me of course =0p
Post # 13
@subtlebee: I think you’ll get there but it just takes some time. I don’t think 6 months more is unreasonable. You’re just in the beginning of your relationship, enjoy it!
Post # 14
I think I’ll wait till the end of feb (if I can run here and vent) and then I’ll start planning my life as an individual again. That is not to say I’ll break up with him, but I won’t try to include him in my plans if he can’t commit. Then if he never comes around or takes forever like a lot of guys on here seem to, I won’t have sacrificed everything on faith alone.
Post # 15
I am not certain who has the “unfair” aspect of waiting here but from your OP I feel like it’s your SO. You told him a year, then changed it. I dunno, that’s the only unfair thing I’m seeing. Unless I’m missing something.
I think you should give him the six months that you agreed to. If you keep changing the timeline around on him then he’s going to start not trusting what you are saying. You told him six months but then you say till the end of February which is only four months. Stick to your word.
Also you should be focusing on building your life around you right now. I know that my SO and I are going to buy a house after we are married but that doesn’t preclude me from getting my life in order now so that if I had to buy a house on my own I could.
Post # 16
@Bunny82: yes, the unfair in the title was for him.
As for changing timelines, nothing I can do about that. I would like to wait but if I can’t I can’t. It’s part of my personality that at 27, won’t change and he can either take or leave. It doesn’t affect our trust level because he knows I am not being dishonest when I say these things, I just sometimes overestimate my ability to be patient. For instance I am a graduate student. It usually takes 4-5 years to finish classes, but I am so impatient I’ll be done in 2.5 years. It meant working harder but I don’t like wasting time.
Also, I haven;t built my life around him but I do include him in my future decisions. Like if I buy a house, I want him to like it because he might live there, etc. If we aren’t going anywhere however then I will not be needing that input. I do not enter into relationships (even bf/gf) lightly and I will never wait more than a year give or take a few months for someone to make up their mind. I do realize this may be a bit unfair, but it is who I am (and who he/whoever would be marrying).
I hope that clarifies my position for you. I think you might have misinterpreted my level of reliance from my previous statements. SORRY!